Trouble's Story

I'm finally ready to share my story (sorry it's long). It took me a few rounds with this guy to finally be done. I'm at a point now where I'm disgusted, want to focus on myself, strengthen and recover, and never know him again. I am determined to do the hard work to get through my feelings and not ever go back to this man, who admits he has a heart of stone and a shred of a soul. This last round his mask was down and I saw the hollow, empty shell of a person he is. I saw how much he hates himself and lives in a world of regret, so he uses women to prop up his non-existent self-esteem on a constant, hourly basis. I am currently one month NC. It is so much easier this time around. I feel completely done, like I never want to hear from him again, never want to have a phone conversation again, never want to see him again. I don't feel sad about that, I've seen and know too much now. I feel used, played, conquered, tossed aside like trash. I never want to feel this way again and am committed to doing the work to keep away (had a one-on-one with Goldie and am currently in her group).

Over 15 months, we've only seen each other in person 3 times. Once when we met, once 4 months later for one hour, just got a beer together, then once for a weekend just recently which was extremely disappointing and is for sure the last time.

The whole relationship has been long distance via email, text, phone. I think this works best for him. It creates longing and want in me, but he is not able to really be close with anyone, so he gets the distance he craves while having someone pine for him.

Although the relationship lasted 15 months, there were 2 long episodes of No Contact -- one for 3 months and one for 6 months. This is why I'm serious about getting over him now and doing the work. I don't ever want to fall back into his clutches because I'm over-romanticizing him and holding on to the illusion that has now been completely shattered. There is no going back, only forward. He was this beautiful mystery to me, a fantasy, and I overlooked everything I knew in my mind to be true because my heart wasn't closed to him yet.

First off, let me say a few truths I've realized in case it helps anyone else:
-I thought he was crazy about me. Turns out, he's just crazy.
-I thought he wanted me. Nope. He just wanted me to want him.
-Whenever I find myself trying to replay something and understand something he said from his scrambled egg mind I tell myself "Personality Disorder" and then I stop trying to understand.

OK, so I'm married, early 40's 2 kids. My husband is sick, has been for 4 years with a chronic auto-immune disorder. Things were ok before he got sick, but they have been very very challenging since he got sick. Sexually, our relationship is dead and it was for a few years before he got sick. It is all related to the illness, but I think there is some withholding stuff going on too. I had been talking with him about our sex life for years, hoping for improvement and he would blow me off. I was getting frustrated and thinking about having an affair. A way to get what I want (and what he clearly didn't want to give) and keep the family together. I could not fathom leaving him or seeing my kids half time, but I wasn't happy. Before my husband got sick, he had inappropriate relationships with women -- texting, sending pictures, flirting in front of me. I would talk to him about what I was seeing, but he wasn't altering his behavior. My self-esteem was down and he felt like I was overweight. I had thought about leaving him, but I was home with the kids, not working. When my husband got sick, I went back to work full time and found an amazing job using my masters degree. I felt so lucky. My self-esteem picked up as I saw how valued I was in the work place. Husband stops the flirting once he got sick, also reduced his work hours to make doctor appointments, destress, etc. With my husband I felt unwanted, unattractive, yet I was seeing as I returned to work that I was desirable and interesting and intelligent. Others were seeing it in me, but not my husband.

Enter the narc. A little over a year ago, I get on a plane home from a business trip on a 5 hour flight and see him sitting there, the most beautiful man I've ever seen. It was like I conjured him up and he manifested in the seat next to me. We are across the aisle from each other in the exit row, with no one else in our row. It was like a 5 hour date, but we were just talking, getting to know each other, laughing, nothing inappropriate. But I am very very attracted to him. Like nothing I've experienced. I felt alive, I felt like he saw me when I was feeling invisible in my marriage.

He is the same age as me, divorced, 2 kids older than mine. He was married 10 years, then lived with a girlfriend for 4 years, then single for 2 years. I get the sense he is a player. A man child. He is 6'3", super fit, surfer, gorgeous, he works in construction. I think this could be the guy, someone I can just have fun with, nothing serious, keep my life intact.

