My long story

My story starts a year and a half ago. There are so many details but I'm going to try to make it as condensed as possible. It's exhausting just retelling it all to be honest. But I met my N when I was 30 and he was about to be 25 at our favorite bar. We instantly clicked through our batter of opposing football teams. I met him with my best girlfriend and the 3 of us quickly became inseparable. We used to joke that he showed up and never left and it was kind of true. When he met us, it's like none of his other friends existed. He used to tell us how he had 'pockets' of friends. He was in the Air Force but was due out in a few months so he also told us how he was just an 'expiration friend' and we shouldn't get attached. We always laughed it off bc the way we were together, I didn't think that he would be able to cut us out as easily as he thought. I also overlooked such an odd thing for him to say bc of his military background - he was deployed 2X a few years back and while he wasn't exposed to any super dangerous situations, that's still a year of his life at war and that has to effect someone. He also would tell me how his ex wife (he was married twice and had a new born son that he hadn't seen when I met him at the ripe ole age of 25) didn't understand that he could have sex and not get attached - how it was just sex to him and there was no emotions attached to it (another red flag I missed or thought off as his military exposure). So the 3 of us went on and had a great time. It was a whirlwind to say the least but it was a ton of fun. My best friend and I are very go with the flow. Unfortunately people have mistaken our laid back attitude for being push overs and I believe that is what made us and specifically me such a good target for a narcissist. When we first started hanging out, I knew that he liked me but I was involved casually with a buddy of his. However his buddy turned out to be a jerk so that ended abruptly and N and I started hooking up. It was a friends with benefits situation essentially bc he was supposed to be moving home soon once discharged from the military. At the time we met him, he was in the process of potentially being Court Marshalled for getting caught 2 separate times using pot (his ex wife turned him in). One of the main topics of conversations when we first met him was how his ex wife was so terrible, how she just wanted to hurt him bc he didn't want to be with her and how she was dragging his name through the mud and being a 'professional victim'. That was his big thing - that she was a professional victim. I felt bad for him - she seemed like a real piece of work. Of course, a year and some later, while I wouldn't have done all the things she did to him, I can kinda see where she was coming from. So the Court Marshall ended up happening - I sat through 4 days of the trial, just me and his dad, who had flown in from Texas. To take a couple steps back, him and I, while we had hooked up a little bit, it became apparent that he was not ready to date anyone and we decided to stop the physical relationship completely and be just friends. And we honestly were able to. He went on to hook up with some other chick (I don't want to say date bc what he does, as he explained it to me, is sleep with a girl a few times and then he looses interest bc the conquest is over). I again, just overlooked this as him being young and immature. So him and I became very close platonic friends by the time he went on trial. He was even living in my house bc he spent so much time there, it just made sense. Plus, I was living alone in a big house due to my break up a few months prior so I welcomed the company. So he ended up being found guilty and was sentenced to 4 months in jail. I didn't expect him to end up with jail time and was really upset. Him and I had been inseparable for the last 3 months and now I felt like a piece of me was missing. He was sent to a military jail that was 8 hours away so we couldn't even visit him. For the next 4 months, he only called me and his parents when able. Him and I wrote to each other every week - all friendly, nothing more than that. I just thought to myself that if it was me, I'd want someone to do what I was doing for him, for me. And when it came time for him to be released, me and my best friend went to pick him up 8 hours away. We were just excited to have our friend back. That first night he got out, we rented a hotel room. Him and I shared a bed, which we have done plenty of times before with no thought. Well, he ended up kissing me - which I stopped and just chalked up to his first night out of jail and his first time to be around a woman, any woman. So that's all I thought of it. We got back to my house the next day, bc he lived there too now. He was moving back to Texas, where he is from, in a month so we all had a month to hang out. While he was away, me and my best friend decided we were done with Florida and wanted a change - we had been thinking about Texas before we met N so it just kinda worked out. Where we were moving was about 2 hours away so we were excited about the prospect of having a friend at least in the state. So after that initial night in the hotel, nothing happened for a couple of days. Until after a few drinks, we got to talking and he told me how he 'liked me more than he should' and thought a lot about me while he was away. One thing led to another and we ended up in bed together. Bc by now, I knew how he was about relationships (he didn't want one, he was terrified of commitment, bla bla bla) we tried to maintain this friends with benefits situation. I even knew he had been texting with a girl who he'd reconnected with via fb before he went away to jail. He was interested in her but I wasn't really threatened bc she seemed really high maintenance from what I gathered and plus our connection was so strong and easy and automatic, I just was confident. His dad even commented how he'd never seen 2 people so comfortable with each other like he had with us. He had asked me to drive with him when he moved back so he could show me around and I could meet the rest of his family so I did. It was great. Except that he decided last minute that we would go meet up with this chick he'd been texting with when he got there which I thought was crappy. He was going to be living there now, why did I have to be there (it was a BBQ so not one on one) but why did I need to be there when they met up for the first time. So we had a big blow out but I eventually gave in bc I cared for him. So I ended up meeting this chick and she was as I expected. He ended up being with me the whole weekend and thing eventually fizzled with her.

