Goodbye Trouble, I'm sorry
Goodbye Trouble, I'm sorry
I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I mean it. I know I say things I don't mean, but I can see that I hurt you and I regret it. You were so sweet to me, nothing but kind and open-hearted and real. I am used to being treated like a creep, so you were incredibly special to me. You saw the good in me, and most people don't see that. I get by using my looks and my "charm" ... but honestly, I know that I'm not charming, I'm manipulative. I cannot get someone to fall in love with me by being me. I am good at faking it and being whatever people want me to be.
I'm sorry I told you that you were the love of my life. I'm sorry I told you I would wait for you to leave your husband. I'm sorry I put all these thoughts in your head and made you feel how I wanted you to feel. I'm sorry I am a shallow, hollow person. I have no real substance. I am a horrible father to my kids, it's not personal. I am just not good at relationships.
I'm sorry I led you to believe that I was sexually interested in you when I just wanted to control you. I am bored by sex. It is all a chore to me now, I've been having meaningless sex for so long. I don't know a good thing when I see it. I just wanted to see if I could get you into bed. It was a big challenge for me. I'm sorry it meant more to you.
I should never have pursued you. I should have just been friends with you because you are an interesting person. I am just a shitty person. I make people fall in love with me quickly before they know what hits them because the truth of who I am is so awful. I blind people with my looks, flattery, constant attention. I make promises I don't keep. I don't even remember what I say.
You did mean something to me. I did love you, in my weird way. I just can't do anything about it. I am broken.
I hid that I was an alcoholic from you until I told you I was sober. I hid that I've been a raging alcoholic for 20 years. I told you all that information when you were already invested. It felt safe. But I'm just white-knuckling it and not doing any programs, so I am still a shitty person sober. I am still a narc. I don't know how to love people.
I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that I am bipolar. I like to tell people my ex-wife is bipolar, but actually, I'm the one with the diagnosis. I make postings on craigslist looking for female friends who understand bipolar. I am o.k. with telling a total stranger on craigslist that I'm bipolar, but I did not tell you, the love of my life. I wanted to trick you into loving me first, then it would be too late once you learned the truth. I am sneaky.
I'm sorry I lied to you. I lied a lot about a lot of things. I have a hard time telling the truth. It is just so easy to lie. Once I get going I can't stop. I lie about all kinds of things, even things that are not important. It is fun for me. Sometimes I lied by omitting things. I did this a lot. I am good at selectively telling people things in drips and drops. I know you were frustrated by this. I'm sorry I'm such a liar.
Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for trying to make me a better person. It just isn't possible. I liked seeing who I was in your eyes. You saw something in me. I need constant reassurance and praise because I hate myself. You saw the real me that weekend we spent together. I was too tired and broken to hide it from you. I was boring and lazy and uninteresting after I had promised fun and fireworks. I just can't deliver on the stuff I promise. I suck.
I'm sorry that you had one week away from your family for the first time in 12 years. I'm sorry that you never get alone time and you chose to spend some of it with me. I'm sorry that weekend meant so much to you. I was just killing time in the endless boredom that is my life. I enjoyed the time we spent together and how much effort you put into showing me around and taking care of me. I'm sorry that I told you repeatedly what a great time I had with you, went over the top with the flattery, then brutally dumped you the next time we talked on the phone and then disappeared from your life. I am immature and I don't know how to wrap things up nicely and make people feel o.k. I just run away when there are feelings. It scares me. I kind of like making people suffer. I got a kick out of hurting you by disappearing after I chased you for over a year. I think stuff like that is fun. It makes me feel powerful. I like to be in control.
I'm sorry I took advantage of your situation, seeing that you were unhappy in your marriage since your husband got sick. I'm sorry I tried to take you away from your husband. I'm sorry I tried to break up your family. I don't want to raise your kids. I don't want to raise my own kids. I am extremely selfish.
I love to be by myself. I hate to be myself. I think I'm great. I think I'm the worst person that ever lived. It sucks to be me. I have no core, no soul, no center. I just cling to whoever comes into my life and suck them dry and damage them. I'm sorry I did this to you. You are a great person and you don't deserve it.
The last thing that I will tell you is this: I am a horrible person. I fake being nice. I fake being interested. I fake everything to get what I want. You should run away from me as far as you can. I'm no good. My life will not improve. One day I'll think of you and wish I had been decent to you. One day when I'm alone, I'll remember how good you were to me and how I pushed you away. I am a jerk. I am so very sorry I hurt you. You didn't deserve my head games and mind tricks. You are better than that.