Still so hooked and sad, mouning the future that I thought could have been

I crossed path with my Narcissist this spring, I am a rocker, crazy about rock and punk music and he worked in the Music business, physically he was my dream guy and I couldn't believe my luck.

At first he was drowning me with compliments, about every way that I am, that I was everything he had ever dreamed of. He always used the right words, showed compassion and so much interest for my personal history.

Slightly it started to turn a bit stressful and uncomfortable, many secrets he shared while scaring me into never telling anyone while at the same time never telling me enough, keeping a savant veil of mystery about himself.disappearing for a couple of days all the time, sometimes giving me reasons, sometimes not.

Then I realized he was using psychological torture and PNL to manipulate me. Withdrawals, coming back or answering me when I was giving him the right answer. I always had to guess what he wanted, what he meant. Whenever I was going through a rough time, he was having a worse one, and then I had to comfort him, prying words out of his mouth to know what was wrong, he would then thank me, telling me he loved me, but then the next day he would come back viciously and lashing at me and I though "No good deed goes unpunished".
I had to listen to him rant about himself and his hardships for hours, never having the same chance, had to reassure him that he was special and that I did not fall for anyone else like I had for him. I had to apologize all the time whenever I dared revolt over the situation

He promised me a dream future, showing he had really seen who I was and all my insecurities and vulnerabilities were addressed ... I was so touched then.

The sex was amazing, I had never met anyone so gifted in that department before.

But of course, because of unfortunate personal circumstances, his own sob story, that he savantly set up progressively, it appeared that this future would never happen.

Whenever I dared show emotions, turmoil, disatisfaction, I was either coldly put back at my place or excuses because of his own hardship were done.

He would confuse me with horrible hints of his personal background that would at the same time horrify me and confuse me more.

When I finally told him I wanted it to be over, after another broken promise, another vanishing act when he asked me whether I thought the relationship was viable, he answered that he was so sorry the timing was wrong but that was the best solution but he absolutely wanted us to still be friends. He then continued to flirt with me, driving me crazy, coming back with more seduction but never clear.

I then found out that he was back on dating sites and when I confronted him angrily he gave me vague explanations and sensitive fake apologies. He also threatened me brutally.

He then cut all contact with me, I tried to share how lost I felt, how desperate, what a wreck I was... but never got any answer.

Thanks to all the reading I found about Narcissist, I now can refrain from making any more contact but it is so hard.

Until I found all the info on Narcissists and the way they make us feel, I thought I was crazy. I could not understand what was happening to me, first time in my life my mind was in such a state, first time in my life I lost it so bad after a relationship ended.

I am still brainwashed, have a hard time focusing on anything, when reading a message sometimes my mind goes blank and I bypass part of the information being given to me.

It is awful but I still miss him and am still grieving the fake future being dangled like a carrot in front of me.

I was not prepared for a Narcissist, never saw him coming. I am trying to put myself back together, wondering how to be whole again, how to be with anyone again.

Still so lost, bewildered and so so incredibly sad.

Thank you