Florence7's story

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#1 Aug 28 - 4PM
florence7
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Florence7's story

I had been on my own for sometime and had a 10 year old son when I met my husband ( I will call him N). We met on a dating site and within 3 weeks he was virtually living at mine, due to being threatened by his alcoholic flatmate. He had a joint business with his ex- girlfriend and was still very involved with her as a friend/ in the business. She was devastated he had met me and I found out quite early on (from his open Facebook) that he slept with her 2 weeks after meeting me. I dismissed that as unimportant and it was a wonderful, intense, romantic few months, although N was prone to sudden ‘flare ups’ (once telling my son his hair looked 'ridiculous', once exploding at me in a shop, and storming off, blowing up about minor things etc).
Two months in, I told him his being at mine so much was too much for me and he disappeared suddenly for 4 days... to his ex's, although he said nothing happened. I was very upset because he just stood me up. He contacted me again, we met, he admitted he had gone to his ex’s house because he felt he had nowhere to live and it was survival (I found out later that he told his ex that he had split up with me). We made up, he made things ‘clear’ to his ex and came back and things were great.... He moved into a new place. He earned less than me and had some money problems, and I lent him some money for his deposit, a new bed etc, but he did pay me back. His ex caused quite a few problems (calling at night/ when we were out at dinner), and he would talk to her privately, saying he had to keep her happy because of the business, but it was generally wonderful.

Five months into our relationship, N went to his ex's and was physically intimate with her. I found out by reading his Facebook correspondence with her a few months later. When confronted, he eventually told me that over the past few months, while I had thought there was only business contact, he had stayed at her house (on the sofa) a few times. He told me he only had oral sex with her that once- he was very disrespectful about her, saying that he was thinking " I'm going to c*** on your face and then you can just f*ck off" , while it was happening. I remember thinking how horrible that was, but to be honest, at the time I hated her so I didn't care. He told me that she initiated it. I forgave him, after a lot of crying, because he told me he wanted to marry me and have children with me, that he had just been confused, and worried about the business, that she was nothing to him. He paid her her share of the business off (with a loan from his employed work -which he never repaid, incidentally) and never spoke to her again. Although he was quite nice about her at the beginning, by now he completely made her out to be abusive and psychotic. She showed up at my house once (I was out) with bills that he apparently hadn’t paid, but that really was the end of their contact.

We carried on, still ‘in love’ but still with sudden flare ups and regular arguments (N ruined Valentine's day after a lovely meal out because he called me a ‘lazy b***h’ for not doing my washing up in my own house / he became convinced I had asked my son’s school to set aside tickets for my son's father to go to his school play (I hadn't) and went mental at me over it, shouting at me I was flirting with my ex etc. and texting crazy things all night while I went to my son’s play alone). We did have some discussions over his' flare-ups' and how they had to stop.

We planned a trip away to Budapest and Italy and N proposed (it was 11 months after we’d met). We had some big drunken arguments even when away but we were totally passionate about each other. While we were in Italy, he ruined an evening with friends because I had forgotten to put my engagement ring on after a shower- I had ‘hurt him beyond belief’. He wouldn’t let it go no matter how much I apologised and it was very embarrassing at the time- he was in a foul temper all evening. We had a wonderful trip though, and after he proposed we had a great few months where I remember feeling safe and absolutely sure I was connected to this man forever. I didn’t care about the blow ups- I remember describing us as ‘fire and fire’, but ‘connected souls’. He seemed totally committed to me and in totally love with me. He showered me with love. When I was at work he would send me texts saying: "I love love love you!", I felt so lucky- I had never had this outpouring from a man before.
When back, N moved into mine and we focused on finding wedding venues- we got married 6 months later so we could start trying for a baby. It was a good time but some ridiculous things happened- such as him threatening to break off the wedding (1 month before) if I didn’t go with his choice of photographer, and him managing to ‘find me’ in London, when I went to meet a friend after an argument. He knew the area I would be in, but I couldn’t believe he had actually managed to find me in a big city.

During this time, N decided to go bankrupt without finding out the full consequences. I found out he had £40,000 worth of debt. He said he wanted to clear his debts so we could have a baby and move into a bigger house. He was very concerned my house was so small. I believe he did not have a ulterior plan to 'use me' at this stage. and that he was genuine.
The month before the wedding, he found out the true consequences of the bankruptcy. It was a massive shock to me. The upshot was that he had to give up his employed job and also his business and I supported him financially for the next year. He promised we would then clear the debts I had, together, and start afresh with neither of us owing anything. I believed we were a team.

