My story Taking Back Me
My story Taking Back Me
This will be the first time I feel like I will be sharing my feelings with those who truly understand.
I met my ex almost 3 years ago. He showed me his "craziness" 1 month in to our relationship. He was drunk and went on an angry tirade about something so stupid... yelling, name calling, door slamming. I remember thinking.....what just happened here? Somethings off.
I chalked it up to drunkenness.
Every month...like clockwork.. he would go on an angry tirade and leave me. Typically consisting of "I'm never talking to you again you f'ng (insert every bad name you can call a woman here)!" "You're f'ng crazy!" And the screaming would go on anywhere from 5 minutes to a couple hours. A few times I locked myself in the bathroom and cried on the floor while he yelled. Sometimes when I would go away and cry...I could hear him watching TV or going about his business...as if I weren't in immense pain. Every neighbor I've had in the past 2.5 years had come up to me at some point and asked if I was OK...that they'd heard a man screaming in the night. It was humiliating.
He would always abandon me after these episodes. Usually ignoring me for days. I would be devastated...reading article upon article trying to figure out what OUR issue was and how I could fix it.
He would come back...saying he missed me and never loved anyone this much and then we were back into honeymoon. At first I tried to get him to communicate how painful this cycle was, but he could NEVER have a conversation about our problems. He acted bothered and would tell me I didn't listen to him and would get angry and sarcastic...and straight into another fight. After the first year it was easier to let it go.
The abandonment every month turned into every week. I loss complete control over myself. I had no self respect. I wanted so badly the man who was there during the good times, that I was willing to cycle through like this forever. I just thought he had an anger problem.
A couple months ago, in a honeymoon phase he asked me to go to a party with some of his family. This honeymoon consisted of future planning, finding an apartment he wanted us to live in together...
A couple days before the party we argued about something stupid. I had so much inner resentment built up at this point I would just get angry back and tell him to go ahead and go!
Little did I know...this time was it. He met his OW at the party I didn't go to (I found out weeks later). During these weeks it was different...I knew something changed. He was adamant we were never going to get back together-but in a very nice and polite way. I felt guilt for how I handled the argument and punished myself for it. Thinking I drove him off. What I didnt know was he was already in a new relationship. After 2.5 years together. It took him 3 days to find her.
When I found out I was a wreck. I did some reading online and came across NPD. It was like the pieces fell together. I always felt used. For money, sex, a party buddy. He was never there for me when I needed him most..abandoning me at times I needed his love and support. But always sure to ask me for money or for his possessions left behind.
I contacted him because I needed him to know...that I knew about her...that I know now he never loved me...that it was all fake. He said of course it was all real and I was making this up to cope with the loss. He told me I was hurting him by saying all of this and that he loved me, wasn't really over me...that a relationship found him and he was just trying to move on.
He took her places he was to take me, made food, bought flowers. He replaced my body with another.
I've been trying to stay NC. No talking since that conversation a few weeks ago. But I looked at her social media page and it brought me back down to start. Doing the same fun things with her as me....most a new person.
I deleted most of his family from FB (they meant the world to me) and have one sister in law I've stayed friends with. I adore her. We could always talk...she knew about the problems I had and I knew about hers. But I think I need to delete her too...its too close to him. Which breaks my heart.
I wonder...do I tell her why I'm doing it? I already wonder if the rest of the family thinks I did it to be a bitch (also breaks my heart)...when I just did it to help myself move on.