We get off the plane and I give him my number, which is not something I've done in 20 years. Next morning he is texting me. He's in my area for a weekend, going to a 2-day concert. He wants to meet for coffee, he loved talking with me, etc. His texts get more and more frequent and aggressive: he's attracted to me even though he knows I'm married, he likes me a lot, etc. Sends me a slideshow of pictures of himself. Doesn't ask for any of me. Eventually I get naked pictures of him. He wants me to meet him in his hotel before he leaves town. I tell him it's too much, please stop. It was too much, too fast, too aggressive for me. I wasn't ready. I felt scared of him, yet strangely attracted. It felt dangerous and electric, but I couldn't handle it.

He leaves my area and his now a 2 hour plane ride away, visiting family and friends in the area he grew up. He leaves me alone, then 3 weeks later I get another text. Sorry for the naked pictures, I got carried away. We chat back and forth, he seems a little more respectful. He tells me "don't look too deep, there's not much there!" which I think is really odd. We talk on the phone, the love bombing and massive future faking start big time. He sounds so excited to talk to me, I think about you all the time, I love hearing your voice, it turns me on, I want to be with you, just so over the top. I feel completely knocked off my feet, not swept off my feet. The more we talk, the more I get sucked in. He talks to me about a big job change he is taking on, I'm supporting him, encouraging him. He says he hasn't felt this way in years, it feels comforting talking to someone like this. I get the impression that he just pushes a sexual agenda on the women he meets, but he and I are actually talking about real stuff. He slowly starts introducing sex into the conversations ... do you think of me sexually? Let me make you feel like a woman, etc. I am really fretting over the fact that I'm married, this is so out of character for me, etc. He starts saying that he wants me for a life partner, wants to marry me. He'll wait for me to leave my husband. I'm confused because I never wanted that. He is pushing this agenda on me. This is what I call his Jedi mind tricks, saying something outrageous that isn't true, then I can't stop thinking about it. He says "Out of all the girls in the world, I choose you, aren't you flattered?" (I cringe every time he says "girl" instead of "woman" but I'm leaving his words in here for context.) He tells me he loves me and "I don't say that to any of the other girls I'm seeing!" Also, "I don't like any of the other girls I'm seeing." All these red flags left and right. More and more texts, phone calls, pictures. More naked pictures. He wants pictures of me, I won't send them. He wants phone sex, I won't do it. I'm feeling like if I'm going to cross this line, I want it to be in person, not virtual. He hears me and seems to get it.

He tells me he has seen married women before. He is surprisingly well-behaved -- only texts me during the work day, never in the evenings, never on the weekends. Clearly he is experienced in what to do and what not to do. He also has told me that he cheated on his wife, she cheated on him, he has bad credit, lost his house, has an assault charge from getting in a fight in a bar over a girl, etc. He tells me these very confessional things, but they are of course all red flags. He tells me his kids are 6 months apart ... 2 different women. He got someone pregnant, then started dating his wife, they married in 3 months, then she got pregnant right away. His daughter lives 5 hours away, he has little contact with her, but pays palimony. The son lives an hour plane ride away. He says he has custody, but the wife lives with him so he could stay at his same school with his same friends when he left the wife. He is not actively raising either of his kids: my initial instinct was right, that he has no responsibilities, lives the pleasure principle, is a man child. He calls his ex-wife a flake, but I wonder why since she is raising his son while he does what ever he wants and rarely sees him. (Later he tells me she is bipolar and coked out on Aderall)

He is now back to where he lives, his new job, a 5 hour flight away. But his work is taking him back to my area. We have a chance to meet up. It is probably a month or so after our first meeting. I'm so excited. I want to see him in person in a natural setting, not on a plane. I have this feeling that I may not like him if I see him in a bar or coffee shop. I just want a chance to see him and see what is there.

He starts talking to me more and more sexually, telling me what he wants to do to me. Some of it is romantic and sounds good, some of it sounds rough and awful. I have these very polar feelings about him: I feel safe and scared. I feel loved and unloved. I feel happy and sad. I feel high and low. I have lost 15 pounds, trouble eating, sleeping, feeling like a zombie. I feel anxious, nervous, like I have a secret life and it does not feel good.

