Ready to change

It’s hard to know where to start. I guess, actually, I know I have my ex-narc to thank for opening my eyes to see that I have been surrounded by narcs from the day I was born. My mother is a narc and I think my father was one too – he died when I was seven. I know my brother is a sociopath and one of my older sisters is a narc as well. I think my other sister has a PD. I’m certain that I am co-dependant. But the family of origin stuff can wait for now.

I know I have dodged a major bullet. I liked this extremely charming, popular and ultra good looking guy for a few years. We are involved with the same spiritual teacher but never really associated with each other. I never approached him or told him though, as I just felt there was no way he would ever want me. I could see that he always had lots of females around him. I would see him a few times a year, often in another country.

Then one year, he started to like me. The first time he sat down next to me, he was quite nervous. One of the females that liked him walked past and motioned for him to come and sit with her but he laughed and said to a male friend across the table – “I like women.” Red flag – right. But I was so flattered that the most popular guy was taking an interest in me, that I swept the comment aside. After I while, I started to get the feeling that something was not right with him, as he seemed to avoid intimacy. Then a bunch of us went away to a coastal resort. We had been travelling around the area on mopeds all day but then I wanted to spend a few hours on my own in the afternoon. When he got back to where we were staying, I asked him how was the afternoon? He snapped at me and said something like, “I didn’t even notice that you weren’t there.” I just looked at him dumbfounded and he walked away but never apologized.

If I spoke to another guy he would get really jealous. A mutual male friend that I had known for many years turned up and we were all hanging out. Somehow, narc got it in his head that I like our mutual friend. Narc stopped sitting with me and gave me the silent treatment and began sitting with another female. I was devastated. Our mutual friend came and spoke to me to check how I felt about him and of course I said that I just saw him as a friend. Mutual friend communicated this to narc and he was all remorse, though he never apologized.

It was so confusing. I thought he was just scared and that if I was patient and understanding his fear would evaporate. As time went on I noticed that he started to focus on other women. He would do the same thing that he did to me at first, sitting nearby and listening into my conversations, giving them eye contact. I thought he was just a flirt, as he told his friends how much he was in love with me, though he never told me outright.

Then we went travelling together with a large group of people. Again, he would get really jealous if I spoke to another guy – or he would get really angry and give me the silent treatment if I was not glued to his side. Then other times he would get annoyed if I asked him for something. I was perplexed because at first, he was so focused on me, and so adoring, and I had loved the attention. I thought I was probably the first female that had given him ‘space’. I gently confronted him about what had been happening and about ten minutes later, I watched him with my own eyes walk straight toward this female (OW) that had been pursing him for several years. She had asked him out but he turned her down. He then seemed to realize that it was me he wanted and I gave him another chance. The OW was very smug though, I would walk past her and she would laugh at me. Or I would turn around and she would be staring at me with a smirk on her face.

Yet again, when I did not read his mind over something, he started pursuing this OW again. I thought, he’s just letting his fear get in the way, so I tried to talk to him once again. He looked at me and said across the table, “my heart lies to me.” He then got up and walked away, shaking his head with a look of distain on his face. The next few days after that, he had nothing to do with me. One morning I looked up and he was staring at me from across the room (this was at a public event) with such deep hatred in his eyes, shaking his head. He was hanging out with OW too. But then again - he realized it was me he wanted and he was remorseful!!! Then fate took a kindly hand and I went to stay with family in another country and have not been in his company ever since. He sent me a Facebook friend request early this year, which I accepted. There was nothing from him for a week – so I sent him a message. He said it was so nice to hear from you etc. But when I never mentioned anything about going back to his country, he stopped all contact. Then a photo of him with a bunch of people, with lots of females, pops up on his Facebook page. I deactivated my account the next day.

Every so often I would reactivate to see what he was doing. I saw a photo of him with another female – the one that he had blown-off for me that very first time he sat next to me. I freaked out and added him on another social media platform. He never added me back. I deactivated that account today.

I did a lot of reading when I went to stay with family in another country and realized that he has NPD. I actually starting reading about it before he sent the Facebook friend request but I was obviously still not ready to move on. I know I have God to thank for removing this man from my life. He had told his friends that he wanted to marry me. I am fortunate that we reside in different countries, which makes NC easy. However, we share the same spiritual beliefs and I will be spending time around him in the future and I am worried about how to handle him. I know he has been running a smear campaign against me. And I know he is now with the OW - the one that would laugh at me, and sneer at me.

My intention is to heal so I stop attracting narcs into my life. I look around me – so many people who I thought were my friends are narcs. I have worked with a lot of narcs. Now I understand why I have felt subtly put-down by many people in my life. It’s what I knew as a child – so it has felt normal.