My Story Libi
My Story Libi
I met my ex/partner after 5 years another abusive controlling relationship.I thought I learned how not to get back in tow with someone who wanted to control and absorb my very being. Threw myself into counselling and got qualified and exorcised my own demons in the process. I thought I knew about the wrong ones who were emotional vampires and that was never ever going to happen to me again, At the end of that relationship i was exhausted and invisible...all consumed . No family no friends and my life was like a photograh where I once was smiling only to find I was rubbed out of all existance and replaced by a new model. I achieved everything I ever wanted to., Qualified doing the job I always dreamed of...helping others in trouble through addictions. I am damn good at my job and get great feedback from colleagues and clients. I have 3 children which I have mostly brought up on my own with successes and failures along the way. Good times bad times like most ordinary normal families do. I met my ex/current(?) partner who showed me a world I only dreamed of. Soul mate. How many of us have felt that way? Loving, giving pedestal bestowed. I gave in and gave him everything he needed. Even in the begining he told me how awful he had been treated by his exes. He was a “Martyr” to his own life and the world was against him. He fed me with love, presents and of course the most wonderful physical relationship id ever known. He even grew up near me and told me we could have/should have met before then. If so all would have been great and we would have lived a long a fruitful life together. Now whatI havent said is that I knew he had a partner...but they were only “friends”, The promise of if all.Well we could could/ should be be together. There was the hook!! Oh how he changed once we shared the “L” word. He had never said that more comfortably with anyone else other than me! (or so he said)And I felt special. Why? Because he mirrored exactly how I felt. Id never shared this closeness or bond with anyone in my entire life before or experienced the depth of feeling. He of course said the same. I remember him thanking me for the longest orgasm he had ever felt in his life. Cloud 9? Erm way beyond that I think! Subtle changes however crept in. I was the reason he got upset. I was aggressive (when in reality) I was reacting to his anger or misdirected rage. I was to blame for messing up our holidays by not appeasing him. I was stupid/aggressive/alcoholic/mad/insincere/bad driver/ not listening to his very good advice/ bad mother etc etc the list goes on just to justify his critisicm or anger or frustration because I had a mind of my own. A mind I questioned. My grown up girsl were concerned. They never liked him nor did my mum, or sister who also had experenced his abuse disguised as humour!! One thing that stands out for me just now is the fact all his exes were “mad” “bitches” “only out to get him”. Also let me explain...all I know about him is the world that we “live” in. I was never allowed to ask what he was doing in a general sense when we werent together (as most people in a normal relationship do..through interest and whatever)...I was made to feel I was the “Inquisition” with an agenda so I only ever knew our life together. What he did and with whom was never discussed no matter how innocent or deceitful. I learned to accept this. Like so many things I learned to accept and become immune to. I finally lost it and decided to leave over a very minor arguement but one too many but now find myself broken, lost, obsessed and really hoping I can get through this without returning to a horrbilble pattern of abuse just beacuse I dont have the closure that Us normal people need to accept and move on. I tried...threw out a “friendship” olive branch just to be abused and accused once again for not my wrong doing but his again which I was responsible. Thing I really struggle with here is how it sounds plausible? And how Im ready to accept the blame again? Just to relieve the pain of not being in the madness! But thankfully I have read the book and see the dawn and can relate to so much. I will continue to re-read this book and hopefully learn to start a new love affair with myself. Love me for my good points and of course my faults...for which I am so acutely aware of at this time as have had them told over and over again by my ex but will embrace as my power as I now see it was his achilles heel and my strength. His abhorrence as it went against his code..but my hercules...
Blessed be to all of you who are in recovery. We will survive.
In the book quotes were made from lots of intellectuals and musicians alike but I would like to share the song which moves me and inspires me and its “Unwrittten” by Natasha Beddingfield...feel the rain on your skin!! Xoxo
Ps as you are all probably aware theres a thousand stories behind this summary which were horrendously abusive which led me to this site, downloading the book and looking for my closure and ultimate recovery.