My husband notices and says something to me. I tell him I'm unhappy and want to go outside the marriage (my therapist has encouraged me to tell my husband before I act so I'm not dishonest). This does not go over well. He tells me I can't see the guy or I have to move out. I break it off with the narc and deal with the big bomb in my marriage. The narc is strangely calm, like no big deal that I am saying goodbye. He says he is bummed, back to square one, nothing about missing me or anything to do with me, just the effect on him. He tells me I'm in his heart. I don't have any contact with him for 3 months.

During those 3 months I am intensely sad, like I've just broken up with a boyfriend. My husband has no idea how close I've become with this guy. I feel distant, not present, miserable. The feelings slowly and slowly get better with time. I do feel the relief that no contact brings. I surround myself with friends and family, keep busy, take up new hobbies, build my life back up. I feel like I have stepped off the crazy train, although I didn't choose to get off, I was told to. I still feel like there is unfinished business with the narc, I'm still curious, he is still a fantasy in my mind.

During these months, every few weeks he peppers my Linked In with requests to connect (I'm not on Facebook). I ignore. One day I accidentally accept his request with a finger swipe on my phone, bulk accepting a bunch of requests from people I don't know, plus him. I instantly start getting emails from him: I miss you. I think of you all the time, etc. I ignore ... but then one day after a bad day with my husband I reply. It starts up again and only lasts a week, it feels awful. I know too much (have been reading up on Narcissism) and I'm crying all the time. His words feel empty "I'll always love you. I'll always be attracted to you but I'll always respect your boundaries."

I have another business trip coming up to his area in the next few days. I decide not to tell him and to see how I feel when I'm there. On the next to last night I call him, I tell myself if he answers we'll talk, if not, I'm going to leave it alone. I'm letting fate decide. He answers and I say "it's me" and he cannot place my voice. He goes through a few names -- Kristy? Jen? etc. I finally tell him who I am. He is overcome with emotion, tells me he is wiping his tears. I notice that he sounds drunk, so I ask. "Of course I'm drunk I've been watching football all day!" He worked Monday - Saturday and then spent all of Sunday drinking. I have no idea how much of a drinker he is but once he told me "I don't text you or call you when I'm drunk" which I find an odd thing to say. While he is drunk he is very pleasant to talk with. He does say one chilling thing, "You're f*cking with my heart just like I'm f*cking with yours." Ouch. I was not playing games, was really feeling very tortured over the whole relationship / interaction we have, yet he admits to playing with my heart. Huge warning sign. I tell him I'm in town and could we meet up tomorrow after work for a coffee? He is so excited. I think I will finally get to see him again, it's been 4 months since I met him on the plane, we haven't seen each other again, I will finally see the man who's been living in my phone and on my mind, even during the 3 months we didn't speak.

I see him after work the next day, we meet at the mall near my hotel and decide on getting a beer instead of a coffee. He is extremely hung over, does not remember our phone conversation from the night before. Said he couldn't remember where he parked his car when he drove home from the bar. Oh my god, I think to myself, he is a drunk driver. He was plastered and driving around? He looks horrible: bloated, overweight, greasy. He is not the hunky guy I remembered from our plane ride. We talk for an hour and I am feeling very firmly that I am not interested. Glad I saw him again to close the door. He is still pursuing me, trying to touch me, hold my hand. Tells me he wants to be my prince, etc. He tells me some things over and over that he doesn't remember telling me before. I see that he clearly has a script that he sticks to and sometimes uses it too much. While I'm with him, I don't feel attracted to him, I feel let down. We part and I feel like this is good closure. He was a big disappointment, did not live up to my fantasy healthy dream guy. When I get home from my trip, I call him and tell him I can't be friends with him anymore. I say goodbye and tell him to forget me and let me forget him.

6 months go by. The NC is so much easier this time around. I do not "do the work" or process my feelings, but I read up on narcissism, look at the forum, make sense of everything in my brain, but not my heart. This is where the danger lies.