Once he moved back to Texas, that was supposed to be the end of our friends with benefits situation and we were just supposed to be friends. I had to wait to move until my house sold, which ended up taking a lot longer than expected. In the meantime, my best friend ended up getting a job out there a few weeks after he moved so I went out there with her to help her move and he met us. And of course, things picked up right as they left off with us - for the months of November and December, try as we might, everytime we were together, it was the same story. Us trying to just be friends but it always being more. Towards Christmas time, I was getting sick of it - I was trying not to care but I was hard, by then we'd been hooking up and more than friends for a couple of months. So I told him that once I moved to Texas, I was going to start dating, that I was ready to date someone (and I still knew how he was). We all had plans to spend NYE together and shortly before then, he completely changed his views. All the sudden, he 'needed me in his life', he wanted to give us a shot. I was apprehensive but he was acting how I guess I always deep down wanted him to but never thought he would. It was hand holding, calling me baby, the works. So even thought I was still in FL, we were trying. The idea was that we would see how things went with us but still keep our situation open bc it was long distance and I wanted to ease him into it. I would say to him to 'get it out of his system now'. But I never really thought he was doing anything else bc of how we were - it was the works, the sweet messages, videos, pictures, calls, everything. He told me he couldn't wait for me to get to Texas to 'lock him down'. So while our relationship wasn't exclusive, given all that, I didn't think he was doing anything else. I thought this is it, I'm in love with my best friend and this is what I've been holding out for. So stupid. So when he came down to visit me the end of Feb, we were both looking forward to it. He ended up drinking too much (shocker) and passed out the first night. I was mad that he did and I had been drinking too and was a sneak and looked at his phone. He had made some questionable comment to this girl on fb a couple weeks earlier that I just happened to see and I had asked him about it and he assured me that it was nothing - he hasn't even talked to that girl in 7yrs and shes a friend of his cousins. So I left it alone. Well wouldn't you know, I look at his messages and shes the first one I see. And I see ALL of her. She knew he was visiting me and she had been sending him texts all night and the last one was a nude full frontal to which he said she looked delicious. Needless to say, it was disgusting and I was devastated. We had a big blow out and I was very upset. He was ashamed (probably by he was caught). We talked a lot and I asked him if he even wanted to make this work bc if not, we can just end this now. He assured me he did. Unfortunately, I am a very understanding person and in my head, I justified it that we were in this long distance crappy situation, it wouldn't have happened if I was there and I did tell him to 'get it out of his system now' (even though, given how he was towards me, I really didn't think he was). So we decided to be officially bf/gf at that point since clearly it would bother me (and allegedly him) if we were with other people. So he left a couple days later. The very next day he left, he called me and was freaking out. He basically was reverting back to the commitment terrified person he was and he was so cold. Even though he had just hurt me so badly, he was treating me cold as ice. Telling me he didn't like the feeling of 'fulfilling some role' (ie being a boyfriend). When I was getting upset about it, he coldly told me 'now I know how the other girls have felt' (meaning his ex wives). It was terrible. I had already had plans to visit him in Texas in 10 days so I told him if he wanted to take a step back that we needed to not talk for the next 10 days until I saw him so that I could adjust to all this. So we agreed no communication. Well he lasted a day and called me to tell me he couldn't do this and I was right, he was just all in his head. So we went back to the way things were, except still not bf/gf bc, if I'm being honest, he had already dropped my expectations at that point so that I was satisfied with our open long distance situation. But after all that, it was never the same. Instead of putting in more effort to 'make it up to me' he became more distant but still giving me enough to keep me there. When I was him in Texas, it was just like it always way - when we are together, it's great, our chemistry is so strong (strangers would frequently ask if we were together during our friend phase bc it was that obvious even when it wasn't to us). Then about a month later, while I was still in FL, I noticed that same girl (who he never defriended on fb - another red flag), was suddenly friends with his dad and a couple of other