I didn't know if I wanted to write out my story - it is already written in fragmented pieces all over this site and others like it. That was, and continues to be surreal to me, reading all about the two years of life I handed over to an N. It's all there, my confusion, my pain, my lack of understanding right down to exact words, phrases, behaviors he used. Wow. So Bizarre to read all about your relationship online.
I found this site while searching for an answer as to what the hell had just happened to me. In fact, I googled "being thrown away like trash." I was D&D'd with such absolute coldness that I didn't know which way was up. I didn't even cry for a week. I was in shock. I threw up for three days straight.
I had never heard the terms NPD, D&D, ST, Triangulation or any of the other words that would come to make sense of the senseless that had been my relationship. I mean yes, of course I had heard the term narcissist. You know, one of those people that are so in love with themselves, looking in mirrors, being loud and doing everything they can to get attention, right? OMG was I in for a rude awakening!
And honestly, when I first started reading here, I didn't think the term abused applied in my instance. I had been abused many years before in a relationship, mentally, verbally, emotionally (and physically when I ended it, years of being stalked by a true psychopath etc) somehow this seemed pale in comparison. In fact, I recall many times thinking how much better off I was in this relationship with the N, because in my mind, at least he wasn't abusive. And in many ways he wasn't. He was never anything but affectionate. He didn't put me down and put himself down a lot. He didn't gaslight me at all, but maybe we just hadn't got there yet. He was never physically or verbally abusive. But Silent treatment, oh boy, do I know about that one. Ironically though, it always came when things were going really well between us. Almost like we were getting too close, things were too good. At the time I just figured he was having a hard time getting over his last long term relationship, was gun shy, afraid of getting hurt. And yes she was "crazy, psycho, kicked him out all the time, did terrible, terrible things." I never met the woman, I have no idea, but now I question if she was in fact all of those things, or it was him projecting. At this point, I don't particularly care or need to know.
Anyway, our best time together was the last four months. Reading all the posts about being love-bombed at the beginning didn't happen for me. In fact, I felt like I was the pursuer, always trying to talk him into something he wasn't ready for because we had such wonderful times when we were together and such incredible chemistry. I really thought I was doing him a favor, helping him heal and he would see how great we really were together. It seemed like he just needed time to get his head on straight, so I didn't really push, I didn't question much. I just naively figured he would come around in time. He had to see how good we were, right? He had to realize that people wait their whole lives to feel this way, right? He had to know that you just don't find that kind of chemistry very often, right? I mean this wasn't my first rodeo, but I never had this kind of chemistry with anyone ever! I recall even telling him onetime, "you must have a lot of testosterone because my body has never had this kind of reaction to anyone before" (and this was about a year and a half in where normally that initial chemistry/sexual attraction would have since
waned) Of course now I know that it was in fact the increased testosterone these N's/P's have that can explain it all away. I didn't know then, I really thought he just couldn't yet see what I could. HA!
The last ST was for a month and a half - I sent him periodic messages and he answered sporadically and mostly curt answers, but we didn't see each other and when he was seemingly over it, I went to see him. (I did not know he was an N at this time - though why I didn't at least google the many silent treatments/disappearing acts sooner, I'll never know!). We had what I thought was a good talk and I thought we were "back on track."
For four continuous months afterwards, everything was absolutely perfect. This is where the love-bombing came in. I couldn't ask for a more loving, devoted relationship. It was what I felt like I had been so patiently waiting for FINALLY! I had even commented to
his mother that I believed he was finally letting me into his heart and it truly felt like he was. We were over the hump, life was going to be grand from here on out, right? WRONG.
One day everything was fine, making plans for the following day, booked a trip for a few months down the road (on my dime of course)etc etc. The next day BOOM. It was all over. Silent treatment for a couple of weeks and then when I saw him at an event we both had to be at, he came up to me and said, "Ya, so
I guess there's another woman. I don't even know how it happened."
At this point I had trusted him completely, he had said he was a one woman man, he had said he wasn't going anywhere, he was truly committed to our relationship, he knew where he had gone wrong and he was going to make it better from now on. He started calling me sweetie and babe and putting xo's in his texts on and
on and on. So, though the relationship on the whole was a roller coaster with his silent treatments and though I gave all of myself, my time, efforts, my money, my love for the entire two years, he really did step up the last four months! It was everything one could want in a relationship and I let my guard down. And then I was completely blindsided. (Come closer so I can slap you, anyone?)
