It's about the behavior, not the diagnosis, If it feels wrong, it simply is wrong.

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#1 Aug 22 - 3AM
BlueMoon
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It's about the behavior, not the diagnosis, If it feels wrong, it simply is wrong.

Hello Everyone,

I am writing after almost a four year hiatus. I joined this site when it first started and am so pleased to see how many people it is helping.

I initially joined because I was in the throws of a terribly abusive relationship...I was ripe for the picking due to my upbringing, and he was the perfect predator due to his equally horrific childhood. We were both addicted to the drama, the trauma, of extremes...having been accustomed to high cortisol spikes and crashes from being kept on the edge all our lives by dysfunction. It was absolute hell, and it literally took a scorched earth policy to get out from underneath. In order to save my life, gain control over my head that was unbelievably mindfucked, I cut off all ties and contact. all sickly 105 pounds of me, I went on an anti-depressant, began trying to eat, rehydrate, stop drinking alcohol to self-medicate the constant PTSD terror...

OMG when I think back on it...

During that time, I read all I could get my hands on about personality disorders, NPD in particular...

It was very tempting to try to diagnose him with this PD, because after all, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...

However, what I came to realize is that no one can ever know what is within someone's head and what the pathology is therein- especially an untrained person who is full-on "in it" with the intended. What I also came to realize is that it just didn't matter...if you are not being treated well, if you get nervous, a sinking feeling, experience cyclical abuse/honeymoon periods with a partner, then it is WRONG no matter what the etiology. Period.

This is the path that I now take with not only my relationship, but with everything else that I do. I trust the primal, teleological instinct of fight or flight within me...that we all have, no matter how much my mind may rationalize and say otherwise. I assert myself based upon these parameters always, because I am worth it, and if I EVER get that feeling again of being gaslit in the least, I stop it immediately and call bullshit on it without blinking an eye.

After I cut him off, my boyfriend went into intensive therapy on his own, without my knowledge. We were estranged for well over a year, during which time I also got counseling. Although it is now apparent that he is not a narc, because by very definition a true narc is incapable of change and introspection, what is true to the core is the fact that he was "surviving" by inflicting learned lessons of manipulation and mindgames that were inflicted upon him as a child. I, in turn, also only knew similar chaos, and was programmed to expect this as a staple of relationships.

But, bottom line...I don't give a flying f*ck what was wrong with him...just that I got out and reprogrammed myself to never allow it again. It took so long to climb out of this hole, that was firmly entrenched well before I ever met him. In the most ironic way, it is almost a blessing that he brought me to my knees with his crazyness, which was ultimately the catalyst for my changes, once and for all.

What I DO care about is the evidence before me and the messages I feel from my instinct. It took constant diligence and total transparency on my boyfriend's part in order to earn back my trust- something that I do not bestow lightly. Even then, he is on fair notice about what I expect, want, will give and will not tolerate and the results/consequences therein. One slip, which hasn't happened, and he is not necessary in my life anymore.

Bottom line for me, as someone who was raised by parents who certainly walked and talked like ducks but could have been a whole nother mess entirely...acting like a narc or actually being one doesn't make a difference because it all does the same damage.

If that person does the work... becomes capable of healing and is not intractable, it is up to us to look within, pay attention to our instincts, and trust ourselves implicitly before making any decisions, all with the knowledge that if they are healthy for us now, great...but if they are still unhealthy for us, for whatever reason, narc or not, we will fine with them gone.

Aug 29 - 11AM
marigold
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I like what you said about

Aug 29 - 12PM (Reply to #17)
Used
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I'm not trying to take

Aug 29 - 11AM (Reply to #16)
spinning
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absolutely, marigold,

spinning

Aug 22 - 5PM
Warrior
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Sorry BlueMoon. I've been

Aug 22 - 2PM
Goldie
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Hey blue moon

Aug 22 - 5PM (Reply to #9)
Willow
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So yes, as one of the above mentioned newbies...

Aug 23 - 8PM (Reply to #12)
ItsFinallytime
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Hi Willow. I don't think

Aug 23 - 9PM (Reply to #13)
Willow
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Thank You ItsFinallyTime

Aug 22 - 5PM (Reply to #10)
Laci423
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Willow

Aug 23 - 8AM (Reply to #11)
Willow
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Hi Laci423 and thanks for

Aug 22 - 2PM
Laci423
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So long story short...someone

Aug 22 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
Used
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WOW So miracles realy do

Aug 22 - 1PM
talktothehand
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BlueMoon

Aug 22 - 9AM
thebigpayback
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great post BUT for many

Aug 22 - 6AM
Used
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bluemoon

Aug 22 - 5AM
fefe65
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So what your saying is even

Aug 22 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
talktothehand
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Good luck