I should have known...
...From our first date that things would always be about you. You talked the entire time about yourself which I chocked up to first date nervousness, when in reality you are only capable of talking about yourself.
... That you couldn't respect me or genuinely listen to me when after our first date you were trying to convince me to have sex with you despite my multiple refusals.
... That it would always be all about you when you refused to come to my house and no matter where we were going or what we were doing, we had to meet at your house even if it wasn't the most convenient or close to where we were going.
...Being a successful sales person means you are a great talker which also means you are a great manipulater that can control the way people think, feel, and act. I can only imagine how horrible your employees feel every day working under you now that you are in a managerial role with more power and control over many people.
...That when you couldn't remember my birthday, my friends names, what I did for a living, what I love to do and am passionate about, my hate for mushrooms or any conversation we had was a sign of something unhealthy in your head. "My memory isn't great." No shit, but you also don't care to remember those things about a person you are in a relationship with.
... That you used sex and money as the only ways to show me that you care, which is completely opposite of what I value, and one of many reasons we will never connect.
... That having little to no relationship with your mother coupled with a controlling father who verbally and physically abused you (which I only gathered from meeting him and him shutting me down in conversations, in addition to one mention of him hitting you with a belt when you were a child acting out-- because you could never get that deep about your childhood with me), has completely fucked with you head to the point of you have zero empathy for other people and have so many walls built up around yourself that you can not connect with other people to have deep and meaningful relationships.
...That when you constantly were saying "I don't want to sell you on this but..." You were manipulating my mind to convince me of something so you could have control and get what you want.
...That when you asked me to uproot my life and move across the country to a city with no job and no friends, and never talked to my parents about why you asked me to move, was because you didn't care and just wanted me to continue to be a pawn in your life. "I see 'potential' here"-- what does that even mean?
...That you will always want control and never be able to be in a partnership and relationship with someone. You will do whatever it takes to get control including verbal and emotional abuse.
...That you hate yourself so much you will project the worst things about yourself onto another person that you "care" about and manipulate their mind and thoughts into believing those things. I however learned to work on and change certain behaviors to be a better well rounded person in relationships while you remained the same and continued to hate yourself and abuse the person you "care about".
... That when you never kissed me, that you were incapable of emotionally connecting with me. "Next time" you said. That never happened in over a year together.
... When I was convincing myself you were "the one" was a sign you were not "the one".
... That when we witnessed your friend yell "fuck you." To his girlfriend and you said "it's just their drama." That there was some emotional and empathetic piece missing in your head that you couldn't see how demoralizing and abusive that behavior was for a couple. But how could you see it when you were verbally and emotionally abusing me?
...That when I couldn't imagine marrying someone who's values are so different than mine and who can't even understand my values, it was over...
...That I never would like the idea of having kids with you because I knew we would always be in a power struggle and you would always have to win and be the good cop, because you can't ever be wrong.
... That when we would argue or have "conversations" and you always had to be right, and always had the last word, and always misconstrued what I said to the point of I would forget what I was trying to tell you, that you had control over me.
...That you being single in your late thirties was not too good to be true, it was that you have never confronted your demons so you can love other people in your life. You will never confront your hurt and pain and continue to damage and control those around you because of that.
...That when I felt like I was walking on eggshells and I couldn't share things with you about having a hard time with the move, that I was severely damaged by you and I was in an abusive relationship.
... When I started losing my hair, getting canker sores, not sleeping, feeling like a hollow version of myself, not finding joy in anything in my life, and crying in private (you: "i can't do emotions" "you're so sensitive" "are you going to mope around all the time?" and "why are you crying? stop crying") that I was stressed and anxious and unhappy with you to the point of depression.
... That when I was crying and bawling my eyes out to you about being unhappy and all you did was say "what's your deal? It's like you don't care or understand the pressure I'm under with work and a new house" that you would never be able to comfort me or empathize with me.
... That after having the eight hundredth conversation about what I want and need in a relationship and nothing had changed over the year and a half we were together, I should say its over.
...That you will always have something or someone to blame and never yourself.
...That when I told you this isn't working and I'm leaving you, you would continue to try to talk your way back into my life, even in the final hour as you dropped me off at the airport. I was verbally clear and even wrote down all of my reasons why I was leaving, maybe being too honest, but you never heard them because you are too self involved.
...That I would be heart broken and mind fucked over a person that can never change.
... That I will forever question if you ever cared about me, or if you only care about yourself.
... That you will never hear and understand the words on this page.
Most importantly I should have known to walk away from the very beginning when I never felt like you cared about me and I questioned if I was actually enjoying being with you. I had so much hope things would change. Finally deciding to leave was the hardest experience of my life. Goodbye.