We got married, and things got worse. I paid for everything, some of our wedding, our rings, all living expenses, the gym, meals out. We argued because N couldn't cope with being at home doing the cleaning while I earned (he is very alpha and really struggled with this) and I was often tired from working as hard as I could. I gave him my bank card and access to my accounts but asked him to be careful. He told me all the time that I was controlling him. He would go out for dinner or socialise with my family, we would have a lovely time, then afterwards he would tell me I was controlling because ‘I’ decided to spend money on that.

I worked but also did all the paperwork and bills because I was good at it- and because I could see he was not. In his old flat he had had piles and piles of unopened mail and so many demand letters. I had good credit and always paid everything on time- I was a single parent and had to run my life well. I did object to him spending too much on coffee and lunches while I tried to be economical, but I felt huge pressure during that year, because I did all the finances. I don’t earn a big salary and it was very tough making it go round. At times I had to extend my overdraft massively. Still, I paid for his gym membership and we ate out every week. He did not really ‘go without’ financially during that bankruptcy year.

It’s true I was a bad- tempered cow sometimes, I remember being unfair and horrible sometimes, and I regret so much the times when I was unfair to him. I still had some angry feelings about his unfaithfulness (I would see his ex as she was working in town) and did take this out on him sometimes. However, it was a hard year for everyone and N was also FULL of bad tempers and depression. He blamed me quite openly for him going bankrupt, for giving up his flat and his business, a favourite refrain to this day was “I gave up my business for you! I gave up my flat for you!” He also blamed me for the fact that we found out we had to do ivf, as tests showed my fallopian tubes were blocked. He suggested I knew before the marriage and that I tricked him. He accused me of never loving him, and just using him to have a baby.

His controlling nature came out. He would turn on me in bed and rant at me sometimes. Once he got angry because I forgot not to call my son’s dad "Daddy" in front of him and when I objected to his ordering tone of voice and told him I wasn't going to do what he said, he hissed "You f**king well will!" with so much aggression and rage in his voice. When I tried to speak to him about how unacceptable this was this the next day (we were driving somewhere), he shouted at me, got out the car and walked off. He seemed to have an obsession with women being sluts and would call me this and a drunk when we argued. He hated me having any alcohol even though I certainly drink very moderately.

But still we had loving lovely cosy family times. This account seems to be full of bad things but there were many great times and we were still very close and loving in between the dramatic stuff. He spent time doing my son’s homework with him and going to his sports matches, he attended all parents evenings and we felt like a proper family unit. We had one car (mine) so he would drive me to work and my son to school, because he wanted to use the car in the daytime. This later became “I chauffeured you everywhere - I was your slave”.

That year we also did our first ivf (unsuccessfully) which went on my credit card and through it we argued more and more. N hated that one of my best friends (of 22 years) was my ex's sister and began to get funny when I spoke to her on the phone. He would tell me I couldn't text her or my ex while I was in his car or around him. It became difficult for me to see her. His problem with this friend /my ex caused many arguments. When I was supposed to be kept calm and unstressed, straight after the embryo transfer, N created a huge argument over my ex (who had been difficult again) and thought nothing of shouting at me and making me hysterical.

The name calling started. I went out for a drink with my sister and he was vile when I came home, even though I had not had many drinks at all. He told me he would not sleep in the same bed as me because I stank of booze and was a ‘disgusting mother’. The next day, when I told he that was not ok, he told me I was ‘drinking and dancing with men’, a 'dirty girl who should keep her legs shut' and a 'filthy c**t'. I found N overly jealous and controlling and many of our arguments started like this. He would quiz me about who I had coffee with in the staff room at work, or cause an argument if a colleague put a kiss on a text. When my friend had to go to court over custody of her little girl, and was let down by her babysitter one day, I said that I would help with childcare- it was an emergency. Even though we had no plans that day, he went mad because I had not asked him first, he constantly said I put my friends above him, when in reality I didn’t see them very much. He told me they were “on the prowl” and always put them down.

