My Story Peacefulme

Greetings! I have been in the background of this site for a long time now. On July 23rd of this year I left my N of 5 years. All the wonderful souls on this site and the straightforward approach to recovery gave me the strength to finally shut down the relationship that stole so many years of my life. I am so very grateful to all of you.

So why post my story now? Because it is time to give this process life, and share my journey. All the typical crap scenarios and manipulation happened and the N had me hooked for too long. Last summer I came to the understanding that it was time to own my life and take responsibility for showing up year after year, painful discard after painful discard. So I have. It hasn't been easy but after 5 months my head is more clear and I'm spending time exploring all the ways I was primed for this situation. Therapy, reading, goal setting and this site have helped so much to discover all the pain and fear I was hiding behind. The N was simply a cruel distraction from myself.

Now, I'm finding the pattern of being in relationship with people who don't care about me or respect my boundaries in places that surprise me. I've lost the N and several other people who faded away when I started recovery. Perhaps this is to be expected. Nonetheless I grieve the losses and celebrate the new people who have entered.

I'm hopeful yet still struggle on some days with NC. I'm more connected to the emotional unavailability of my parents, the backwash of my first marriage (to a N) and how I too have avoided intimacy. It makes me sad. This year I'm dedicated to showing up and taking risks that are healthy. That should be cool! It is also time to move my career forward, something I neglected over the years. Scary but good. Again, thank you to the Mods and all those in recovery. Hunter, Spinning and Goldie your work is life changing for people. I am changed forever.

Cheers to healing and finding our own way! Happy New Year!