needless to say...confused
needless to say...confused
Hi...I met a 39yr old single women, (or girl as I now believe she), is whilst on tour. We fell v.quickly....she states she fell before any real contact/conversation other than our eye contact/flirting took place. We had a passionate physical relationship whilst on a tour together, it felt just amazing that initial connection. After 3 weeks, due to prior commitments she returned home, whilst I stayed on tour for a further 3 weeks. She fell pregnant v.v.quickly...was I ensnared at this point?, I don't know. At the end of the tour, I went to her country and stayed with her for a week, as that was all the time prior commitments for me allowed. It was all such fun, escapism, fantasy, physically the connection was wonderful. Her girlfriends said...we are so happy for her, at last she has met someone, she is a straight down the line girl, don't mess with her. Although we speak different languages, everything in my mind seemed fine, the connection seemed v.good, we were in love and love was proclaimed on both sides. If apart, we texted and skyped constantly.
She decided she would abort....her decision.
On my second visit, for a few moments she noticed a slight change in me...perhaps I had bought some stress with me this time (not sure what she saw)...she cried like a child due to seeing a small change in me apparently, her friend said 'she over thinks'...personally I was so happy and thought there was no need for angst and within the next week together after consoling/reassuring her immediately, everything again seemed just beautiful. Lots of fun, adoration from both sides. I am very easy-going and saw nothing wrong at all, just perhaps some over-analysis on her part...there seemed no reason to worry...she cried again (perhaps due to hormones from within the pregnancy I thought), as her language lessons had not gone so well. Again, I was there, we talked it through, she seemed fine, although a little irrational I thought, we were v.close...we talked of the future, of me moving in, either in her small flat or maybe renting together. she would not move to my country as this would affect her career and close girlfriend support group. OK...bring it on...
She has therapy every week...as part of a support group. She has mother issues as she was controlled as a child.
Ok...'without money there is no love'...'I can live without man, but not without sex' (she had not had a stable relationship for 5 yrs)...2 quotes she gave that I clearly remember.
She spoke in a child's voice every morning whilst in bed. She liked/loved intercourse, but had trust issues with other areas of our physical relationship.
I went to her country 4 times (4 weeks in total), on holiday for 10 days and she only came to me for a weekend...was I doing the running?...well, I was going to live in her country, learn the language, so alot of that meant sense to me.
At the airport...she said, 'you didn't text much yesterday'...my response was...we are now away together for 10 days...there is/was no problem. I was so excited...
then came...'that was falling in love, we need to find real love'...
Push and pull started on her part, she seemed to believe I relied upon her...so she woke up occasionally with 'demons' (she also takes sleeping pills and grinds her teeth at night)...did the demons involve me I would ask...no she would reply, they are not your concern, tho' do not be flippant about them, I lose some of you if you are... (I was never angry or flippant...just CONFUSED)
Ok...after the holiday we seemed to have a deeper relationship/closeness...she asked if I would like to move close to her (not in with her), then in her mind her demons may go over time.
This was not what I wanted to hear, I asked if she loved me, 'what is love?' was her reply...so for her love was 'TRUST".
I gave her no reason to mistrust me...I adored her, I was not clingy...in fact...SHE WAS...right up until the day it finished!
Prior to my fourth visit, I began to feel a little insecure...no more girly texts about love and yearnings for a couple of weeks. Ok I thought, let's see how it goes. I arrive, passion is still there, fun still there, I meet her parents too...MUM...full of angst, bang right there, not for me, just full of it...
The demons came back...ok, let's delve deeper I thought..so I gave her therapy!!
'You have low self-esteem due to past relationships and you lack confidence or perhaps suffer alot from anxiety'...she cried, took a deep breath and proclaimed "I love you", "and you are a great therapist". She also was reading a novel 'The Red Couch' at the time about...THERAPY.
I looked online about commitment phobia...she went to therapy that evening, apologised on her return for the push and pull/testing stuff on holiday and for 48 hrs. seemed besotted with me again. I felt odd, wow, what a turn around...yes, she always seemed to adore me physically, but this was like the 'full' return to her former self with me.
She was so excited, she didn't want to sleep...
She woke up with demons again the day before I had to leave, (in that week, she had also stated she would like me to live with her for 3 months next yr.as a kind of trial I guess)
ok...on the last day she wore my shirt for her days teaching, she gave me a key to her flat, I told her she was the prettiest teacher in her city..."I hope so", she replied.
5 days later it was over...I finally got a straight answer about her demons (she was to write them down...at last)...she really did not want to tell me I guess...some were after all about me...what a surprise I thought!!
fear of rejection, fear of too much love (from me)...she was flustered...
She was in control of her emotions/the relationship for the last few weeks, this was clear to me...I, for the first time in months showed my frustration. "How can I TRUST you, if you cannot fully explain your demons to me?" "You told me you loved me a few days ago"..."no I didn't" she denied " and I never asked you to move in"...I ended the relationship...it was painful...so painful I neglected to ask so many questions for fear of further hurt. "How can I tell you I don't know if i love you?" she said...and turned the whole thing around to reject me!! sad but true...
like a little girl, so afraid "FEAR CONQUERED LOVE", she said...she once said 'maybe you can turn the girl in me to a woman?'...she is 39...
...anyway, where did that come from? it was a wet ending to it all.
Every day/ SHE CAME TO ME...she showed me so much affection, SHE in fact was needy/clingy. (Always the last to leave a skype conversation).
In an email a week later..."its' not your fault, I really really like you" etc...distance, language, pressure....she said. "Your heart was everywhere and nowhere"..really? I adored everything about her...if I showed too much love she didn't like it, if I wasn't there, she missed me.
2 weeks later out of the blue, she texts and said she "thinks of me often and misses many things about me, what are you up to?" (I was her most 'potent lover' too of course as she put it weeks prior.)
The ending was so confusing for me...I obsess daily, tho' it is getting easier, I often check websites for analysis purposes (self- too) and wonder what it/she was all about...I refuse to respond, hard tho' it is
thanks for reading