The bankruptcy year ended and he got a job immediately, but it was always a massive struggle to get N to give me his earnings to pay our bills and debts, which had risen due to the ivf and because my income had not stretched to everything. His original “I will pay back the debts with you as fast as possible” turned into “I’m not giving you all my money”. Once, when we were arguing about how much he was giving towards the debts, he flipped out in my (new) car whilst driving, punched the steering wheel in a rage 3 times (splitting it), then screeched to a halt on the pavement, just before a lamppost and stormed out and walked home, leaving me stranded and sobbing. We should not have been arguing in the car and that was my fault too, I can’t believe now that we would argue vehemently while driving. I told him to leave and he went to stay with his cousin for a few days. It took a week of emails before he admitted any wrongdoing, but then he begged to come home and said it was all his fault. N would often argue to the death about something, then never say sorry, or tell me I had to ‘wait until the right time’ for an apology- it would take a very long time for him to admit any responsibility. After I had exhausted myself trying to make him see what I felt was reason, he would say it was his fault and apologise, and I would forgive him. In an argument later, he would backtrack and go back to his original viewpoint.

We did another round of ivf, this time in Greece, again on my credit card. N had just got another, better, corporate job (far away, with a big commute, despite my misgivings) and I went to do the ivf on my own. I cleared out my bank accounts and maxed my credit cards, fully expecting him to support me after it. He was earning a decent salary.

While I was in Greece, he went mad because my son's father texted me about arrangements to drop my son off. I called N to let him know the time and he told me I had ‘dirtied the ivf’ by having contact with my ex and that I wasn’t allowed to have contact. We argued about this- he threatened to cancel the ivf the day before egg collection. I acquiesced to his demands but told him I didn't agree and I thought it was ridiculous. He told me I had to agree, 'to think the same as him' about it. We made up, although I was upset, and I continued with the ivf.

Two days later, we had 5 little embryos. I went to dinner with other women there alone, also doing ivf. I turned off my phone for 3 hours. N later called me screaming in total rage because I had not been available. After an hour of this, I went to bed and apologised calmly the next day. He was relentless. He told me I was not to eat, sleep, do anything without telling him first. He called and screamed at me that if I was not in my hotel room at exactly 10pm every night, he would tell the clinic to cancel the ivf. That he had an email written to the clinic and his finger on the send button. He went totally berserk and remained monstrous and screaming for 2 more days. Literally screamed at me every night about how rapists and murderers were waiting to get me in Greece, and texted me a countdown- ‘I had 30 more minutes before my curfew, and was I going to obey him or should he send the email?’ If I didn’t answer my mobile, N called the hotel phone to rage at me. I couldn’t get away from him. I was worried about my son back home. I wept and wept. I had not seen this level of blackmail/ control before and I agonised about whether to continue with the ivf. I was scared, stressed, devastated, full of hormones, exhausted. He put the phone down on my family who tried to reason with him, he told them I had treated him "like a dog" during the bankruptcy year, that he had been my slave, that I had controlled him and never would again. No one could get through to him. He eventually stopped after the embryos were put back in me.

When I came home and tried to talk to him about it, N’s response was " What about me? I had to cope with a new job, a commute, your children. I was exhausted and stressed." I tried pointing out there was no comparison to the stress of doing ivf on your own in a strange country. He couldn't see it. He shouted at me the night I came home, with the embryos in me, flared up because I tried to stop him going round to the neighbours and telling them not to smoke in their own garden ( he said he could smell the smoke in our house- I couldn't.). He called me a ‘skank’ and said if I was pregnant I'd better have an abortion, and that if I was pregnant, he’d make sure I’d never even see the baby because I was such a bad mother. I went to stay with my mother but things snowballed even more. He hadn’t said a genuine sorry about his behaviour in Greece and I was so wounded. The ivf was, unsurprisingly, unsuccessful.

He turned into a complete tyrant- he was fuIl of importance about his job and what a high flyer he was. He earned a decent salary but it was a huge struggle to get him to spend just half his salary on the bills/ rent. I was devastated, I had no money, I was an emotional mess and grieving the unsuccessful ivf, and I was completely exhausted physically. He told me he was in charge, he was going to do the shopping and he would allocate only £40 a week to feed a family of four. He would not allow me any personal money – I had to go to him and ask for anything I needed. My elder son was living with us and paying a little rent/food money. My husband demanded it, and said I could not keep it. He asked me to account for everything I spent and wanted to see receipts.

