Eight years went to nothing…

I met my N soon to be N-husband in 2006. During the time I was an international student working as a nanny here in the States. Our first year of relationship I thought he was the most wonderful man in the world. At the moment we met, we were very lonely… and the relationship was just perfect for both of us… During the first months he mentioned a past relationship which I thought was really odd… he was very hurtful about his ex-girlfriend and many times he mentioned how much he hated her and did not want to talk with this woman. After a few months he mentioned things about their relationship such as she was 6 years than him, he met her immediately after his first divorce and she was married at the time… In my mind I knew it was strange that he, who morals standards were too high, was involved with a married woman. However, I accepted the situation and was hoping to help him move on… few months later I realized they had communication, after he told me this was a person he did not want to know about it… During the time I made my complaints but I was treated as if I was a very jealous person ad that everything was innocent… Not having any family in here, I decided to believe him; at the end he was with me all the time and showed so much attention to me…
We dated for almost four years before getting married. I lived with him for a couple of months, because he was trying to help me to safe money for my school. At the beginning I wanted to live on my own and he used to tell me if I lived on my own I would never be able to make it. He completely convinced me I had to live with him in order to make it. Months before we married, we separated for five-month period… during the time he met a lady in his class and decided to pursue a relationship with her… of course she was only playing and he came back to me saying he was so sorry, that he did not put all the effort to be with her because he realized he truly loved me… At the time of the separation his argument amount me making it on my own changed, encouraging me to leave because I was a strong person… I was so confused because I realized at that time that he changed his arguments according on what was convenient for him at the moment. I did not think much about it but I decided to give him a second chance and get back to him.
In August 2009, we decided to get married. During the time of our marriage, I had gotten my education and started getting better jobs than him… I always felt he was jealous of me because I was crushing his self-esteem by growing professionally… The last two years have been extremely difficult for both of us… 2011 he lost his job and his N personality started to be even more powerful. I was supporting the home and the only thing he complained was about how unsupportive I was with his job situation. I used to get home to be with him because I knew how depressed he was… I encouraged him to apply for jobs, to find a hobby, to look for something that will make him happy, at the end I had the means to keep supporting us… as a response I got I was not understanding, I was not a good listener, and several times I got that I was a very bad wife… it felt I could not do anything right for him… I assumed it was stress and tried to put it aside… In addition to that, we had phone calls from his ex… I felt in there as there was something I did not understand… she called to ask him about our marriage, because she was going to get married and needed his advice… after that, she called to say she decided not to get married… he loved each time she called and this caused a lot of problem on our relationship… he always said I was a very jealous person who did not understand the meaning of a truth friendship… he mentioned in several occasions if he cut communication with her she was going to stalk him (as she had done in the past) and that he needed to talk with her for the good of our relationship or she will become worst… I had never believed that, but I accepted.
This year our relationship was becoming worst, he picked on me for everything… once I got a ticket and was yelled about how irresponsible I was and how I did not care for us as a family… I started getting afraid of him, I felt everything about me bothered him… it was constant complaining about myself…things such as I am gaining too much weight, I snore too much, I am too independent, I never recognize my mistakes, I was irresponsible and careless, I do not love him… in several arguments I said to him “maybe if I am not here you will miss me and realize things are not that way” or “I cannot do this anymore”… in the back of my mind I knew I was under psychological abuse. I told him about it, and of course he said I exaggerated and misinterpreted his words… usually he said this because English is my second language. During arguments, I ended apologizing, even not knowing why… sometimes I just want to stop fighting… however all this was not enough. When I apologized he always said… well I do not believe you, you will never going to change and will always make the same mistake… he even told me once he could read my mind and know my feelings and that I do not love him… By July, I told him we need to go to counseling; he was doubtful but said he wanted to work on our marriage so he will go with me… The counseling sessions made it worse because I was discovering the “truth Matthew”… he yelled at me in front of the therapist and said very hurtful things… during this time I wanted to fix everything I thought it was wrong in our relationship… so I brought up his ex-girlfriend and how secretive he was about her and how much it bothered me… I told him I wanted to cut contact with her… this obviously made him so upset, he said he and her has an emotional connection that I do not understand because I have never felt like that for no one. In my mind I thought he is my husband and for me I had an emotional connection with… the bottom line is that he refused to cut contact with her.
