He was my first kiss

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#1 Sep 11 - 10AM
Miss Brownville
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He was my first kiss

Wow - I am not alone, thank goodness for this site and all of you fellow sufferers at the hands of a "N."

He was the first boy I ever kissed so when he wrote to me as an adult, many decades later, I was intrigued. He and I share some common health issues along with our backgrounds, making it all the more compelling to communicate openly and often. Then we fell in love...

Today (over a year later), I am on day 37 of NC - yay! After his pattern of broken promises, running hot and cold, disappearing frequently (he doesn't live near me so we haven't even seen each other) and a myriad of other typical N behaviors, I decided it was time to end it so after his last disappearance of over a week I did not communicate again.

It has been hard as I know you all understand. He made me feel wonderful, loved, beautiful, etc., etc., yet he was never really available and when it came time to come and see me (his idea, a big deal for us), months into it, he got as far as four days prior to flight time before he cancelled it! I suspected he might do that and begged him to be up front with me but he made me wait until the "last minute" before coming up with what was most likely a bogus business excuse.

He emailed and called a few times after I went into NC mode and I managed to tie my hands behind my back and not respond, pick up or write. His efforts to get me to bite were impressive and I expect something else to happen any day.

We once took an online quiz together about narcissistic personalities and he scored 23 (dyed in the wool Ns score 18 or higher). I got a 5, which was amusing to us both. When I read aloud the test's description of someone with NPD, he said he didn't think he was that kind of person but of course by then I had my own suspicions, which had made me bring up the test. He later commented, "Maybe you should stay away from me." Yes. When a man tells you these sorts of things, believe him.

NC is saving me - I was consumed by his daily calls, always lasting 1-2 hours, and the daily flurry of emails. Now I have time to breathe again and am no longer a captive waiting by the phone whenever he might call, which was ridiculous and kept me boxed in every day.

Most days I feel strong and able to continue to resist responding to his last emails, but once in a while I weaken and so far have been lucky that he has not called on any of those days. I know that taking his call would be a terrible thing to do as he would then be able to go into his hoovering mode, which was always his strength.

There's so much more but that's enough for now. Thanks for being here and please know how much I appreciate the opportunity to write this to others who know what it's like to be attached to someone with NPD.