I spent the worst summer of my life as he treated me as if I was nothing to him. He called me names, shouted at me if his dinner was not ready when he came home, or if I went anywhere nice with my son (I am a self-employed teacher so was on holidays). He spent a lot of this summer staying with friends in Brighton (that did not like me) and I did not know what he was doing or who he was with. He in fact moved most of his clothes into their spare room. He projected that he did not want me or my son, was dismissive of us while I begged him to save our marriage, and reach the original man I loved. He wasn't there much anymore, but he would sometimes pop up and we would have a lovely family day or he would be very loving. Mostly he was full of resentment and hate towards me and my perceived mistreatment of him during the bankruptcy year, when he had no money and was reliant on me. He blamed me entirely for everything. Nothing I did or said was any good and if I disagreed with anything he said or thought, or gave a different opinion, he would snap "Stop arguing with me." And cut me dead. So I would shut up and just cry. I could hardly speak without him getting angry or irritated. I truly walked on eggshells. He once told me to apologise to him because I had not noticed that he had shaved.

N hated the small house we lived in, our “common” neighbours, the area. Nothing was good enough for him- he wanted better. I refused to move to a bigger more expensive house until we had paid the debts. By now we had £15,000 in my name.

We went to France for a few days together and, removed from reality, we had a nice time.
When we got back, I went camping for 2 days with my ex's sister and on that morning he screamed at me that we "were going to get drunk and f**k men like wh***s". When I returned he punished me for going by being uncontactable and staying in Brighton. He told me I would have flirted with men, that I was untrustworthy. One night, after he was ranting at me in bed, I went downstairs and just sobbed on the kitchen floor. I felt so broken. He came down and continued, sneering at me, telling me I was so selfish because he had to get up early, to shut up and let him sleep. I completely lost it, grabbed a knife and slashed my own arm in an attempt to make him stop hurting me anymore. He ran away upstairs, I was just screaming and stabbing the hall door telling him to get away from me, to get out of my life, to stop hurting me. I know this sounds like crazy, crazy behaviour, and I shocked myself. I was still not ok emotionally, still recovering from the ivf which had only been 6 weeks previously. N told everyone he knew that I had tried to stab him. I do not think I would have acted like this if my son had been home- he was at his dads for a few weeks.

He got texts from the Brighton crowd that they were ‘worried about him’. He started carrying his phone around everywhere- into the toilet, leaving it in the car. I know he began to tell people I was aggressive and crazy and abusive. He would flinch when I walked past him in front of my family, as if I was going to hurt him. My family hated this. Once when I scratched him accidentally with my car keys during an argument (in front of my family), he stored a picture on his computer under "Key Attack" and the date, as if it had been intentional. He sent a text to his friend telling him to download and ‘store’ evidence that I had bruised him. It is true that occasionally in an argument I would not be able to bear it anymore and launch myself at him, and hit my fists on his arms, and cry for him to stop hurting me. Once, when I had completely drowned my sorrows in way too much wine, after he had left telling me we were over, he was there when I got home, and I punched him on the arm quite intentionally, and told him I hated him. I am not proud of that and am coming to terms with the fact that I am ashamed about that and did wrong, that anything physical is wrong. He did in fact make me feel crazy, but he is 15 stone and a big man, he is built well with muscles. I am 5 ft and slender.

Then one morning, I borrowed his computer and found out N had been on a dating site for a year. He had been on briefly first during an argument, then while I did ivf, and lots during that summer, sending lots of messages to girls. It was an ‘elite’ site which you could only join if you were voted in as attractive/ beautiful . I cried for 3 days but did not tell him I knew. I made a fake profile, just to see whether he would really meet someone, or whether it was just immature stupidity when we argued. I made a massive effort with him, while my heart was breaking, and things became a little better. But then he replied to my fake profile, while away on a business trip, and again the next day, suggesting coffee. This was while he was telling me he loved me, and while things were, on the surface, better. It was not during an argument. I was so devastated.

I also found out that, with financial help from his father, he had secretly rented a room near his work, something which he had been talking about to reduce his commute during the weekdays but which I had put my foot down about as I did not trust him. He had made me out to be aggressive and horrible to his father. I asked him straight out whether he had a room- he lied to my face, over and over, without a qualm. I couldn’t believe he could lie to my face. He only ended up staying in that room once, but he lied. I began to gather myself to leave him.

When he lied to me about how much he had been paid (I had seen his payslip and he had had quite a bit of extra money from a tax rebate), it suddenly all came out one day, in the middle of town. I screamed at him to get out, that I knew about everything, the dating site, the lies, the room. He was shocked.

He moved out, and completely changed, cried, begged. He told me continuously he had realised how much I meant to him, that I was his soulmate, that he had just lost his faith, that he would never have met anyone on the dating site and was just addicted because it made him feel better, that he couldn’t live without me, that he would never love anyone but me. He told me he was a lost soul, and he was always “searching, searching”. I still loved him and agreed to try again. He totally convinced me things would be different and that he really did love me that he had realised my worth. He lived in his room in the week and came down at weekends. We began marraige counselling midweek but it was a disaster- his commute back on a week night made him moody and tired and late and he would flip out.

