My Story 9641dharma

I had been widowed from a great marriage, dated here and there, but had not been attracted to anyone since my husband's death in 2005.

Mutual male friends thought we would be a good match since Mike's wife of 25 years left him for another man. Mike played the victim well. Sparks flew when we met, and I thought I saw his "beautiful soul". This was 3 1/2 years ago.

He could not get enough of me and would turn up at my office (I had just opened a private counseling practice) and would want to be together constantly. Presents, movies, etc. He wasn't a rich guy: but he was a very lazy worker. His friends were impressed that he would visit me in the city from his sterile suburban neighborhood. His ex-wife was surprised that he would take me to movies and do social things. His sister asked Mike's cousin, "Does she know how mean he can be?" and the women in the family were always concerned for my welfare. None of my friends liked him. He was the definition of boorish.

Yahoo ... me and my big heart thought she could help this guy love himself. I looked for all the good and ignored all the bad.

The worst bad? Before we had sex, I asked him if he was clean. He said he'd been married for 25 years and was clean. With reckless abandon, we had a lot of sex. Then i had these strange infections in the summer of 2010. He didn't say a thing, until the third infection, when he let on that he had had an affair and that woman complained of infections, too. I should have left then. So many red flags. Then he admitted he'd had an affair with a lady up the street and would play "kissy face" with others. And he had no remorse.

Meanwhile, his two adult daughters pilloried their mother for leaving the family and daddy dearest was the saintly victim. The one adult daughter was the family parent: the other daughter a narcissist like her dad who would tell people she slept with her dad. They also had this strange ritual of biting each other. Their relationship creeped me out. She fawned over him, stroking his hair, the inside of his thigh. The fact that I would call them on it was insane. I had been a victim of sexual abuse and was in an awful fog around them.

Oh, and he had had lymphoma ... another victim card. Poor Mike ... his wife left him and she was not a good nursewife either.

By all accounts of friends and relatives, he treated his ex-wife like a dog. No physical abuse: abundant emotional, social, psychological abuse. A lot of withholding. He would not do things with her.

RED FLAGS. RED FLAGS. RED FLAGS.

Shortly after beginning the relationship, I knew it was not good. Yet I persisted. He needed to be loved more. I make myself sick thinking about it.

Christmas 2010 my sister died. My first herpes outbreak. On my way to pick up my daughter for the funeral, he pulls in the driveway with his two daughters looking very happy .... no condolences. He was supposed to come by for a visit earlier in the day to give me support. HAH! My vagina is full of blisters: he gives no support, and then is upset that I am not cordial to him and his daughters. I wasn't mean: my daughter was waiting. He did come to the funeral and his booming voice could be heard all over the reception.

Days later we talk about the herpes. "Oh, yeah, Bonnie was really pissed when I gave it to her, too." Why didn't I drop him then? No apologies to me. I take great care of my health: don't drink, smoke, etc. I do yoga and exercise and eat well. I am a woman alone and my health means everything. To this day, he doesn't think he needs to tell future lovers that he has herpes. No big deal.

For some reason, I stay with him. Through the deaths of both of his parents, his divorce, his retirement, his parenting his adult daughters, his daughter's wedding .... blah, blah, blah. I broke it off several times, only to have him show up (or have his parentified daughter who lives out of state try to patch things up).

Mike is a withholder. I learned not to express wants or desires because for sure those things would not happen.

Two of my birthdays. When I told him my birthday was coming up, his response: Tell somebody who cares. Another birthday: Let's go out for ice cream. No, I'm on a diet. (He ate ice cream every day. Next day he calls: Guess where I am? At ___ having an ice cream cone.)

Our couple life was nil because he didn't like my friends and I never met his.

Oh, I helped throw a big 60th birthday party for him: catered it with the help of his daughter. He'd talk about the party with his daughters and friends, but when I wanted to talk about the party afterwards: silence.

His silent treatment was pervasive, and I didn't identify it until this forum. I would ask him a question or raise a subject interesting to me: met with silence from him. I learned to accept it.

