My 6 years long journey....

I first met on ex when I was only 18. He was my first actual boyfriend and first real relationship. I thought he was absolutely perfect. He was good looking, affectionate, funny, and charming. He was always surrounded by so many people that loved him. He went out of his way to be kind towards me. He was also very intense and told me he loved me after only a week of knowing each other. I was young and naive so I believed him. He told me he was always honest and would always tell me the truth about everything regardless if it were bad or not. He would say he was a very blunt person and did not believe in telling lies. I believed him because he never his anything on the beginning everything seemed to be out in the open. Over time I began to realize that he wasn't as honest as he claimed to me. In the beginning I was showered with countless compliments and affection. He would tell me I was the most beautiful woman ever and that he loved my body. After a while the compliments stopped completely. They were replaced with constant comments about my flaws. He would make fun of me constantly while pointing out things that were wrong with me appearance. If he hurt my feelings or went too far and I got upset he would snap at me telling me I was overly sensitive and too insecure. That he couldn't even joke with me without me starting a problem. I eventually learned to take his insults. It eventually became a routine. When we were around his friends he would become extra mean and demeaning towards me. He would behave in a controlling manner and talk down to me. If I expressed my anger towards this treatment while his friends were still there he would yell and me and say disrespectful remarks. After his friends left I would try to tell him how much it bothered me that he behaved that way in front of them. He would tell me that I was crazy and that he didn't yell or curse me out therefore I didn't know what I was talking about. He would always compliment other women. Yet, I was his girlfriend and it was almost as if I was invisible towards me. I never understood why it appeared that he treated everyone around him better than he treated me. If someone around him have me a compliment he would tell them to stop because he would cause me to become conceited. After this, he began crying to me about how horrible is financial situation was. He would tell me that he was constantly struggling financially and that he barely had enough money to eat at times. He held a lot of remorse towards his family and would constantly talking badly about his mother and tell me how depressed he was because he had to live with her. After a while he began asking me for money. In the beginning I had no problem with helping him out however it became a routine. He would ask me constantly and if I didn't give it to him he would yell and scream at me. Accusing me of not caring about him. He would then go to his family and friends and talk badly about me. Portraying me like a liar just because I couldn't always get money to him when he wants it. Eventually they all began to hate me. When we moved in together he used kicking me out as a form of punishment. I moved to another state so I was far away from any family. If I didn't do what he told me to do he would forcefully kick me out. He would disrespect me and throw all of my belongings into the apartment hallway. I would cry and plead with him to allow me to stay at least until I found somewhere to go. He would decline while calling me names and telling me he wanted nothing to do with me. Sometimes this would happen at 5am or in the middle of the night. He wouldn't care if I had nowhere else to go. Once I left he would wait a few hours and call begging me to come back. Crying, and telling me that if I had just did what he told me to do he wouldn't have had to react that way. I would go back because I would think he would change because of how much he would cry and beg me to come back. After a few days he would do the same thing. Eventually it got worst and he would order me to leave and forbid me from taking my cell phone or purse. He knew I wouldn't be able to find anywhere to go and would be on the streets if I didn't have these things. He would forcefully push me and threaten to hit me if I tried to take my things. After a while he would get in my face and scream at me while balling up his fists and telling me he would hit me. If I cried it made him more upset. If that wasn't his punishment for me he would order me to sleep on the cold floor. I would ask for a blanket or pillow and he would decline. Telling me I had to sleep on the floor like the dogs. I would cry myself to sleep at times. I felt as if I was in a state or constant hell and I was afraid to leave. When I would try to leave on my own he would cry and beg me to stay at times even threatening to commit suicide. Then he would something that would make me remember why I stayed with him in the first place. Those rare moments he treated me with kindness and respect reminded me why I stayed. At times he would put me outside and walk past me as if he didn't know me. After a while I began to suspect he was cheating one. In the beginning our sex life was amazing but after a while it deteriorated completely. He never made any moves and would only have sex with me if I pleaded with him. If he was upset with me he would withhold all affection and intimacy from me. I began to feel as if maybe he was no longer attracted to me. He would tell me that wasn't the problem but how could I expect him to have sex with me if he was always upset with me. Then I discovered that he was online signing up to various dating websites and websites people go on to find casual sex partners. I confronted him in tears especially because I had never dreamed of cheating on him. The entire time we were together I had never allowed another man to touch me. He would yell at me I was insecure and just because he was on websites didn't mean he had any intention of meeting anything. That unless I actually saw him having sex with someone else I had no right to be upset. If I tried to breakup with him he would call me nonstop and manipulate me into feeling like I had no right to be upset. Then he would justify he behavior by telling me that I should realize that people get tired of waiting around for people to do what they want them to do. Yet, he would refuse to breakup with me. This only got worst with time. Instead of just dating websites I caught him contacting prostitutes on multiple occasions. Trying to arrange different times he would be able to meet them. At first I thought he was just talking to them but after a while I would notice he was getting addresses from them. At that point I felt as if I had reached my boiling point. I was behind disgusted and feared contracting a disease. When I tried to leave he cried and cried and told me he was done and decided to kill himself. After that he turned his phone off for hours. I was nervous so I decided to call his mom to check on him. Later that day he called me back and he was fine. He told me that he felt like he was sick and couldn't control himself or his impulses. He promised me that he would get help so that he would get better. I accepted this and decided to give the relationship another chance. Two days later he told me that he hated counselors and refused to see one even though he had promised me he would. He told me that sometimes he was bored and lonely but would