I had never doubted his fidelity since we had been married, and it had rocked my world, as had the lies to my face. When talking about the dating site, he once inappropriately said "I'm a hunter" then realised what he said and backtracked. I did have some phone conversations where I was unreasonable and angry and hateful to him. More than anything, I wanted him to move back in and give me the reassurance I needed, but he had a 3 month contract on his room.

One weekday evening, after a week of unsuccessful contact (he went away on a business trip and I felt he was not meeting my need for emotional reassurance and was angry with him), I didn't respond to his texts because I was with my mum. N facebooked a girl he had met whilst out in the evening with colleagues on this trip. He suggested they meet for a coffee- it was probably a long shot as she lived hundreds of miles away but he made inappropriate contact with her. He said he was “separated, thank god” and referred to me very disrespectfully and as a 'high conflict personality' in this message. I was devastated again. But still I wanted to be with him. He told me “I messaged her because I thought you didn't love me anymore"- because I had not answered his texts that evening! He admitted to me then that he could not be in a relationship with anyone unless he was the one ‘in control’.

His mother arrived the next day, new in the country, from Canada, to live here, bringing no money and hardly any possessions. I had told her it was not a good time but she came anyway. She stayed with my mum for a month, then me (which was very stressful), then found a place to rent. There was immense pressure on me and N to help her financially, and find her a flat/ furniture etc- with no money! I was still continuing a relationship with my husband but she was the cause of lots of arguments (N doesn't have a good relationship with his mother and treats her horribly and with massive disrespect. She makes him explode in rage after about 10 minutes. He once told me he was so ashamed to have a mother like her. His father can do no wrong). Instead of concentrating on sorting our marriage out, N’s mother took all our energy. N did not end up making anything up to me, or reassuring me, as it was all about his mother and the problems she caused, finding her a flat, finding her free furniture. I did it all. He did not even want me to help her. The nice behaviour stopped. We were back into arguing.

All this time he was renting a room, he was not helping me financially except a small payment to the credit card ivf debt. Just before Christmas 2013, when his room contract was up and N was supposed to be moving back in, he argued with me about paying half the bills for our house again. He wanted me to write them all down, then went into a sudden rage and viciously kicked the piece of paper out of my hand and into my face, screamed at me and left. I just didn’t understand. It was Christmas Eve. I followed him to the coffee shop he went to and tried to reason with him. I was in tears. He was cold.
Just after Christmas, he flipped out and told me he “wasn’t ready” to move in, that he was scared of giving ‘all the control’ to me again, and went back to his room, which he had kept on for another month. After I pleaded with him, he came back and moved in, but he became a tyrant again. Everything was completely on his terms. He told me his demands due to his long commute (dinner ready when he came home, house always clean, we both had to go to bed by ten, be looked after etc, that he had to spend the weekends mountain biking) but when I asked about my needs, he told me "it's enough that I'm living here with you and having to commute. You aren't giving anything up or changing your life. I’m living in this tiny house far from my work."

The next 2 months became a living nightmare. N once shouted at me for hours because I had forgotten to buy eggs for Sat morning-it “meant I didn’t love him”. He flared up about nothing all the time. He demanded that he, not I, take charge of my son’s contact arrangements with my ex, so I did not have to have any contact with him. He told me I could not open the door to my ex when he came to pick up my son. It got so that I quietly arranged for my son to be picked up from my mother’s. When I did open the door, he accused me of ‘ giggling’/ flirting, which was utter nonsense as I am stiffly polite with my ex and we avoid each other as much as possible.

N went away on business but I was not allowed to be unavailable. I went to dinner with a friend and put my phone on silent, texted him I would call him afterwards, at 9.30 pm. He then raged until 1.00 am, telling me I was treating him “like dogs**t” and that I was a b***h because I had dared to turn my phone off when he needed to speak to me and was exhausted and alone in a different country. He apologised for overreacting the next day- but then quoted my behaviour as being in the wrong later. He caused a 2 hour argument while watching TV- telling me he could imagine me in a crack den- to which I objected and said I’d only done the ‘normal’ experimenting when I was young. He said "Whose c**k did you suck to get that?" and then raged at me for 2 hours about what a terrible person I was to do that, 20 years ago, that he hated ‘sleazy girls’ that acted like that. He wouldn't stop despite my reasoning with him, and saying that he had known everything about me when he married me. Once, when a disagreement came up after we had made love, he called me a b***h and told me to “go and masturbate”. This while my son was upstairs in his room and heard.

