a lesbian's story

My story is the same as everyone's. Filled with pain, anger, self doubt and fear. The only difference is we were a lesbian couple married for two years. I have joined this forum not knowing if she truly has npd or if I am just trying to make sense of a senseless situation. We met 5 years ago and omg it was crazy. We were so much in love! She kept saying that it was sad because everyone else only thought they were in love-only we knew the real thing! I was successful, had a good career, home and was more than comfortable money wise. She was a receptionist at a low budget hotel, living in one room. We spent every moment together and felt that live was simply perfect. She told me about her previous relationships-how S.A. he had only ever had "crazy" women until now of course. After a short whirlwind romance my job became insecure and we needed to make some big decisions. Crazy but without a thought we put what we could in the back of the car and moved to France. All the possessions I had worked so hard for sold or given away. This is when the cracks started to show. She began over reacting to the smallest situation. Being left waiting in a q would bring about irrational and noisy protests. Driving in the car was always stressful and occasionally downright dangerous -I recall one occasion where she tried to run a cyclist off the road because he had not let her past. To this day she believes he deserved it! This is also when I saw how mean she could be to others -particularly her family. But none of this mattered, she would never treat me that way , we were perfect and the happiest day of my life was the day we married. Time past
and things were good and we moved back to the uk.but slowly something changed. I became frustrated at her moodiness which she said was my fault. I was tired of her laziness with household chores and concerned by her deep-seated belief that rules, laws and socially accepted behavior did not apply to her if it didn't meet her needs. But I still belied she was my perfect wife. I bought her expensive presents, tended to her every wish and took her on exotic holidays. I would have done anything for her. But things soon turned sour - she started wearing sexy underwear for work, much more make-up than I had ever seen her wear. She changed passwords and became secretive with her phone. I knew the signs but when challenged she would fear out. Call me a jealous suspicious cow with trust issues. We split up for a couple of months with her telling everyone she could no longer deal with mycrazy behavior! Convinced she was right - I went back to her promising I would change, after all it was just me being crazy ..right? For a week or so everything seemed perfect. I ignored the fact that she was having private calls and sneaking off to see friends without me.. we even made plans for our much longed for baby. Everything was going to be fine. Then the night before she was due at the baby clinic she told me she missed her friends and was moving to be closer to them. 300 miles away from me! She said she loved me but wasn't happy! That was when I found the love letters from her girlfriend. ..all the same expressions she had used on me. How perfect they are together and how she wished everyone could be as happy as them.so now she is gone -I made her leave straight away after an extremely violent outburst when I confronted her with the letter -apparently my finding out was justification for this -what did I expect?? I am sorry for such a long story-I don't imagine anyone will read it all but it has been useful distraction for me in the middle of the night, sleepless and checking my phone every 30seconds hoping for contact...hoping for the woman I still love (?) To be out there trying for find her way home. I loath myself for being so pathetic. Where is my self respect? I know I am so much better off without her and am not even sure what she bought to the relationship (apart from great sex of course) but I miss her and would do pretty much anything right now to stop the pain.