JenetteisFree's story!

First of all, let me say thank you to everyone on this site! I have been reading it since December, but was unsure about so many things at that point! But reading the forums, the blogs, the stories---everything---it's all given me such strength and tools!

So here's my story. :)

My first marriage was a 12 year marriage, 14 year relationship. I met him when I was 19, married him when I was 21. I was so young, so naive, so desperate for security. It took me a while to see the abuse that was happening, and even when I did see it, it took me three years to get out. Two beautiful children were born from that marriage.

Upon exiting that marriage, I immediately met the most amazing man! He was everything my ex was not! Passionate, hard working, generous, interested in me, admiring of me...until he wasn't. We went through our first D&D within the first month of knowing each other. I couldn't figure out what I did that was so wrong---I hadn't wanted to introduce him to my kids yet, as they were still adjusting to my divorce. But he said, "The only reason why you wouldn't want to introduce them to me is if you don't intend to stay with me for a long time." I should have paid attention to the hairs on the back of my neck and the huge red flag at that breach of my boundaries...but hindsight and all that...Anyhow, he left me on the side of the road for that one.

There were so many things that I, as a therapeutic early childhood teacher, should have paid attention to, but I ignored. "Your kids are more important than me." "You don't know how to have a good relationship." "You don't know what loyalty is." "My ex wanted sex more than I did, that's for sure." "My ex claimed I abused her." "I'm such a good person, I'd do anything for my friends." "I did nothing to deserve you treating me this way." "I'm done with you." "I could have any woman I want, but I choose you, even though you treat me like crap."

Four years of my life. Four years. I married him after two years. I left after three years, called the cops, and had him arrested for domestic violence. Came back after he found Jesus in jail. Got pregnant. At five months pregnant, found out he was cheating on me. He justified it by saying out badly I had hurt him when I had him arrested. (And no matter how many times I explained to him that his behavior the day that I had called the cops WAS threatening and abusive and that the state had arrested him, NOT me, he still says that I had him arrested.) He couldn't stop his affair with her because she was going to DIE (told me that on the day that my daddy died, and then got mad at me for not handling it nicely----I got mad at him and yelled at him.) He told me the affair was over, but not before he showed me all the ways he could take it undergound so that I would never know about it. Hehehe, yeah, he used the methods he told me about, and took it underground.

I found out when our baby was 6 weeks old that the affair was still nice and strong when his 22 year old skank sent me screen shots of his porn talk, saying she was tired of living a lie. (Ha, she's borderline herself!) I confronted him, he got defensive, said it was my fault for investigating him.

After two months of wishy washy on his part and mine, I moved out. I also dubbed him Carrot Head at this point---because I realized that he was no where close to the mythical, beautiful unicorn of reconciliation, but was instead, a donkey with a carrot duct taped to his head. He got mad, first of all, because I was "Screwing him on the weekends he had his kids---who was going to watch them while he was at work?" My suggestion of his 22 year old (we are 37, btw) watching them didn't go over very well. Then I was screwing him financially. How, I don't know, since I had been a stay at home mom with no income, and I wasn't asking for a penny from him when I left. Then I was making it harder for us to work things out, since I wasn't there. Then, he wasn't sure I could ever be the wife he needed me to be, so he wasn't going to give her up. Then, how did he know where or what I was doing, how did he know I wasn't cheating on him, since I was no longer under his roof.

He and his gf drew me into their cycles of conflict for the next three months. (November-January) I attempted no contact--he cleaned out our joint bank account. He showed up where I was staying. He threatened to take my vehicle away from me. I panicked each and every time and broke no contact.

I finally got into my own place, instead of a friend's, in February. And oh, what a corner to turn! I can't go complete no contact, as we have a child together, but I have gone limited, no emotion contact. It's soooo peaceful! He tried to hoover me back in big time this last week, saying he was trying to do the right thing by breaking up with her, and would I stand by him while he did it. He asked me to call the police because she stole money from him. He called me to see if I would get him out of jail because of her. I was able to tell him to call the police himself, and to try not to go to jail, because I would not be able to get him out, since I am the primary caregiver for our son (who he has not seen for longer than five minutes at a time since December). He emailed me numerous times, seeking supply "I'm glad you're so happy." "I know it must hurt you to hear how good I treated her, and how bad she treated me," and "I wonder where you are and if you still love me." tee hee!

I'm finally free---free of hoping that he and his gf will be miserable, free of hoping he will give me closure, free of needing the last word, free of wanting him to understand how I feel, free of trying to make sense of it all...I accept the way things are, I've learned and am learning about my role in my previous relationship and this relationship and my lack of boundaries. I am working on those boundaries, working on taking care of me and my kids, and letting my attorney handle the aspects of the divorce, so as to not have any unnecessary contact with Carrothead.

I'm in counseling, have a wonderful support network, and have finally turned some major corners. One of my biggest came just this week, when I fixed an entire meal just for myself---something that I haven't done in about 5 years. I haven't viewed myself as worthy of taking the time or effort to feed myself well---but now I know that to be a lie. And I am enjoying my life! I've accepted a date or two, and have run them past my two BFF's, whose narcometers are very strong! Our vibes and impressions matched spot on, so I am very encouraged by this! I've made it clear where my boundaries are, and holy cow, they haven't been pushed or overrun! And guess why? Because I didn't act like my boundaries were negotiable!!!!

Now, I can't wait to jump into the forums. I know that there are still rough times ahead---limited contact can be harder for me than no contact, because it's a constant weighing game---how much information about our son is necessary? Which of his questions need to be answered? Ya know?