At one point I do a little internet stalking (which I know is still considered contact) and find a post he's made on craigslist, looking for a female friend. He says he would like to find someone who can understand bipolar issues and challenges, someone to go on walks with, go to museums, etc. Nothing intense, nothing deep. I know it is him from his description and his writing style. I feel so frustrated that he would tell a total stranger he is bipolar and not tell me. When I look back, I see that he was manic when I met him. Totally over the top gregarious, pushy, aggressive, cocky, etc. The next interactions he was more subdued, depressed, shy. It explains to me how he was electric and hot when I met him on the plane, then cold and clammy and uninteresting when I saw him 4 months later in person. I think the alcohol is also a factor.

When he hoovers after 6 months, I am annoyed, what a jerk. But 2 weeks go by and his Linked In request just sits there, he seeps back into my brain (also continuing to go through a hard time with my husband). I wonder about him, what is he up to. Is he moving here? (something he mentioned the last time we talked). I feel like he has some message for me. I break no contact and email him back.

Turns out he got sober. He stopped drinking. Got healthy. He knows he was in bad shape when I saw him, wants to see me now that he is doing good. Says he is coming to my area in a few months. Stay in touch. We proceed to email and occasionally talk on the phone over the next few months until his visit. It feels different this time. I am not as invested, I feel more distant. He is not as over the top, intense, coming on strong. It feels watered down and honestly this feels better. He's not saying things like "I can't stop thinking about you!!!" that used to scare me.

I find out he has been drunk for 20 years. He binge drinks (12 microbrews, wow) then recovers for 2 days, then binges, then recovers. This has been his main activity for 20 years. I asked him why he got sober, was there some reason, did something happen? He said he didn't want to be that guy on the barstool anymore, wanted more from his life, etc. Another time I ask him he says his dad was visiting and he got really drunk after a football game and his dad started crying, was going to send him to rehab. So he got sober because his dad intervened. He talks to his dad every day.

He makes plans to go on a 2 week vacation. The first weekend he will be in my area, then he will go home to where his dad/family live 2 states away. I am feeling really nervous about this ... but I feel under his spell, kind of going along the motions, not thinking too hard about what this means or anything. My husband and kids will be out of town for a week on a trip, so the timing is unbelievably perfect, since I so rarely have time to myself.

So now he is sober, but is doing it himself, not going to AA, not doing any work on himself. By the time I see him, he had been sober 4 months. I would best describe him as a dry drunk. He was depressed, out of it, spacey, poor hygiene, lazy, etc. I thought we would do all these fun activities, like hiking and paddle boarding. Every activity we did involved sitting. He says he surfs every day, goes to the gym, etc. but he didn't want to exercise when he was here. I was so frustrated and had to go out and get exercise on my own, because I can't just sit around all day.

We did some fun stuff, went to a baseball game, went to dinner, listened to music, but a big portion of the weekend was helping him with errands related to this car he bought. He bought a car off craigslist almost a year ago. It has been here in my area and he was just now getting to it. Had to pick it up from the repair shop, take it for new tires, get it washed, etc. Almost the whole first day was errands. Very boring for me. He said he usually does all this stuff by himself. Usually when he travels, he does things alone. He was very appreciative that I was taking him around, showing him around, making fun plans.

We stayed in a hotel that he had selected. When I had given him suggestions, they were too pricey for him, and suggested we would save that for our honeymoon. I got upset at that and he said, I don't want to break up anyone's marriage. What, am I gonna come save you on my white horse? I made a comment about not being foolish enough to try to domesticate him, knew that was not possible. He said, many have tried. In our conversations he would say that he is slowing down, wants to find a partner. I told him he liked the hunting and gathering, but he said he hated it. I don't think that is true. He needs it to survive! He says confusing things about his life like "I like being alone, I prefer it." and "I'm tired of being alone."