people even though she didn't live in the area - she lived 5 hours away. So when I saw that, I knew that he had seen her that last weekend bc how the hell else would she be friends with his dad, etc? So I called him and asked him and he confirmed that he had seen her that last weekend, that she was in town visiting friends but that nothing happened. Of course, I had several questions and I did ask them as calmly as could be expected. Somehow, even though he was the one in the wrong here, he flipped it on me and was pissed that I was disrupting his work day like this. So I told him to call me later and he said no, he didn't have anything to say (again being super cold). So I basically begged him to call me later, which he did and proceeded to tell me that he did care for me and felt like he need to 'take advantage of these situations as they come" bc it's going to be super serious when I get to Texas. I asked him if he cared for her and he said ' you know me, she's new' and that he's always focused on what's in front of him at the moment. I felt like nothing - where was the guy who told me he loved me more than either of his ex wives (people he MARRIED)? During one of our arguments, he told me that if I stopped talking to him, he's just be texting with someone else all day instead, like I was that easy to replace. He also had told me that he was planning to not talk to me or my best friend (who was also close to him) once he moved to Texas. Which was horrible considering we were the 2 that stood by him through jail, picked him up from jail and we even raised money for him so he'd have a little something for when he was out. But his rebuttal when I was annoyed at that statement was, "it didn't happen, that was just my intention". Oh, OK, I feel better now right?

After I knew he hung out with that girl (but nothing happened - altho he changed his story a week or so later and admitted they kissed so he straight up lied to him initially), we went back and forth between just being friends to falling back to old habits (I'm ashamed to admit). He also tried out for that show Big Brother and made it to the finals but didn't make it. Thank god, I would've hated watching him on that show. There are so many more details but once I got out here, I still lived 2 hrs away from him. However, with his Big Brother stuff, he was at my place pretty much the first month that was I was here bc I live close to the airport and he also didn't have a job bc he quit it. Although when he was moving me out here, he told me a few times that he 'didn't have any plans to visit me' which is a rude thing to say since I didn't even ask. When I brought that up later, he told me it was bc 'technically, he didn't have any plans to visit' (he still stands by that reasoning today). Once he didn't make Big Brother he went back to his home (which was a bedroom in his parents trailer) to start a sales job that he lucked out and stumbled into. He should be pretty good at it bc he's a solid BSer. I decided to cut contact with him earlier this summer bc I was sick of settling for less than I deserve. Everytime we see each other, it's like we are dating but then he goes back home and does god knows what. The breaking point came when I called him after not hearing from him for a little while and he said to me that "im not the first girl to get frustrated with his lack of need of communication". I think it was that statement that just really hit me - why am I wasting so much time and energy and care on someone that doesn't 'need' to communicate with me? After everything, it's still like he could take it or leave it. He used to tell me how he could never talk to people again and be fine with it, like he prided himself in it. When I asked him about me, he said he'd probably be upset for a few months but he'd get over it, he'd have to. Which is true but still, it's just a weird way to think. Throughout the whole time I knew him, he was always paranoid that people from the military were following him or where at a bar we were at or were following us to the movies. I just thought it was a quirky trait but now I think it's the narcissist in him - a way to keep attention on himself, even it was it was in his head. He's also never one to ask 'how are you'. I remember feeling annoyed bc we were apart on Valentines day this year and even though this was at the 'high' of our relationship, we spoke and I asked him what he was doing that night and he never, not even to this day asked what I was doing. It's like he was only ever concerned about what was going on right in front of him and if it didn't directly effect him, he didn't care. He would also always tell me how certain girls liked him or were hitting on him but it never seemed like that to me. He once told me, after all the stuff with the other girl happened, that he 'wished I didn't like him so much'. Really??? I've never heard such a cocky statement. I liked him so much bc of how he was to me initially or who I thought he would be. I don't even know.

