Goodbye Part 2 - Letter to OW
Goodbye Part 2 - Letter to OW
You have won him. He’s all yours, something I know you consider a prize right now. I’m certain of this because I remember how special he once made me feel. Your parents are likely telling you that you hit the jackpot to find a man who so many qualities all at once. You feel on top of the world, ra ra ra.
He comes from a great & closely knit family, is attractive, smart and charming. You are sucked in, I know you are. I know how it feels. It’s hard to imagine that a product of his father and mother could result in who I now know him to be. It’s hard to imagine that ANY human could be like he is, but of course with rose coloured goggles on, you can’t see that that just yet. If you are like me, you will only see it once the goggles are ripped off of you by him after he has dragged you through repeating cycles of emotional hell.
Let me interject a common quote for a moment… “Things that are too good to be true usually are”.
And now let me ask, has he done/said anything to you yet that made you question this version of himself that he tries so hard to uphold? If not, it’s likely one of the first stops on the train to crazy town. He’s trying his best to hide himself from you, but that mask will come off, little by little. I promise.
I remember liking you when I met you all those years ago. I had fun with you that night at the wedding. Until the end of the night, when G told me to stay away from you, and that I should try to find other new friends (he pointed out several other people that I should go talk to instead). His reasons were because you were a sketchy person. He commented on your scandalous nature, how you prey upon men who have girlfriends, how you did that once before when he was with his last girlfriend. So interesting in hindsight, now, that he’s with you. There couldn’t have possibly been something going on prior to he and I/during he and I, could there have been? I hope you can taste the sarcasm that drips from this page.
With time, the perfection he sees in you right now will dissipate. You won’t be sure what you did wrong, but you’ll certainly dredge up any imperfection you ever thought you had and use it against yourself. He’ll push you to this or do it for you, he’ll be your enthusiastic coach to perfect self-destruction. You’ll hear stranger and more disturbing thoughts come out of him, that’s a fact. What’s scary to me is that I’m doubtful he’ll ever expose his deepest and darkest secrets about himself to you. He did that with me and it caused me to need things from him, i.e. needing him to engage and talk about the issues somewhere other than over Facebook chat. He’ll throw you a bone once in a while to let you inside of himself, likely when he’s drinking, and then avoid you / act resentful of you for days after as a direct result of his shame.
But it will be oh so worth it in your head for a very long time. After all, his checklist of good runs so long, what’s a little bit (A LOT!!!! READ THIS, A LOT) of inner turmoil, sexual identity crisis, and addiction to porn to deal with?
If he hasn’t had problems in the bedroom yet, he will. You’ll have to act in a VERY specific ways, and pleasing him “the right way” will become learned behaviour. Initiating sex is never a good idea, because you’ve pressured him and now he can’t perform. You’ll hide your needs, walk on eggshells, and try not to have a complete breakdown when he decides to “pleasure himself” while lying next to you in bed (while looking at women on TV). He’ll be enraged if you call him out on it. Since you aren’t living with him yet and live in a different city, it will take a very long time for all of this to be exposed to you. I truly do feel awful for you, because you’ll waste so much unnecessary time as he plays the game, seeing you on weekends and living his sick and twisted relationship with himself alone in his bedroom with his laptop the other 5 nights.
He’ll talk the talk and play the game like a pro. You’ll hear words of love, words of forever, words of how you are making him the happiest he has ever been. I heard all of that too. The propped me up in moments where I knew I was unhappy. But rest assure OW, it will become clear over time that you are the only one he’s telling this to after the first few months. From that point forward, he’ll start the devaluing. You’ll read/overhear/come across evidence that proves that what he says to others about you and him is not the same, not even close to what he’s told you. You’ll be terrified to dig deeper, and if you do have the courage to do so or confront him, he’ll find a clever way out of it or rage at you. He always did with me.
OW, I can’t hate you. I never will, no matter how much it all hurt me at first, and still haunts me in moments of weakness. But I can’t hate you, because I feel way too sorry for you. I’ll forever FEEL for and be compassionate for his victims.
I hope one day (and it’s sad that I’m certain that this day will come) when your vision of him comes crashing down, I hope you too can find a support forum like I have found to work through it all.