Beautiful Monster

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#1 Jul 2 - 10AM
shbclayton
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Beautiful Monster

On December 1, 2011, I met the most devastatingly handsome, charming gentleman I have ever met. I had seen him once before but we were in other relationships. We went to the same University but he was three years ahead of me and for some reason I never knew him although we had many mutual friends.

Within weeks he told me he was not divorced, in fact, he was still married. He was adamant that he would be divorced by April and he and his wife had been separated for years. I believed him and we even looked at rings that following February.

Things started to happen. I'm a very social person, but innocently. I flirt and had been prior to meeting him. One night during those first few months we got home from dinner in Georgetown and he started throwing things around (including me) and was screaming at me because I hugged an old friend (not boyfriend) and didn't introduce him properly. He was drunk and wanted to leave and I ran after him and he grabbed my wrists and threw me to the ground. I had bruises on my wrists from then until May 2013. This would repeat over and over and I would take him back. He broke furniture, put dents in my walls, and broke me.

In May 2013 he broke up with me-via text-after leaving after another one of these fights. I lost it. I was going insane if not there already. I said I couldn't live without him and was sorry for talking to another guy at the bar. Said he was my only love and I would make it up to him. He said I would never change and had to leave me. I said I couldn't go on and hung up.

I cried for a long time, then looked at the picture of my three kids and got in the shower and decided I needed to go on and go to work, for my kids. When I got out of the shower, I put on my bathrobe and the doorbell rang. I thought it was MB so I looked out the window and my heart was beating so fast with excitement...he still wanted me! It was the police. Two cruisers and an ambulance. He had called 911 and said he thought a friend may be suicidal and sent them to my house.

I answered the door and assured them I was okay, and I needed to get to work. At that time, my ex-husband (a narcissist in his own way-I guess there is a pattern) was walking up the steps to get our dog for the weekend. He saw the police and asked me what was going on. I asked them all to come in and we would clear all of it up. I told my ex that MB and I had gotten in an fight and he took my despair to mean I would kill myself and called the police. He assured the police that he had known me for over a decade and knows I would never take my life. I had to fill out paperwork and wanted to get the police out asap. I wanted to find MB! Then as the officers were leaving the female officer saw my wrists. I also had cuts and bruises on one knee. I started to cry and my ex got with the other officer. He had had a PI watching the house because he had heard that MB had a drug problem and had video of him pushing me down on the lawn and other altercations. The female officer took photos of bruises all over my body from where I would land when he would throw me.

I filed a TPO and my ex said if I didn't appear in court to file the permanent PO he would take the kids. And he would have been able to do so. I filed, and went to court for the permanent one the next week. In the meantime, I was aching for MB and he was reaching out to me, so apologetic and sounding so sad, that I agreed to meet with him. He convinced me to retract the PO and we filed something with an attorney that said he just wouldn't be around the kids and my ex took it.

Going back...in October 2012 a tree fell on my house during a storm and I had to stay with him while my kids stayed with their dad. One afternoon my mobile rang and it was his wife. She said that in light of the fact that she and MB were in the process of reconciliation and getting their family back together she would appreciate it if I did not stay with him. I hung up and was shaking so violently...he came into the room and convinced me that she is crazy and there is no reconciliation. I should have run then. I didn't.

There were more reconciliation attempts, and maybe other women, prostitutes, I don't know. He was insanely jealous and when we were both on Facebook I had to have our photos prominently displayed at the top of my page or he would go into a rage. If I didn't tag myself in a photo of us he would call me in the middle of the night telling me to tag myself. He would stay up all night doing coke going through my Facebook page then call me and tell me to defriend other men.

Throughout all of this, I heard the following lines over and over:

We are one.

I have never been like this with anyone in my life.

I love you unconditionally and eternally.

No one knows you better than I do.

You physically abused me, you know. Everyone knows.

You will never be able to commit.

You will always have this flawed character. Always have to flirt with men. Just like your mom.

I will love you forever and ever and ever and ever...

I believed it all. He would be getting a divorce in six months, six months would pass and there was always a reason. So many times he broke his promise to get a divorce or even an attorney. Christmases, birthdays, anniversaries went by and when opening my gifts he would say that he had something for me but it was being engraved or whatever and I would never see a thing.

I've blocked him but he manages to get through sometimes. His wife and I are actually friends now and support each other. She still can't get a divorce because he has left her destitute with four kids (cars impounded and they just got evicted because he won't pay the rent). And, he does the same thing to us both: when we find a little strength to decline an invitation to get together with him, he lashes out in such a way that it destroys any self-esteem we have left and makes us feel as if we need him for some reason. But we text each other when this happens. I still feel so much pain. It's almost unbearable.

There is so much more. I am beside myself. I was going to marry him. He proposed to me three times. While still married. He has no money, the IRS is after him. No driver's license (I used to drive him everywhere). No car now-and his kids aren't going to college because he hasn't paid for it. He makes over $200K. Who knows where the money is going. I lent him thousands and got most back.

And my kids...they went through hell when I was in that dark place when I was hiding bruises and numbing the pain with alcohol. I'm so much better now in that regard but I hurt constantly. I just can't make it go away. And friends wouldn't talk to me-my own sister wouldn't see me-and I still wouldn't listen. I was brainwashed. I see that now. I'm still hurt and cry all of the time. All of the time.

Jul 11 - 8PM
shbclayton
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I fell again...God help me I don't know why

Jul 12 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
Used
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shbclayton

Jul 12 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
talktothehand
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shb

Jul 12 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
ItsFinallytime
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j

Jul 2 - 12PM
spinning
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dear shb,

spinning