He thought everything I did had an ulterior, nasty motive, even steaming the floors was done for other people- because I never did anything just for ‘him’. If I got ready for a meal out with family, or washed my hair before meeting a friend, he would tell me that I never tried to look nice ‘for him’. I ended up trying not to make a noticeable effort if I went anywhere. He constantly made out I was not a good person.

On Valentine’s day he blew up and screamed at me that “I f***ing hate you, you b***h” through the letterbox as he went to work, because he was obsessing over his hatred of my ex and I mentioned that our troubles were actually unrelated to him. The next day was our wedding anniversary and he made it hell- shouting at me all day, following me around while I sobbed and did housework and begged couldn’t we please just have a nice day?

Through this time I was having some therapy which really helped me as I had lost the ability to see what was unacceptable and what was not. I had an operation scheduled and when he flipped out once again and told me he was leaving, 2 weeks before, and that he “didn’t care that I was having surgery, that I deserved it”, I got mad and told him to go.

He went to his mother’s but the next day, he changed into nice N and begged to come back. After a few days I was in a lot of pain (waiting for my operation) and I let him come home. The balance of control had shifted. I told him he would never control me again. I felt stronger. I acted stronger. He calmed down and stopped being so tyrannical and more reasonable. Things were much better for a few weeks and my impending operation made me feel close to him/ I needed him/ we were a unit.

I had my operation. The day after, when I was still in hospital, N called and started having a go at me because my son's father had been phoning the house a lot that morning and he didn’t like it. He made me cry and have a terrible attack of pain. The hospital staff told him I had to be kept calm and unstressed when he picked me up to go home. Four days later the bills and rent needed to be paid again. I could barely walk but he still managed to get angry and shout. It was the same story every month. He felt like he shouldn’t give me any money because I had been living there and paying for everything before he moved in, so I was just ‘taking’ his money for nothing. He did look after me physically during this time.

N then lost his job but was going to receive several thousand pounds in lieu and immediately found some work with an old employer. A few days later I was sent back to hospital because they found that I had internal bleeding and an infection. I was really unwell and had 4 blood transfusions and an infected hematoma in my pelvis. I stayed in hospital for 11 days and during this time became emotionally very close to N again- he was being very caring.
The day I went home, N became stressed because my (homeless) nephew had asked to stay the night, and he didn’t want him to. On reflection, it was totally the wrong time for my nephew to stay, and I should have listened to him. He shouted at me immediately I got in the door, because I didn’t want to say no to my nephew, and told him he couldn’t just make the decision on his own. I was on morphine and in a lot of pain, and was weeping within 5 minutes of arriving, while he stormed off into the garden. He then ignored me while he wrote an email to my brother about the situation, while I cried upstairs. My elder, grown up son visited and was appalled. He had an argument with N, but stopped because I was getting upset. N continued to be very angry despite my distress. He left me to cope alone that night even though I was very unwell, and stayed at his mother’s. Sometime in the next week, he removed and destroyed a treasured photo of my elder son from its frame. It caused many arguments as I thought that action was malicious, spiteful and full of hate. N dismissed it as nothing (and seemed to think it was justified because he was angry) and told me to just print another. I would not accept this.
I felt N also started being unfair to my younger son (age 14), for nothing, demanding to see his phone messages out the blue, and flaring up/storming out when I disagreed that that was his right. He called him a “b***ard kid” (not to his face, but my son heard it). We argued as I would not let him say such things, and I became more and more distressed and angry/ hurt that he was not looking after me and blowing up and causing arguments over nothing when I was ill. He stayed at his mother’s for 5 days but we then reconciled- I was still ill (I had lost a stone and was very thin, and still had an infected hematoma in my abdomen which was slowly reabsorbing), but had just started work again. I felt like I needed him and that he was never there.

Then N’s dad arrived from Canada for a visit. I never saw him. He stayed in a hotel 5 mins walk away but I think N kept him away from me- he did not even come to say hello. Two days later, I had a BBQ for my birthday, N told me he had told his dad not to come, so it could just be my family. I did not realise it but N was obviously planning his departure for the next day. He had just received his payout from his old job- but I did not know, and he told me it had not come in yet. I had asked for him to pay a bit more than usual that month, as I had lost a month's salary while I had been ill and recuperating, but he had told me he was waiting for this money. He transferred the money immediately (the same day) to another account.

