Fumbling through this
What was your intentions when getting married ? Was it to prove to people you weren't defunct and someone was capable of loving you ? A box ticking exercise to prove to people you are at the place in life you should be at your age?
What was your intentions in telling me that the marriage wasn't over when you first broke the news you didn't know how you felt anymore ? Was it to keep me around long enough while you locked in your new boyfriend ? God forbid you should spend a few weeks alone.
Is this what you call fumbling through this ?
I told you I may have depression and as I expected you took that as an insult to you, decided it looked bad on you to be with someone who had a problem you might have to deal with. One week later you had made the easy decision to cut me loose and move on with no regard. 2 years I toyed with telling you about it and my gut feeling proved right.
Taking a major interest in your appearance all of a sudden.
Splashing out on clothes
Hiding your phone 24/7, taking it to the bathroom.
Playing a song about sex over and over every morning before going into work to meet a guy you were sleeping with.
Waxing all the time and using my electric razor
Asking me how you looked prior to going into work to see the guy.
Leaving me at the beach with my friends from to go meet him, telling me your stomach was dodgy, you know I saw you looking at his pictures prior to leaving in the car.
No doubt the night of our anniversary you were in the office with him having a few wines, but you felt it was ok for me to pick you up. I could always tell when you saw him bc what followed was you taking out the rage you had for yourself on me.
Remember that you left by the bed for a week hoping I'd read it ? I didn't read it . It was explained to me that it was left there for my intention and it would contain things meant to upset me.
Lying to me about where you stayed the next morning, at a friends house in ?
Telling me the whole time you needed space. All you wanted was to not look at me while you tried to reel him In because, god forbid you may have the slightest conscious about it.
Sending me to stay in and never once asking how I was feeling there
Going to and never once telling me how things were going.
Deciding both together that you wouldn't go to the house in again, only to go there that very weekend and stay the night, your excuse ? I don't like being told what to do. I never told you what to do , we both agreed you wouldn't go there.
Also when I suggested it was just you and the guy there, you took great pride in being able to tell me, no it's not just the two of us, you wouldn't mention other guys name though would ya, bc that is who you were having the affair with !
Thanks for telling me all about the joke he made in work regarding your boss by the way, very funny. Pretty sure he was in the bed beside you when you answered the phone to me that morning, did you take great pleasure in asking me when I was going to see my psychologist that day ?
When you got caught out, I packed your bags to stay at your parents, what was your response ? I'm not leaving, you're leaving ! If you don't I'll call the police and tell them you put your hands on me ! Off you went to your parents only when it dawned on me at that very point that the only way to talk to you was like i would to a child and make out that you were getting something out of this.
Now the icing on the cake, thank you iphone finder ! 2am where are you? Down the lane way with that guy in his car. I drive down to you, see you with him, and what do you do, drive off switch cars with another man and decide to lie to me that you never saw me, your a real classy girl. Again what was your response ? Do I need to call the police on you ?
The next morning you wouldn't even have the decency to tell me you slept with him and had done prior, just that you kissed him, you don't think that sounds awfully like something a 15 yr old would say ?
Makes me wonder why you never stayed at his house, is he married ? Or probably just a girlfriend, that would be better I suppose. Anyways, I may just have to call Into him and make sure his other half knows I will be sure to pass on your address and phone number, you might also want to mention to him, the only reason I didn't absolutely bury him 6ft under is due to the relief that the madness had all fallen into place and I was finally free to move on.
I feel sorry for him, although he will prob just get his bit out of this and discard you as soon as he sees how nuts you are, my fault in all this is being too much of an empath, however considering he is banging a married woman I doubt he has that problem.
All the while this was going on, to make sure your plan didn't fall through you keep giving me that little bit of hope that we were going to work things out, pulling me back in when you felt me getting away. Saying I love you , then not saying it the next day, kissing me, then not kissing me the next day, telling me we should do something fun, then not following it up.
Something you may not know , I found a pregnancy test in the rubbish , kind of coincides with you telling me you don't think you can get pregnant, funnily enough a few weeks after you didn't come home that first night.
Have a read of this little article that was referred to me to deal with everything that has gone on kirsty. It will read almost like a biography for you. I don't know how your devolution played out when you were 15 but I can't imagine it was any worse than this.
These were not things you were feeling, these where emotions you couldn't feel and you know you have an issue there. Your a great method actor no doubt why you excel in sales roles. You were great at projecting your emotions on to me too, " I don't think you can relax has two emotions, angry and happy" " are you ok ( asked 24/7) " I
6 years in a relationship with you saw me develop major anxiety and major depression, when I asked you for help, you had an affair, and kicked me repeatedly when I was down. You didn't come home one night and I ended up in hospital, you decided not to come how another 4 nights. I can only see that as an attempt to get me to commit suicide.
I suppose all the warning were there, you never ever took an responsibility in anything you done, never could you commit to anything, every past relationship failure had nothing to do with you, you had about ten jobs in 3 years and burnt your bridges with most of them. The way you kicked out of the apartment when I first moved in, the way you discarded after she pointed out your inability to do something you didn't want to do. The way you answered the phone to your ex when I was in bed with you. I'm sure it was almost identical when you answered the phone to me that morning in Your constant proclamations that you got on better with guys than girls.... You keep them around to make you feel good, exs included. The fact that your own sister almost fears you, wouldn't go to your wedding day and doesn't want to spend too much time with you speaks volumes ! Your Mam was afraid to go to with you and only decided after a heart to heart about how badly you treat her, in her words, has always done what wants to do. She knew this was over as soon as you told her how you felt.
What's next for you ? No doubt you will end up in a long term relationship now, take no responsibility for what went wrong in this relationship, fall head over heals in the first month, idealize this guy and then as soon as he ends up ill or has a problem, discard him if he hasn't done that to you before hand.
As I said before.
Don't get married, you don't know the meaning of it
Don't have kids, you are too selfish.
I don't hate you , I pity you. I pity that you can't feel exactly what love is and that really is the essence of life.