My Goodbye Letter
I'm sitting here thinking of what I would say if you were standing in front of me....
At the beginning of our time together – You were too good to be true. I remember saying to my friends, “I really want this to work out with this guy...he is amazing.” Three weeks later and after I had actually met you, my heart was broken for the first time and I was discarded like a used piece of trash. I remember crying and having you get all your cruel comments in while you tried to pick me apart at my very core. Your daughter told you what an idiot you were and you came to town to win me back. Your charm, smile, arrogance and determination sucked me in like a couple doing the Tango. And I made the choice to dance with you.
During the course of our time together (I refrain from using the word relationship on purpose) I always had the feeling something wasn't right. A gut feeling so strong I could never ignore that it was there. It nagged at me. It tormented me. Things you said, your actions, your life... It didn't add up. I never trusted you more than 50%. We fought and made up weekly. And in your true form you twisted, pointed, blamed and renamed me. But I kept digging...something told me to keep digging. All the time keeping my guard up....my protectors working overtime to keep me safe. You made out pretty good. Weekends in San Diego at 5* Hotels, paid for on my credit card, a new truck radio, dinners and clothing. I figure around $4-5K. That's not too bad of a take.
Nearing the end of our time together you must have become extremely frustrated with me. The arguments and lack of control over me was probably becoming annoying. I fought you at almost every step. By this time my focus had shifted to obsession with discovering what I knew was to be true....and I wanted to prove it. To who? Maybe me, maybe you, maybe my protectors inside me. So I kept digging. You begged me to stop. You pleaded with me to tell you what you needed to do so that I would believe you. You tried to make me feel like I was the crazy, jealous, obsessed one....and, you know what? I was. I became the opposite of what I know myself to be. I was becoming what you wanted me to be. Controlled, manipulated and confused. A second guesser, unsure of herself and reliant on you. Still....I kept digging. My survival instincts were in full force.
Now our time together has ended – I found the evidence and confronted you with it. Even though you knew your game had ended you still tried to blame me for your actions. As you put my keys back into my hand (which I will forever see as the keys to getting my life back), you turned to me and said “I want you to remember this moment, right here, right now. You did this!” Guess what. YOUR FUCKING RIGHT I DID!!! I defeated you and got my life back. I only lost 6 months and $4-5K!!! That is AWESOME compared to what other victims go through and what could have happened!!!! That moment was a victory for me. Immediately the nagging feeling in my gut passed and I relaxed....I did it! I survived you. I never cried, I never asked you to stay, I watched you leave with a great sense of peace. The days of you are done. And already you have begun your search for your next set of victims to fill the void I left.
A great friend of mine told me:
Knowing when to walk away, is wisdom
Being able to, is courage.
Walking away with your head held high is DIGNITY.
You see, I am all the things you wish you could be. I am good, kind, sexy, smart, compassionate, vulnerable when I need to be, feeling, loving, capable of feeling emotion, secure and happy. But mostly, I am whole. I am not a sick, perverted, empty, fake, cheating liar. Every day I am faced with my own mortality...and there is so much more to this life for me.....than you. My head is high and I am not looking back. My future holds all the great things I deserve...and you are no where in sight.
So...I'm good. Deuces~