My Story Blossoming
My Story Blossoming
I have been with a N for 30 years separated for 6 months. I am just now beginning to understand what is wrong with him and that he is thoroughly incapable of changing or even understanding that he has a problem...He still manages to confuse me, to make me feel that it is my fault that he wants a divorce, that I didn't give him a choice. I am just beginning to get that he is incapable of love, that I am just sick that I have spent the last several months begging him to go to therapy to "fix" our problems. We are not fixable, as there was never a "we".
He claims that he gave me a life, a life I wouldn't have but for him. So often I went to him to beg him to make me a priority, I knew I just wasn't, but I stayed. I had three rapid fire children in 4 years. I spent 20 years as a SAHM. I truly felt trapped because of the kids, I knew he would leave if I called him out, so I withdrew, I became silent, I would not complain about how he spent "his" money, but we lived check to check no matter how much he made...which at times was quite a bit. I went to work 10 years ago, but not at a typical 9-5 job, it is in sales and commission only, so my income is irregular, and I felt it difficult to leave even after I went to work, even then I could not save money as there was always some great bargain or super deal that he just had to have. His "Supply" was not other women, but things and lots of them, and high end items, he never seemed to have enough. I was never good enough, there was always tweaking to be done. When we sold our home and went our seperate ways, I spent a month packing it up. He watched TV. The day I was moving to my new place I complained that he had not helped me pack, he yelled that he would be back the next day to help me move all the things HE provided me, essentially negating the fact that I worked full time the last 10 years bringing in more than 40K per year. He tells me that I am a negative person, and he is a happy guy everybody tells him what a great guy he is. But even now he is pushing friends of years and years away apparently they are calling him out and he is done with them. A N to the nth degree.
I sent him a letter, a long letter laying out how he made me feel about myself over the years, describing how he ignored me, never making me and my wants a priority, he told me that I had it all wrong. He never sent me a response as it was too mean, he called my letter abusive. In rereading my letter I see that I am describing a narcissist. I really thought we could work things out through therapy, he will never go back...he went once. He tells my kids(adults now) that therapy ruined his marriage, he tells his friends that I was the one that refused to go back that I didn't believe in it.
What attracted him to me in college was a strong independent women, who did not wait for him when he was late for our first date, he was buying a shirt so he would look good "for me". I wasn't going to be late for kickoff, shockingly he showed up. That was when I became his need for his "supply" All the while he was courting his previous GF. We were both his supply. I should have run then....
Fast forward to today, he wants to work out our divorce ourselves, it has been a battle every step of the way, we hired a mediator, we have been to once, he refuses to go back until we have worked it all out ourselves, because of the expense. He tried to hug me after the time at the mediator. I finally laid the law and told he he cannot hug me, that I am not in the same place as he is, he is so angry with me that I will not feed his supply with a hug when we are done meeting about divorce issues, its CRAZY to me that he needs to hug me in those times...but it is the N in him. I am emotionally drained for 48 hours after I meet with him, he threatens to take a job outside of the country if I push for more than what he is offering me. Tells me how lucky I am that he didn't move me to another state 2 years ago and then divorce me, to a state where there are no community property laws....The abuse continues. I know he his trying to get out of alimony, as he refused to provide his most current paystub, he just took a job that provided him a $25/hour pay raise, with a guarantee of 25 more hours than he told me he would get. We are still married, not even legally separated, merely living apart. I am going to feed his supply requirement one more time this week, then I am likely going to hire a lawyer, and go into no contact mode.