Merry Christmas!! Back after going back for more

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#1 Dec 25 - 12AM
freefromjail
freefromjail's picture

Merry Christmas!! Back after going back for more

Hi everyone,

I'm back after being on here for a longgg time, going back and forth. Almost registering for a one on one session and bowing out with excuses, and I just thought I was ready but I went back for more N! I'm ashamed, yet in a way I think I'm a glutton for punishment and needed to finally see what everyone else was seeing. It took a while to step outside of myself to fully grasp it. Now, there is no other way of looking at it except for what it was. I'm ashamed at myself but at the same time after witnessing and going through the crap longer, I'm glad. Glad that I fully know now that it was not me, not about me and that I am no different from anyone that he had or will have in his grasp. I'm sure there will be down time where I will question myself but in the end with all the circular form of events that kept me hanging on I know deep down inside it wasn't me.

I have been coming on to read, but haven't logged in or posted and am really happy to see many of you doing so well. Very inspired and hopeful.

I have come a long way as far as learning and really desensitizing myself in the past year or so and I hope to continue to do so.

I'm not going to post about it now bc I feel like a broken record and silly for this being my third attempt. (And with God's help my last) of ridding myself of this addictive disease.

What I did do however, and I'm not sure if this is crazy of me or not, but to keep myself from trying to peek into his life, I asked him to block me on facebook. I was afraid that in a moment of weakness I would unblock and snoop. I have blocked him on my phone now as well now. I got a sarcastic "sure. have a great christmas and new year" I said thank u. That was it. Now I pray that he stays away. I have nothing left to say, I won't beg or plead bc that got old. There's only so many spins on the merry go round before you throw up and I threw up hah.

He motivated me by telling me that "nothing is ever forever with you" when I asked if he thinks we will be broken up forever (just a month or so ago). Of course he expects me to be there as his toy when he is bored. Not so much.

Thanks for reading, I hope you all are hanging in there and again, Happy Holidays to you all :)