N left suddenly, the next day, very suddenly, just not returning from work, sending one text each day telling me he "was not coming home tonight". He had left that morning with us telling each other we loved each other, and that we would have a fresh start. He ignored my crying devastated messages. This went on for 2 weeks, and I could barely eat or sleep. I didn’t know where he was or what he was doing, or his intentions. It was such a shock. I went to visit some old friends in Germany for 2 days. I still cried while I was there, but it helped a little. He took a trip to France and began to send me loving messages while he was there, and responded to me once again. I felt hope again, until he sent me an email telling me he wanted a divorce. I was devastated and begged him to reconsider. I poured out my heart as to the reasons why we would work now, about how much I loved him. I almost got on a plane and went to Chamonix, where he was mountain biking, but he told me it would spoil his trip.

When N returned, he was on a complete power trip. He told me he would never live in ‘my house again’, that I ‘could be his girlfriend and see him a couple of times a week if I wished’, but he would never live with someone with children again. We saw each other and I slept with him, it was completely confusing, he said it didn’t have to be the end, that he loved me so we could work something out, then he would tell me he still wanted a divorce. He would send me texts like “I want to be with you, I miss you, I just think the current situation is not doable”or “Let me organise myself then let’s work something out. I really miss what we have between us and I miss you”.

He went off saying he would be back in our hometown in a few days. He came back and stayed with me late at night, wanting comfort, then went again. The next time, he kept me waiting to see him all day and then went mad because I wasn’t waiting for him at home, but was at my brothers, 5 mins walk away. I had asked him to text me when he was leaving his mother’s so I could be there, but he didn’t. He called me only when he was at my house, I ran there and was there in 2 mins, he screamed at me outside my house, in front of the neighbours, told me to f*** off and drove off, and sent me nasty texts all evening. I still reacted with love. I was so loving to him. I wanted him to see how much I loved him. He became paranoid about my family ‘plotting’ against him.

He suddenly took a job in a different county, hundreds of miles away and told me he was going to move there, that I could stay for the summer, that I could change my job and my son’s school easily if necessary. He was happy because the job paid very well, he was going to get a very nice car, he could live the lifestyle he wanted. I was obviously upset and tried to talk about our future and how we could still work it out, he told me I did not own him just because we “had sex”, but kept me hanging on with ‘maybes’.

We went to look at Mercedes and BMW’s to help him choose a model, he had an allowance from his new job but had to pay extra if he wanted the more expensive models. I was encouraging him not to spend too much as we still had debts. He then flipped out and screamed at me how the debts in my name were nothing to do with him and were all mine, how he worked like a slave doing the housework that bankruptcy year, how I was an abusive dictator, over-dramatic, uncompromising and unreasonable, and wouldn’t get a penny from him, how he was going to get an apartment where he wanted and I had no right to tell him he couldn’t get a home. I cried, he became worse, I stumbled and fell over trying to get away from his shouting in my face, he sneered at me and told me to stop being “a victim” as I wept.

He went back and forth like this for a couple of weeks, as I begged him not to separate us. He friended a girl he met in pub in his new work town, who was “going to show him about town”. When I was upset about this, he raged at me and changed his Facebook status from married to to “single and interested in women”. He then found out I had gone to Germany and phoned in a complete rage screaming at me about STD’s, and how he would sue me in court because I was a s**t and a w***e. This after he refused to tell me what he had been doing in that time (I found out he had made another trip to France). He tried to force me to say I was a liar and had deceived him. I tried to reason with him, then after he would not listen, I told him I had had enough and to go away. He defriended me on Facebook, so I blocked him.

I ignored his texts and emails which began by telling me I was evil and abusive, and a drugtaker, but they switched to loving and wistful when I did not reply, how he was sorry things didn’t work out, how he loved me, wanted to be friends, missed me, how he was looking at our wedding photos and I was the most beautiful bride. Every day there were romantic texts. When after a week he began to attack again, telling me I was a liar and a cheat and a hypocrite about my trip to Germany, I made a mistake and responded. I pointed out I had gone away to heal because I was devastated by his abandonment of me, but N would not listen or see the hypocrisy of his own behaviour. He just ignored everything I said and texted the same thing over and over- “I was a cheat and a liar and I had to admit it”. He told me he was “going to give it another shot and then found about Germany” so that’s why he “was not with me now”. He had “no double standards” and I “loved to lie and argue and punish him in my psychotic ways and what’s with the cocaine?” It felt so crazy that I cut contact again. He moved into his new place and has a profile on Match.com, asking to meet girls as young as 20 (he is nearly 34).