For all the sexual innuendos and I'm gonna do this to you, I'm gonna do that, he was pretty sexless when he got here. He was not affectionate or touchy. If I reached out to touch him he would shy away or withdraw. It was very bizarre and confusing. The first night he got here really really late and we just stayed up talking. We kissed a little bit, but it wasn't amazing. He didn't seem that into it. We just snuggled and fell asleep.

The next day we ran errands all day, then went to the hotel to nap before going out since we stayed up half the night talking. We were snuggling and I had to initiate sex. I turned to him and started kissing him. I saw his eyes snap open and he looked at me like a predator, then started his moves. It was the most bizarre experience I've ever had. He was running the show, I was just a tool or a piece of equipment. I am used to being more involved and going back and forth, but there was not room for that. He directed everything. He was in a big hurry, too. Couldn't really enjoy it because it was all so rushed. He was not concerned with my pleasure, didn't really even look at me. For all his questions about my body parts over the past year, what I looked like, what I liked, he just pounded away and kind of ignored me. I felt like he was running on a treadmill at the gym and I was the treadmill. I never want to feel that way again. He was technically good at what he was doing, but there was no intimacy, no connection. I felt like I could have been anyone. He went on and on over the last year about our connection and then in the most intimate act, I didn't feel it. I felt really alone.

When it was over, I asked if he was happy, finally got what he wanted. He had this worried look on his face, I'm worried about your situation. What if I got you pregnant? (I'm on the pill and he used a condom, so not too likely). He went on and on about this. Then started worrying about the phone bill. What if your husband looks at the phone bill, oh no the phone bill, then went on and one about that. I kept trying to calm him down, but he was really wrapped up in this catastrophic thinking.

He told me he hadn't had sex in a long long time, couldn't remember the last time. I found this odd since he has his little collection of girls that he texts, etc. but then I realized I think he just keeps it light and superficial and distant and doesn't actually meet in person. Or if he does, just does other sexual stuff. He keeps people at arms' length as much as possible. He told me I wasn't a conquest. Then said, I chased you for a year. Hmm, that doesn't add up. He told me his libido was down and he was really worried about it. He had mentioned it earlier in the day too. I think it is from the drinking. The drinking gives him the confidence to be aggressive sexually and now that he is sober, he doesn't have his mojo or confidence or even interest.

We got dressed and went out to dinner. He was tortured by wanting to order a beer. He said he was going to have a drink on his vacation and I said, well, just don't do it with me. He was about to visit his dad next and had been sober 100 days, I said don't go to your dad having broken your stretch. He was a mixture of aloof and kind/loving. It was weird. Still wouldn't hold my hand or anything. Recoiled from my touch. So weird. Went back to hotel and talked and talked, then went to sleep. We never had sex again.

The next day I woke up early and snuck out, went home to shower, exercise, etc. We decided to go to a baseball game. I went back to hotel to meet him and tried to start something up sexually with him. He was like no, no, no, I have to shave. Let's go. Not now, later. He was blowing me off, because it never happened later either. Had fun at the baseball game, but he was kind of distant and in the clouds. He kept telling me sad stories about his past -- drinking and girls, cheating, stupid things he did while drunk, injuries he sustained, etc. Telling me if he was drinking he would be double fisting beers, one in each hand, etc. I was feeling overwhelmed by his sad stories, feeling like I couldn't hear one more sad story. He told me there were so many things in his past he regrets.

When we got back to the hotel I told him I was going to go home and not stay the last night with him. He wasn't upset at all, do whatever makes you comfortable. I said I had to get my head in the game and get ready for work the next day.

We just laid down and talked for awhile. It was clear we wouldn't be having sex again and I asked why. He launched into a big speech about how what goes on between 2 adults is their business, but it affects the kids and the kids feel like it is their fault, not fair to the kids. He also said he has a conscience now that he isn't drinking, he is thinking clearly for the first time in a long time. Said it felt good physically to be with me, but not emotionally. He said, I do have some shred of a soul. You can still get out of this with your life intact. If we go into a full blown affair, someone will see you, you'll get caught. Get out now while you can. It seemed like he was actually giving me a warning, didn't want to repeat some plays from his past. He has been with married women before, I thought he was the right person to have an affair with because of his low morals, etc. But what do you know, he changed?!

