Walking away

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#1 Aug 20 - 3PM
NikkiGirl
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Walking away

After our last fight (our only real fight because I was too afraid to stand up to you), I realized there would be absolutely no point in me trying to gain closure with you. You were always going to be right, the victim, the martyr, blameless - even when the facts were regurgitated to you, the conversations were repeated, you were going to find a way to spin these or tell me I was crazy and it never happened that way.

So, I write this letter knowing that you will never see it, but the thoughts that are spinning in my head are the last pieces that are keeping me from creating my own closure with this has-been-nightmare.

It's not that I haven't thought about the good times. What makes it easy for me to override these good times is the fact that I don't think the person I was spending that time with was real. He was an actor (you and I both know you are an amazing actor, you would bask in the glow of your peformances).

Your rages started off as small incidents. They would come out of the blue, and any little thing would set you off. You would start screaming fanatically about the people who turned against you, your ex's and how you wanted several of them to 'pay' in violent ways. I remember the first time you talked about killing yourself. Your ex's would have 'made' you kill yourself because none of them would say the right thing to you. You questioned if I would say the right thing. Then you would tell me you were getting ready to do so, and that I had to say exactly the right thing to you or your death would be my fault. You would call me in the middle of the night and do this, or you would do it when were out having a good time (out of nowhere).

You told me in detail about how you physically beat your ex's and cheated on them. Usually you would say this and laugh, saying you would do it again or even do it more if you had the chance. You told me about beating other people to the point that they were almost dead. Sleeping with other men's girlfriends, wives, daughters to 'take the most precious things from them' when you felt like they had slighted you.

Any time you didn't like the way I responded to you or thought I wasn't being attentive enough, you started telling me stories about how you would cheat on your ex's and hurt them when they did these things to you. If I asked you if you were trying to make a statement to me, then I was told I was stupid for thinking you would do something like that.

The interactions, to and from so many women, were disgusting a creepy. Other people asked me if I was ok with this, and I acted like I didn't know what they were talking about because I didn't want to set you off. You were always seeking sexual attention, always letting women know that you were just on the verge of available (that I know of, maybe more). Sexual, promiscuous public comments, and if I said anything at all, then I was just like your ex's who (you would kindly remind me) you would beat and cheat on. You always had an excuse for the texts or social media comments, or you would lash out with rage if I dare say anything.

Then the physical attacks. When I told you that you were hurting me and leaving bruises, they escalated and you became angry. Another round of raging would ensue. I would cry and tell you I loved you and I was sorry, but that just made things worse. At least until you were done and ready to call it a night. You never truly apologized, I always made you do it and I should never do the same thing again.

You told me I needed you. That I couldn't achieve my goals without you. That your ex's realized this but it was too late, they all wanted you back and there are so many women out there who would love to be your wife. You would tell me this when things were going well, and it always threw me off, feeling like I had done something wrong. You referred to yourself as a god, saint or hero on a regular basis. Truly humble, supportive people don't handle themselves this way.

The lies started to come out, so many that I don't know what to believe any more. I realized that you were blaming every little negative thing in your life, conveniently, on the people who you were the most angry with at that moment. The only thing I ever heard you say was your 'fault' was letting those people into your life and letting them trick you.

There is so much more. I think I thought (admittedly, selfishly) that I could be there for you and be someone different in your life. It wasn't until the end that I realized it doesn't matter who is standing next to you, these things will never change. I remember once you saying that you didn't understand why someone like me would want to marry you. That was probably the most (seemingly) honest comment I ever heard you make, but my guess is there was a dishonest purpose behind that statement, too.

I don't wish any ill will towards you. I hope you can find a way to be at peace with your true self. You are an incredibly brilliant man with so much potential, and I hope you find a way to harness this to the best of your ability and make good with it.