That was 6 weeks ago. Since then there have been almost daily texts / emails, all telling me he loves and misses me. I ignored most of them, but sent just one email asking what he wanted from me, since he was the one who left, and that this was his choice. He sent me a nonsensical but romantic email back, saying how he lies awake thinking of our wedding photos, how he loved making love to me, and asking me what I wanted from HIM. He kept telling me he wanted to talk, that he was confused. He somehow saw I had a dating profile (activated one weeping- filled night, but then never used) and sent me a couple of rage-filled emails, then reverted back to saying he missed me and wanted to talk. I had not responded at all, to anything, but I was tired of it all, suddenly. I thought he might be able to relate honestly and directly, without all the games, and that we were, after all, still married. I thought he wanted to talk for a reason, he had been so persistent. I missed him so much, it was a physical ache. I was crying all the time. I finally said ‘Ok, how about this weekend, let’s just meet and relate as human beings’.

His response seemed very different- non-committal and made late at night: ‘sounds good but let’s think about it for a day’, then the next evening: ‘Are you sure you want to see me?’ I replied that I was apprehensive but had made a genuine response to his requests to talk and meet, that I didn’t want to play games, and did he not mean all the emails and texts he had sent? He responded on the Sat afternoon, saying that he was scared to see me in case I ‘am angry and hurt and punish him’ and that he couldn’t take ‘torment and drama’ anymore. I wrote back saying that I had only responded to his suggestions to meet, had been nothing but peaceful and calm, that I was not interested in any conflict, or who did what to who, but that the only things that were undeniable were that he should not have abandoned my son so suddenly, with no explanation, or left me financially struggling, and with our joint debt.

I then received an email from him, which has shocked me, in which he speaks as though I have been begging HIM to meet, as if I am the abuser and he is a complete victim, as if everything was my fault because of my behaviour. He wrote that he ‘misses me at night, because he is not used to sleeping on his own, but that in the day he is 'tense and apprehensive about even the thought of seeing me’, of my ‘expressive and animated rage’ being the reason why it would take him a long time to see me, about how he hopes I feel better and is glad I have found a way to manage my ‘negative emotions’. He denied the impact on my son and the financial implications of him leaving me with the debt.

Since this email, last Sunday, there has been no contact from him. A final discard?... Even after he already discarded me? I have not cried as much since receiving this, but I feel like I have been punched. I feel so shocked and betrayed. Were all those texts and emails simply because he ‘missed me at night?’ or in the moment? That shallow? Or were they just a complete sham? Why keep telling me he loved me, missed me and wanted to talk, and then show me so utterly that it was all a load of BS? He must know he has exposed himself. Everything I have read says that narcissists need to leave feeling like they are blameless, that it was all YOUR fault, that he was the calm and reasonable one, that YOU are abusive. But still I cannot believe that he has just done that. After he saw me suffering so much.

I do believe he loved me in his own way. I have been struggling to understand how he could just drop me, his wife, in the way that he has. I keep trying to remember that his actions do not fit his words and that if he meant his words, he would have discussed things with me, how we could be together, he would be here now. He just decided, dropped me and my son, left, made a new life. And he has rewritten everything to fit his script. He has managed to make himself blameless. And recreate himself in a new area, with no one who knows him. All new and shiny.
I feel that perhaps I am ready to go no contact, as there is just no point anymore, even though I am still in torment and he is always in my head. With that last bout of contact, he has actually shown me his games and his BS. Even though I can still feel my mind trying to make excuses for him, still softening. I feel I want to write him a long email putting things right- outlining his abuse, his rages and letting him know I do not accept his rewriting of the facts. That he IS to blame and that I see him for what and who he is.
And then block him from everything. My hair is falling out, in locks now. I don’t know if that was the trauma of surgery and being ill a few months ago, or the constant stress of this break up. I am actually so glad he was arrogant enough to send me that last email. Before that I was so distraught, I kept not being able to function. I’m just so tired. I wish I could start the divorce, but I do not have his address. I’m just waiting for his divorce papers to fall on my mat. I just want to be at peace, without this in my head 24/7.

Aug 28 - 5PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Hi Florence, Welcome to

Aug 28 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
florence7
florence7's picture

Thank you for welcoming me. I

Aug 30 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
someday
someday's picture

Even your heart knows he's no good for you

Aug 28 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You are not alone. I am not