Duped again?!

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#1 Jul 18 - 8PM
WithKnowledgeCo...
WithKnowledgeComesPower's picture

Duped again?!

I was sexually abused as a child by 5 different people while under my biological mothers care. When under my fathers care, I was treated as a bother & told consistently that I had "no common sense" & that I dressed "like an a$$h0le". I have lived my life as a people pleaser....working hard to forget my own needs in an effort to be loved and accepted.

My first husband was my first love & my first sexual encounter. When we married, at the age of 20, he was my first....I was his 100+. My second husband was timid, caring, doting & loving. We were active duty Navy on a sea-going vessel for our first 5yrs of marriage, so we were on the water & separated 6-9m a year cumulatively. When we got to shore-duty I became pregnant as we had planned. Within 6m my best friend snuck out with another woman....and lied about where & with whom he had been. The blatant lies continued but he added to them mistreatment, anger, an argumentative & blaming nature and full-blown control. I stayed for 7 more years naively believing my best friend would return. Our family grew to include three little boys & I became the slave. I made the same pay as him & worked the same hours....yet I was solely responsible for raising our little boys & keeping up with the house & bills. I was emotionally & mentally punished for making him "babysit" his own children. I am a very positive person but the stress became overwhelming and I got on Effexor to help with the anxiety he was causing. This opened my eyes to what he was doing. I stopped pleasing him and he got scary. I locked myself in my children's room, mom on alert & phone by my side many a night. When he turned the anger on my children, & blamed me for it, I ran with my boys. It has been almost 16m since I left and he is keeping the promise he once made - to "destroy" me if I ever left.

Feeling needy and unwanted I sought out sex as a way to feel wanted. I had work with *Kevin for a few years at this point and found his confidence and perfect body very attractive. I slept with him...and his attentiveness + staring into my eyes made my heart feel cared for & like I mattered....and I felt strong feelings I didn't expect to feel. Within 6m he had given me a promise ring. There were many red flags but I made the conscience decision to ignore them in order to keep the high I felt with him. At 8m he pulled away, confusing me, blaming me, cold and uncaring. He seemed to work to put me in my place. I tried to get away but he wouldn't let me go.....chasing me, wanting me....but refusing to give himself back to me. I blocked him from everything as I was so crushed I couldn't emotionally handle what was happening. A couple weeks later he made contact and I was elated. He admitted to "someone else" but made excuses of needing to feel wanted by someone because he was jealous of how wanted I was by men. I was crushed. How did this happen?

He wanted me back but I refused to give myself to him unless he told the entire timeline of events and emotions to me. I am an analyst by trade and by nature so I had to know this in order to move past it. Finally, last month, he told me everything and I was so grateful to have him back. Two weeks passed and he was pulling away again....two weeks! Holding onto my worth I demanded he chose to treat me well or say goodbye....after much hemming & hawing - he said goodbye. The next morning he was apologetic and regretful. He told me he didn't want a relationship.....oh, but he wanted the sex. I refused and we stayed "friends" & gym partners.

Fast forward two weeks. I ask him to remove the woman he left me for from his Facebook friends. He becomes enraged, basically calling me a loser for caring about social media...but logically it didn't make sense. I FB messages her the story of "us" and she sent me their correspondence....his words of longing and desire for her while WE were still TOGETHER in a committed relationship.

The next day (yesterday) he cussed me out, called me crazy and told me to leave her alone. I realized a week ago that he was a narcissist (thanks to Lisa's website) so although I was shocked by his words to her while with me, I was not surprised.

I blocked him from everything...so he emailed my work first being nasty, then wanting to talk & work out with me....then dismissing me saying he was just leading me on knowing it was wrong. I have disconnected from al social media & have been researching. I see that I am a neurotic people pleaser & need help myself. My stomach is sick from the death of a love that did not ever exist & a future that will never be.

Hurting

Jul 19 - 9AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Yes, sounds typical

Jul 19 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
WithKnowledgeCo...
WithKnowledgeComesPower's picture

Thank you, Goldie

Jul 23 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

You would benefit immensely

Jul 22 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
Willow
Willow's picture

At the top of the page after