I decided to start counseling on our own and ask the same therapist for help. Matthew thought this was great because he said I had a psychological problem and hate men because as a teenager I did not have a good relationship with my dad, so he thought at least someone will try to fix me… The therapists brought me to reality and explained about NPD. After seeing the dynamic, the way he talked to me, how he did not accept his faults and mistakes, etc… she just said run… I was in shock, cried for several days… trying to figure it out and deny myself… when he did something nice I used to think he was not a narcissistic… however, the more I learned the more I convinced myself he was a narcissistic.
Matthew and I stopped couple’s counseling because on the way he yelled at me during therapy. The counselor said we were not ready for counseling because we did not want to change… she meant he was not doing his part… Going home was horrible, he blamed for everything because the idea of counseling was mine… this was just before our wedding anniversary… so it was just a terrible time…
I continued my visits to the therapist, I told him how important my marriage was and I do not want to leave him. In my mind he had an illness and I kept repeating my wedding vows “in illness and in health”. She proposed a plan to try to avoid the arguments and explained about support groups… but she also said I was too intelligent to let him keep using me… We talked about me being his supply source and how I can avoid that by just removing myself politely from the arguments…
I tried, I did my best… I was working very hard to make our marriage work. However, in the back of my mind I felt things were not right. I had access to his Facebook account, e-mail and phone records and I was obsessed looking for when he would do something, especially related to his ex. One day I found a very inappropriate message he sent to his ex’s cousin… I felt completely sick knowing I was working so hard on trying to work on our marriage and he was acting in that way, especially about his ex… after telling me there were not romantic feelings… Of course, he tried to pretend he was a good guy and that I was number 1 in his life. One day we were talking and said something that mislead about that conversation, so I thought I should confront him… He denied everything, then recognized his mistake and apologized. I told him I forgave him, but I knew now where his feelings were, but that I was not ready to give up on us. Two days later he came to me all upset saying he changed his mind and he believes he had not done anything wrong. He tried to put everything one me for checking his account. That is when I decided to leave him… I knew I cannot do this to myself anymore.
We decided we were going to separate to clear our thoughts. When I left I told him he needed to contact her and figure out his feelings. He told me if he did that our marriage was over. In my mind, I was taking the chance; I thought I put so much in the relationship, and that our 8 years together were going to be more meaningful to him of what I considered it was a fantasy. Of course I was forgetting he is a narcissistic and a professional liar.
Not even three weeks after I moved out, he came to me and told me he contacted her because I asked him to do that, and he realized she is the love of his live. She told him she was waiting for him all this time and that they were together in their thoughts and hearts. Even thought I was hurt, I said my goodbyes the best way I could and told him we should start the divorce process. Two days after the nice good bye, he called to let me know how all this was my fault because I made him go and look for her and that I have done enough to ruin our marriage. He requested for me to accept my mistakes because we were divorcing for my attitude, nothing related to this other woman that he confessed me he loved for the whole 8 years of our relationship.
When I went to pick up the rest of my things I found a letter he wrote confessing his feelings to her, as I mentioned before seemed she had the same feelings. I also found e-mails where he tells her to be patient that they will be together very soon. He talked in one e-mail about how he does not care about how she feels for the other person (seems she is in a relationship) because they need to focus on them. She answers him saying her situation is easier to fix, but she cannot be away from my soon to be ex-husband… In the meanwhile, I am just leaving with nothing and he still thinks I am being unfair to him. I am emotionally tired and hurt. I cannot say I love him because I am nothing in his life. It is just hard to see how I wasted 8 years of my life of giving everything with someone who did not love me and appreciate me… However, I am glad he has this other woman because he is putting all his effort onto her. He spoke so much about morals and values and knowing he is pursuing something while still married with a person who is in a relationship and she does not care… and it is the same person who was with him while she was married and cheated her husband with him…shocking!!!… but he has NPD. They both deserve each other… I just need to pick my pieces and move on with my life, that is the best revenge…