Untwisting untangling

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#1 November 29, 2013 - 9:46pm
Peaceseeker
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Untwisting untangling

Goodbye goodbye we've said it hundreds of times.

Goodbye to what though? Goodbye to days spent crying trying to understand what had happened to analyse things to make it better. That's the problem - I have been so busy cheering on your recovery, your pains, your growth that I completely and utterly lost myself.

I spent so much time effort and money and for that you told me I was obsessive and crazy. You took my compassion, my desire to work through problems, my kindness, my empathy and twisted it beyond recognition so that in your eyes, and the eyes if your friends and family that you lied to about me I am crazy, obsessive with this "attachment problem". I hate the way you used that term after I told you about my childhood - my mother with mental health issues how you used that to try and hurt me, anything I told you in trust and openness you, at some point used to attack me. I told you about my struggles with abuse memories and my early explorations into sexuality - when angry you called me a whore related to that, said you couldn't trust me because if my past. You took the fact that I gave you so much time and love as a "pressure" you accused me of pressuring you and not listening to the fact that you were trying to walk away. It's true I did email you a lot after you manipulated me :( - you would ignore me for days for no reason knowing that all I needed was a simple reassurance. If you knew what could SUPPORT me why didn't you do it?

I have realised now - because you simply are not capable of truly thinking about someone else. You told me time and time again how sorry you are but yet you still end up doing the same things. You are obsessed with needing me to "accept" my "50%" . You are in a program for emotional abuse and have admitted lying, manipulating, raging but yet you still insist that I was obsessive and that you have not been "this bad" with other people. Still you find ways to wheedle out it makes me so angry you admit emotionally abiding me but then you tell me I have emotional problems.

And I want do badly to see the best in you to move on sending you love peace and happiness - and I WILL but I need to tell you I am HURT I am ANGRY and I am DISAPPOINTED that you lied to people about me. Being with you was like having to agree to a version of myself that simply is NOT TRUE. I saw myself through your eyes - an untrustworthy, ugly, game playing whore but that was NEVER who I was. I have made mistakes in my life but my trur friends and family know that I am Kind honest gentle encouraging. How dare you try and destroy everything that is good in me? How dare you take my time, energy, love, support and tell me I pressured you. How dare you keep trying to get back into my heart as you have for the last 2 months telling me you miss me and are sorry but as soon as I am a little open saying goodbye again. I want NOTHiNG from you anymore because how can I trust someone who is still lying.

And if I remind myself of all the things - threatening to send (non existent) photos of me to my family and on the Internet, you had a knife at one point thinking it was funny to scare me , telling me you wanted to kill me and your friend because I stayed on the floor in his room in your shared house because I was scared you would be violent towards me. If I see that clearly I am glad we didn't have a child - you said you wanted to have a child with me, but I'm so grateful we didn't.

It's time for me to get myself back, to put all my creativity energy and love back into those in my life who truly love me, support me , accept me. I lost too much but I know God will restore and I know the only truth in your poisoned words was that everything you said about me was more about you.

November 30, 2013 - 4:43pm
layla2727
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Hi Peaceseeker, I am new

December 1, 2013 - 10:25am (Reply to #2)
Peaceseeker
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Hi LaylaThanks for your