My story Thunderho

You know what really kills me- is all the questions I have. Could I have done things differently and had a better result? My 21 year old Eastern European girlfriend went home to University, and gradually things changed. She had hit me twice during arguments when we were together, but I put that down to her parents violent relationship which she witnessed growing up. Her mother was domineering and her father was an alcoholic. She spent much time alone as a kid. After returning home she was still calling me declaring love, and saying that I was her everything- that no one had ever been so good to her.

You will all hate me after this story probably- I hate myself just thinking about what I'm going to tell you. I am a married 37 year old man with 2 young kids. My wife is wonderful, but we stopped communicating, and I felt very isolated and alone. We have had 10 or 11 aupairs over the last few years, and we have had normal good relations with all of them. This time was different. This girl arrived and seemed nothing special. I actually was dissapointed, because she seemed immature and lazy. However, she quickly got close to me, and her personality hooked me. Then she started by asking me how I slept last night, and saying that I would sleep better if she gave me a goodnight kiss. Each day it became more.........I am ashamed. I honestly thought that my marriage was over, and by the time she was going home - I even considered leaving my family to start a new life with her. She made me feel so alive. She was fun, and sweet, and it became like a drug. I had to spend as much of my free time as possible with her. I would drive faster going home from work- just to have a few alone minutes with her before my wife would arrive. It wasn't only about the physical part. She was like my best friend. Nobody understood me like her- I felt that I had known her forever. She had only one boyfriend before, and had not had sex with him, so I don't think she had much experience with mind games. My wife hated that we were so close, but did not discover the full extend of the relationship. When the girl was leaving, she was crying and asked me to book a ticket for her to come back for a weekend soon.

We settled into a long distance relationship, and I had booked the ticket for her to visit during her midterm break. Maybe I scared her by becoming too serious, and talking about a future together. I was never pushy- I thought that she wanted that stability with me too. After a few weeks she started to take longer to answer messages, and made me feel needy- even though I'm really not like that! If I called her on it- she would say that it's my 'fault' and that I 'don't understand her life', or I 'should stop creating drama!'
I gave her the opportunity to end the relationship when I felt that she was no longer interested, and she said 'stop saying that- if I want to end it - I will.'
Eventually she did. She cried on the phone and said that she knew I would leave her now, and that I was very important to her. I said that we could still be like before- Skyping and messaging. I felt that she needed re assurance that I would be always there for her after such a tough home environment, so like a fool I said 'I love you , I'm always going to be here for you- it's ok!' I was heartbroken, but I'm in my late 30's, and so I've been there before. I really cared about her, and I had enjoyed her company so much that I accepted friendship as a happy 2nd prize. I was her first lover, and I thought that in some way I would always be special to her lol!

I thought that we would become great friends like before, now that the 'relationship drama' was out of the way. However- she still took days between messages. I told her that I wanted her to come and see me as a 'friend' - as the ticket was already booked. She said she would try. She told me that her nosey mother would need to believe that she was coming here for the weekend to babysit- so she told me to send a message from my wifes Facebook account- pretending to ask her to come. I hated doing this, and it was very dangerous, and now I realise that it was probably just some little power play that she was getting off on. She strung me along for weeks, and then at the last minute didn't come- saying that she still felt the same for me, and that she shouldn't have to prove anything by coming, and that if I loved her I wouldn't need her to come. I felt like I was being played with, so I unfriended her on Facebook, and she went crazy SHOUTING at me through messages. I could feel the rage. She said ' I always knew you would run- You're not a real friend- you didn't even try. I always knew it would happen this way' (I tried to be friends- She was the one who would not answer messages within a reasonable time frame?) I did not reply. One week later, she messaged again saying that she knew that she had hurt me, but she was upset- because she had a great time with me, and now had nothing. I didn't get this, because she chose this.

Three weeks passed, and I decided to re-establish contact because I missed her. I was remembering the good times. She ignored me at first, and then said ' I don't want you to get so close' and 'you hurt me more than anyone - I have a lot of scars from you.' I didn't really know what I had done, but I apologised and told her that she had hurt me, and I needed a little time to get over that. She decided that she couldn't be friends now , but that she would contact me when ready. I sent a few messages to which she seemed happy to reply. Then she took offence when she realised that I didn't remember that she had bought a tshift for my son, and she said ' I don't even know what we are doing now.' I told her not to be negative, and that if she didn't want to be friends- there was no need to reply..... And so there was Silence.

Three weeks later on my birthday I received ' I know I was rude not to answer before, so I don't want to be more rude - Happy Birthday - I hope you have a good one.' I played it cool and replied ' thanks- you weren't rude. It's ok if you don' want to be friends.'

I heard nothing more, and blocked her messages a few days ago. She was quite shy and introverted at the start, and she has blossomed, but I think she is more of a 'covert' Narcissist. I believe she has not been with another guy since. She has made some new friends at University, but I really think that is all so far. Is she a Narc- or AM I? She definetely would say I'm the bad guy. Seperate to that- I know I made huge mistakes with my family, but could I have handled the relationship better and had a successful outcome, or was this inevitable? Why did she want to be friends, and then 3 weeks later- she needed time?

I have started to put all of my energy back into my marriage and family, but I can't get her out of my head. Did I ever have a chance with her? I want to here from her so badly. I know I'm pathetic.

Sorry if I'm boring
thank you all