So after that conversation with him, I stopped all the effort. He called me a couple times and sent a few texts and called my best friend, asking if she'd heard from me and that I was probably 'butt hurt' bc he didn't keep in touch well. Meanwhile, we'd been more or less dating and having this intense chemistry situation for 8 months. So I sent him a long email that weekend detailing why I needed some time. That we couldn't keep on with this situation of when we are together, we are together but than he leaves and doesn't whatever/whoever he wants and that if we were to be in each others lives in the future, I needed this time to be able to get over things and be friends again. Bc I truly did want him in my life as a friend. When I let someone in, I have a really hard time letting them go, even when it's obvious they are not treating me right. Well throughout the summer, he would call from time to time, or text and the last time, he left me and my best friend a message saying he just missed his friends. Bc her and I were his 'go to girls' for the last year and now we were just gone and it sucks for him. Nevermind that we wouldn't be gone had he treated us right. He's told me time and time again that he likes going out by himself bc he doesn't have to worry about other people and you 'never know what type of situation might come up' but if you are with people, you have to worry about them. For me, I enjoy going out WITH my friends but he doesn't and just has a revolving door of acquaintances. I've come to realize that most people don't like him or stick around once they get to know him.

That leads me to today - and thank you for reading such a long story - it's exhausting and mentally draining to tell but I really would like some support from people who have been here. After that last message about 'just missing his friends' I felt bad (seems he was pulling the victim card) and decided that I was done being mad and would be OK with being friends with him. I did miss his friendship and while I didn't want to be involved with him romantically anymore, I wanted to get back to us being friends again bc for me, when you care about someone, it seems like a waste to let it go. Well after 2.5 months of me not speaking with him and him trying to reach out, I thought when I opened the doors of communication again, he'd be happy bc he 'needed his friends'. But no, we've spoken a couple of times and just enough for him to tell me he's 'kinda dating someone'. From my female stalking ways, i know exactly who she is - a girl who is 23 and who's a reporter for the new station in his town. He lives in a very small town so I am sure he gets off on telling people that his gf is this reporter who's always on TV. I've had the hardest time with this bc he has really nothing to offer - he is in debt, he is extremely broke, goes to the bar every night (even though he is broke), doesn't pay his bills (his car will get repoed once they find him), has a ruined military career (dishonorable discharged) is a college drop out after a semester and he never keeps a job long. And this girl, I can't say anything bad, she has her degree and a great job for her age, comes from a normal family and background, and is into helping the less fortunate - really empathic it seems. And i know that makes her ideal for him - she is younger and naïve, she has a big heart and I'm sure just listens to him and all his problems, the same as i did. And for him, she is perfect bc of those facts and also, that she is on TV and it strokes his ego by association. My bday and the 3 year anniversary of my mom's death was a couple weeks ago - i heard nothing from him on either day which really was the very last straw. I don't want someone in my life that doesn't care enough to even wish me a happy bday. I spent essentially my entire 31st year of life with him and he cant even send a text? So that was it. As hurt as I am, I know I deserve better. So I blocked number and on fb. But I'm still really sad and I hate that I miss him bc if he can just drop me the second someone 'better' comes along, than what we had was never special. I just wish I could erase the memories. Everyday is a battle and it's just frustrating to know that he's moved on with his life (I saw he put someone on fb before i blocked him about "when you find the right woman, she takes away the pain and rage"). That broke my heart bc for so long, he acted like i was special, i was the right woman and i know i did everything i could but it wasn't enough. I have been focusing on me to get myself to a better place but it's still hard. I hate that I miss him (or who i thought he was).