"No Mental Contact," Either

My breakthrough this week relates to a theme I’ve seen referenced in several contexts, here, that could be termed: “No Mental Contact” (NMC?).

For almost one year from the day I walked out on my ex’s unprovoked, alcohol-fueled rage there has been No Contact in the usual sense except for absolutely necessary times during the divorce when it was primarily through texting.

This has greatly enhanced my sense of safety and calmed my nerves considerably.

But I realize I could have minimized quite a bit of my mental and emotional angst as well by maintaining No Mental Contact, too.

As many of you can probably relate to, I have spent hours and hours over the last twelve months going over in my head and heart the particulars of the failures of my over forty-year marriage. However, I could never quite get to the bottom of what provoked him to such cruelty not only that night but on countless occasions over the years, a few of which, early on, included physical aggression, too.

I was reminded of why it was/is/would be so hard to “figure it out” on reading a scripture recently that reveals, to whit: those who harm us continually change their ways lest we find them out.

I believe their "changeable particulars" within the larger abuse pattern is a source of their power over us.

To keep another walking on eggshells emotionally and mentally by continually adjusting the script or repeating the cyclical pattern of abuse with little twists and turns here and there is an incredibly potent way to maintain control because for victims, especially empaths, we continually imagine we can somehow, some way, some day find the response that will stop the cruelty, the betrayal, the heartbreak.

However, sadly, in many cases, this serves not to assuage the other’s pain but only to give him more fuel to intensify ours.

Thus the need for a cessation of the mental “recalls” which end up being only as confusing and frustrating—not to mention emotionally draining—as the dark side of the marriage relationship itself.

Therefore: No Mental Contact, either.

I have resolved that when I am tempted to rehearse, re-hash, and re-examine the painful minutia of what went bad I will "change the topic" and say a prayer for my ex instead.

Just one.

I chose to do this even though it may be very, very difficult for a while, another "loss," a "mental divorce," you might put it...

But I also know that this, like all the other aspects of my recovery, will get easier with time.

Blessings and hope,
Abigail