I just want this over with!

I have been married to my NH for 3 years. We have been together for nine. I was initially hesistant to marry him becuase of his "moody" behavior. I did break things off with him once prior to us getting engaged. He just kept calling, leaving threatening messages, doing drive by's etc. I did call the police when he left a voicemail stating "Good luck with DFAC's (child protective services) and I promise you, I will hurt you 10 times more than you have ever hurt me. We have no children together, but at that time my daughter was 11 years old. He had no reason to call DFAC, but said he would "make one up". I complied. I did not want my daughter being put through that for no apparent reason. Well, as I am sure you have guessed by now, I gave in with the mindset of, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. We had good times and we had bad times....really bad times. The jealousy, accusations of affairs, his ill-percieved notions, RAGES, oh my goodness, the rages. Of course everyone would ask, why do you put up with that? Just leave him. Right, easier said than done. About a month ago, I decided enough was enough and asked him for a divorce. (No way, he wasn't going to sign anything) and he definelty was NOT going to move out. If I were to leave, he would "shoot me in the face and himself in the head". I started recording our "conversations" to start a documentation trail and have proof when I filed for the divorce. Well, I did it, I retained an attorney to start the divorce proceedings and I am asking for a protective order (he was physically abusive to the extent of grabbing my arms, slapping my back ("a love tap") pinching, getting right up in my face. Nothing that would leave a mark. Therefore, I hope the Judge will grant it. He should be served with the papers any day, and I am on pins and needles in the meantime. He has no idea it is coming. (so I have found myself feeling sorry for him because he is going to be blind-sided). I am seeing a counselor once a week, only 2 sessions, but it does eliviate the not in my stomach for a brief period. I do not know what else to say right now, but I am trying to stay strong and not fall back in the trap. I am grateful I found this website and would appreciate any feedback and/or advise to help me vent,stay in control, for the wealth of knowledge contained here, and the ability to private chat "in case of emergency". Thanks again in advance. AJA