We were saying goodbye and I said good luck with your job interviews (he was going to interview with 2 companies in my area, was talking about moving here). He looked panicked and said "I can't say goodbye forever right now!" and I was confused, I'm not doing that, just saying good luck the next 2 days with your interviews and driving home to your dad, etc. He sat on the bed and held his head "I'm just so stressed, I can't handle this." then he looked at me, I don't want anything heavy. I said, I don't either! I have enough on my plate! I just want fun and easy.

It was sad, but we said goodbye. I could have stayed another night with him, but just didn't want to. I felt exhausted from feeling rejected by him and putting up with his scrambled egg brain and weird thinking. Also, it felt really bad to feel rejected by the very man who was supposed to be my lover! After feeling rejected/unwanted in my marriage, now I have this man who lured me for over a year with promises of sex and connection, etc. and is unable or unwilling to deliver. He said at one point as he was turning me down, this is isn't a game. I told him it felt like a game. Who knows what the truth is, I bet he doesn't even know. He built me up and then let me down. In hindsight, I'm glad there wasn't more sex and that it was disappointing. I would be way worse off if it was great and felt connected, etc. It was just a huge disappointment.

Next day I dropped his hat off at the hotel at the front desk on my way to work, texted him quick and let him know his hat was there, didn't want to see him. He said thank you so much for the weekend, he had so much fun with everything we did. He then texted me intermittently as he drove home to see his dad and family, 2 states away. Each time, he was sure to thank me again and told me he had so much fun. When he got to his dad's home, he let me know, then I didn't hear anything again.

5 days later, I emailed him, how are you? Having a good rest of your vacation? He sounded depressed, said he guessed so, was just relaxing. He asked if I missed him, I said yes, you? He said yes, call me. We then had the strangest conversation I've ever had. He said, what are you doing, just sitting around being melancholy? I wasn't, I was with my kids, in a great mood. I think he was projecting. Then he said, you didn't have any fun at the baseball game. I said, of course I did, I had a great time! Again, maybe projecting? It was so weird. He was baiting me, telling me what I was thinking and feeling and was wrong, getting me to react. He said, did you ever calm down? You were so worked up, ready to go off like popcorn! I felt like this was making fun of me, since he was the one who worked me up over the last year, then didn't want me. He wanted to know if I saw someone else after him. I said no, I was just worked up for you, but at least now we know what we are and what we aren't, it's a relief. He said again that he didn't want anything heavy. I said, me neither! He talked about the things we didn't do during our weekend, regrets that we didn't order more oysters, go into the city, etc. etc. I was so frustrated listening to his regrets, instead of being appreciative of what we did do. It was crazy making. One thing he said was "There is a long list of women who hate me." I feel like he was subtly telling me it was time to put me on that list. We chit chatted about a few other things. I had to get off the phone and so we said goodbye. And then I never heard from him again.

I'm taking this silent treatment as a gift and as the beginning of my no contact. Each time we were no contact it was me who initiated. But this time, it's him. It hurts a little bit, but I now know the empty, hollow, broken man he is. I saw behind the mirage, the illusion and there is nothing there, no one home. He has other girls to text and play with and bat around. I'm done.

In my thinking, he came into my life as a catalyst for change. I'm not going to miss this opportunity to sort myself out and figure out where to go from here. I'm not going to let him in my heart or life or mind anymore. He is not welcome. I know too much now, there is nothing there. The sex isn't there. The "friendship" isn't there. It is all empty and hollow. Gone. Never there in the first place. Just one big mind game.

If I look back at that weekend, it was exhausting and draining and I felt like I was with a hollow, not present person. Now that it is over and he has disappeared, I feel like it never happened, like it was a dream. I feel like I had a weekend with a ghost. I don't have a substantial feeling, like I do when I spend time with a true friend or loved one.

I feel shame and regret. And I feel stupid. My marriage has been and continues to be difficult. But at least I have my kids. They are the light in my life. Thanks for reading.