Supported him and helped the family with a big at home wedding shower for his daughter. Spent money and took time off work for the shower and the wedding. Ignored at the wedding. And actually punished later: I sat on his lap (although neither of us drink, the wedding was full of loose kids and adults drinking) in front of his ex-wife and friend. How weird, he said. We had a half a dance together, and he said we couldn't dance together well. Never had a problem slow dancing with anyone else.

On his facebook, never would post a picture of me. Always listed as single.

He lied about things he didn't need to lie about. Interesting, when making an attempt to get back together once, he said, "I'm a good boy." I said Mike, you had affairs and are unapologetic and untruthful with your daughters, letting your ex-wife take the blame of breaking up the family. "I didn't have affairs," he replies. "Mike, you told me about at least two longterms affairs." "Oh, I shouldn't tell you anything." Then again, last spring returning from Florida. He had met up with a woman he'd had an affair with and her husband. Me: Isn't that the woman you had an affair with? Him: No, I never had an affair. Me: Mike, you told me you had an affair with her.

In my marriage and past relationships, I never suspected any one of cheating and wasn't jealous. I don't mind if a man looks at a woman (not leers, but notices). Mike always leered and always accused me of being jealous.

Mike's lessons from e calling him on various lies was that he should never tell me anything.

Liars lie. Cheaters cheat.

Wouldn't include me at parties or gatherings of friends despite my consternation.

We didn't meet on any level: he is a man of no character; and I am known for my character. I am known for my big heart and kindness and intellect and generosity.

Each month, his investment got progressively worse. Never helped me with my home despite promises. But we'd do projects at his. Fewer and fewer dates. I'd go to his house, cook and hang out and have sex if he wanted. Always on his terms. Even handholding, only on his terms. I told him I liked physical affection (handholding, etc.): bad information to give him because then it would only happen if he was feeling generous.

Told me I was the best lover. He could find nothing wrong about me. Good listener, good go-with-the-flow girl, good cook, cute, kind, generous.

He never gave me a card for birthdays or holidays. Worst present giver of all times, too.

Put-downs of my friends were par for the course. Actually, he never had anything nice to say about anyone, including his daughters.

When we first met, he said he loved to walk. I'd ask him repeatedly to go on walks with me. Maybe 4 in 3 1/2 years. Yet, he would always make sure he pointed out to me what he was doing with his daughters or on his own, "Guess what we're doing?" You guessed it, on a walk.

He basically raped me twice. Did I say anything? No. Looking back on our sexual life, it was as has been written here: objectified. His orgasm would be from masturbation. There was little give and take: I knew how to please him. I make myself sick thinking about it. It was his release of anxiety and bid for power. He'd say things like, "See what I made you do?"

I could never ask him what he was doing. Always secretive. I couldn't understand since my life was an open book.

I had made arrangements to take him out to nice restaurants to celebrate life events of his: both times he showed up looking like a street bum. Unshaven. Crumpled clothes. This is a man who loves a good appearance.

There is so much more, which I will add to. But the best part is is that now I have my freedom!!! Fortunately for me, because I had voiced mild displeasure about once again not being included in a party, he gave me the silent treatment for two days. Best thing he ever did. On the morning of Day 3, I knew he'd be away from home: I left work, returned the very few things he had here and picked up the very few things I had at his house; returned Christmas orchestra tickets; blocked him from most of my electronic devices (finished up later). A voicemail sneaked by on Wednesday night, "Hey, haven't heard from you ....." Sent an e-mail telling him no more contact." OVER on my terms! Finally!

For the past years, I have journaled. And for the past year, I have been very mindful of his actions, my reactions. The journaling around the relationship was a huge benefit. So much fog and dis-ease with him. I was able to see how I'd relapse and get pulled back in. Currently, I am engaged in EMDR therapy to resolve the traumas in my life (thought I had done so much therapy, but the limbic system holds the traumas, and I was in a state of constant retraumitization with Mike) and energy work for balancing. My friends continue to support me and are relieved that this relationship is over. I am able to be quiet or be with friends.