I've been married to my narc husband for just 2 years, but prior to that we've had an on and off relationship for 17 years. I thought we were destined to be together since we kept finding each other again and again. This is our 2nd marriage for both of us.
4 months ago I moved out of our new home. His verbal attacks had been increasing in frequency and intensity over time. I had a lot of built up resentment and disrespect for him. After I moved out I was told that he would bring prostitutes back to his old house every now and then, and especially if we had had a fight. I never confronted him about this as I had no evidence but it didn't surprise me. Being a Christian, I tried to follow the scripture so I left, intended as a separation, so he would hopefully see his ways and repent or at least feel remorse and sorry. Boy was that wishful thinking!
Instead he played the guilt trap and blamed me for leaving him at his lowest point, blamed me for trapping him, blamed my mother for encouraging me to leave, blamed me for having an ego and pride. I went no contact after the last of the arguments, but perhaps it was more of the silent treatment. He used to love giving me silent treatments for days to weeks, so I thought I'd give him a taste of what that's like. 2 months later he met my stepfather at the airport and told him how much he missed me and loved me and doesn't want a divorce. 1 week later he tells me he will file for a divorce.
I just said 'ok, if you think it's the right decision'. No reply.
I've been praying, but it is still very hard to let go, even when I remind myself of all the verbal and emotional abuse. I was such a doormat, so besotted with him, tried so hard to make him happy at the cost of my own happiness and health. I thought that 17 years meant something.
His family all concur he has a personality disorder and they want me to HELP him! ! I wonder what this whole journey was for. If it was meant to teach me a lesson about self esteem, it sure is a hard one and took half my life, and I still haven't gotten back on my feet.
I am now 37, alone, childless. All my friends have families, have purposeful lives. Some have problems in their marriages, sure, but at least they have kids. I feel I have nothing and it is a very, very dark and lonely place to be.