never pursue a prostitute. I wanted so much to believe him. It was so hard seeing someone Ioved turning into someone else. I felt at times he was a completely different person. I was in a relationship with a stranger that abused me and slept with prostitutes. I felt as if my world was turning upside down. I wanted so much to help him, but after a while I realized I couldn't. I would go a few weeks without seeing him contacting prostitutes then out of nowhere he would do it again. I couldn't accept that he was deliberately doing this to hurt me so I rationalized this by telling myself that maybe he was a sex addict. Then things got worst as usual. He would contact over 20 different woman in one night. All different types of women telling me what he wanted to do with them sexually. He even went as far as to start posting nasty comments on different women's pages. At one point he posted an up close picture of a woman and man having sexy it looked like him but he said it wasn't because his face wasn't showing. I couldn't understand why he would constantly do things knowing it would hurt me. Then when I tried to leave he would cry. It he actually cared about me he wouldn't constantly hurt me. During this time he continued to bash me to his family and friends telling them that I constantly promised him things without doing them. He portrayed me like a liar so when his friends and family would see him abusing me emotionally they would justify his actions. In everyone's eyes I was the problem. I began to believe that maybe I was the problem. During one time when we were in the car together trying to find an apartment he flew into a rage because I had lost the address. He demanded I stop the car and when I did he grabbed my phone knowing I was using it for the GpS and left. It was in the middle of the night and I was in a strange city by myself without any idea how to get home. Thank God, my father had forgotten his gps in my car. The threats got worst and more and more did he come close to hitting me. He would punch multiple holes into the walls telling me I made him so angry at times he felt like killing me. On the inside I felt like I was dying. I was trapped with no way out. More and more I saw him talking to other girls. Every single time he would deny it. Eventually it got worst and he started talking to transvestites to meet with to have sex. We already had two kids by this time and I did not know how to leave. I didn't want them to get hurt or find out who their father was. Then out of nowhere he began acting colder than usual towards me. He barely called and wouldn't pick up if I called. Then when he did finally speak to me he told me that he needed space and time to get himself together and that he couldn't be with me, that maybe in the future we could be together again. I couldn't understand where this was coming from. Just a few days prior he refused to allow me to leave and now he as leaving me. He was extra nice when telling me this and told me he would always love me. I was heartbroken especially because I had taken so much from him and in the end he left me. A few days later I found out that he had left me because he had met someone new. After they got together he failed to contact this kids at all for 4 months. My daughters birthday went past and she did not get even a phone call from him. After 4 months and after the girl breaking up with him he went out of his way to contact me and to tell me he wanted so badly to be a good father. He told me he missed me and started sending me lyrics to songs. After a while we got back together and things were perfect. I felt like he was the same guy I had fallen in love with when I was 18. He asked me to marry him and had a new job where he was working hard. During this time he became homeless because he had been evicted and told me he wanted is to get a place together. Only problem was he did nothing to help me get the place. He felt like it was my job to take care of the kids and ensure he was taken care of as well. I struggled for months to save money for all of us to move while he spent all his money drinking, prostitutes, and buying clothes. He got his income tax and spent it all on himself. If I asked him for help with the kids he claimed he was broke. Yet, he had absolutely no bills besides his phone bill. So months went buy and he cried to all his friends and family blaming me for him still being homeless. Telling them that I didn't care about him. They started to hate me even more. I ended up getting pregnant again and he begged me to keep the baby. Shortly after I discovered that he had cheated on me with a prostitute he had met at the bar. One night we were supposed to meet to hang out and he cancelled on me telling me he wanted to go see his uncle. I later found out that he had been with her. I spoke to the girl and she told me everything. How he had lied and told her we had split up and that he lived in his own house. She told me that they had already been intimate with each other. I called him immediately after and told him that I was done and I didn't want him to call me anymore. He didn't protest and left me alone for a few days. After that the nonstop calls started and threatening text messages. When that didn't work he attempted to be nice but still refused to admit his wrongs. He told me that it was my fault and that I had caused him to cheat on me because I was always accusing him. I never accused him without seeing something strange but he never felt like I ever had a reason to be upset with him. Then he resorted to telling me that he would make sure to take the kids away from me. Eventually I broke down and spoke to him. He cried and told me how much he loved me and how much he wanted just to grow old with me and to be a family. I cried because deep down that's what I wanted too. I was beginning to realize that my fantasy would never happen with him. Regardless of where we went it always came back to the same thing. I was the one that ended up hurt, always me. My heart had been broken so many times I began to feel numb inside. Waking up was a task and I hated myself for getting pregnant. I felt guilty for not wanting the baby but I knew what kind of father he would have to grow up with. I began to try to remember who I was prior to the relationship. It had been so long since I had known true happiness. Even when things seemed to be going okay I dreaded what might be just around the corner for me. So again I made a mistake and took him back. Then of course things were great then again out of nowhere he became cold towards me. He stopped calling and would only text once in a blue for the kids. At this point I was around 5 months pregnant. I was emotional and couldn't understand what was happening. Then I saw him post pictures of him and the new girl and pictures of him going to her house. Again, I was discarded. I cried and cried and hated myself for again allowing him to hurt me. At first he left me alone then a few days later he started calling again. Blaming me for us breaking up and telling me that if I wanted him back I needed to make sure he had an apartment and the money I had inherited. Only this time I refused to budge. I told him I didn't owe him anything and asked him to stop calling and only text about the kids. He refused to accept my boundaries and kept calling. Sometimes he would act like he wanted to be with me again other times he would act distant and become disrespectful to me all over again.