I sat in my car in complete and utter shock. I couldn't speak, I couldn't cry, I couldn't be angry, I couldn't move. It was the weirdest feeling in the world. My head told me to scream at him, crumple to the ground and cry, punch him, something, anything. I
couldn't. I sat for a long time after he just dropped the OW bomb and casually walked away like he had just told me the sky was blue. Eventually I drove home in a weird detached way. And then I went to bed and pretty much stayed there for three days, not eating, not crying, just throwing up. On the fourth day a family
medical emergency happened and in some bizarre crisis mode, I dealt with both the immediate aftermath of the D&D and family stuff for the next several weeks. Both have since gone out of crisis mode, but both are still a very unsettling reality for me.
The only contact since D day was a few texts early on when I still didn't know he was an N and I said "I hate that you've done this to me," He responded, "I didn't mean to." And then I said, "You don't just throw people away like trash, you just don't." His answer,
"let it go please." I was thinking WTF how can you just turn everything off like a switch?
A few days later I figured I would be a bigger person and sent him basically a good-bye text telling him I would miss him and wished the best for him etc. but then, (still not knowing he was an N) I found out who the OW was and in an angry spin wrote something along the lines of "Disregard that last text, you left me for a __(slur) with _(x amount of kids) You'll get what you deserve on that one. And you better not have given me any diseases. Asshole. I was too good for you. But yeah, I'll let it go now." His response, "Fuck you" My last text and the final communication between us, "Eww No Thanks!" (Yes he let me have the last word,
and I was pretty pleased with that comeback. lol)
Still, him leaving me for someone else when everything seemed fine and then telling me fu when I was reeling from the shock was so cold, dismissive and unexpected. I was hurt and confused and I felt like I was dying. I didn't know what truly had happened or why. I didn't know why I was taking it so hard. It was a dark, scary place. I couldn't grasp the absolute coldness in his eyes and demeanor and then his texts. Who the hell was this person?
And then I started searching. And I found out about npd and this site. And then the senseless started making sense. And finally I cried long and hard for what never was, for what never will be for "us" and even for him. Obviously I'm not stupid. I even took a
college class on abnormal psychology 20 some years ago. I saw the signs that something was "off", I saw the red flags, yes even on date number one and I ignored them all or offered my own excuses for his behavior. I pursued a relationship with this man and yes, I did fall in love with him and do love him still, but I hope I never set eyes on him again. Like a quote I read somewhere. "And I never saw him again, not because I didn't love him, but because I did." I will love him from afar until he becomes a distant memory and the love fades and turns into something else entirely and I'm okay with that.
I try not to hate him because that will do more harm on me than it will ever do to him. And in my heart of hearts I don't think he did it deliberately. He knew something was wrong with him, we even tried to figure it out one time, he said he thought he might be bi-polar, but I knew that wasn't it. I said he almost seemed like he had a mild form of multiple personality disorder or schizophrenia because of that Jekyll and Hyde thing he had going on at times, but I knew that wasn't it either. That said I do hate what he did and
how he hurt me after I was nothing but good to him for two solid years. But I don't hate him. He is disordered and incurably so, and that is the only thing I truly hate in this whole deal.
And that's the story leading up to today. Nearly two months after D&D and 43 days NC. And ME. I have read and read and read on this site and elsewhere online. In fact it's summer, and I normally love summer, but not this year. This year I've spent reading, reading, reading the blogs, the posts and the information on this site. I felt like it was the only thing I could do. I didn't want or wasn't able to function properly to do much else. I needed to understand what had happened to me and I needed to find a way out of the darkness and despair.
I have to say, and I know it has been said by many others, but I am truly so thankful for this site. I believe it just might have saved my life. I know it saved my sanity! I'm starting to come out of the darkness now, I understand this disorder perhaps as well or better than most therapists (is that narcissistic to say? lol) I needed to understand it. And now I do.
For the past couple of weeks I have tried to shift my focus from the N, the disorder and the need to understand it to ME and my part in this relationship. I'm also trying to understand MY family of origin issues and what has led me to this point in life. Mostly trying to come to terms with the realization that ALL of my past relationships have been with disordered/dysfunctional/emotionally unavailable men. I find myself needing to take stock of how that pattern has affected my well being and happiness, my mental
health, my family, my financial stability, basically my entire life! It is both an eye opening and disturbing experience.
So what have I learned so far? With almost 60 mostly hellish days since the D&D?
I have learned I can survive pain and heartbreak beyond what I ever thought possible and still find a reason to smile.
I have learned that there are things/disorders/people we cannot change no matter how much we wish otherwise.
I have learned that though I don't think I'm an empath, I can be overly sympathetic to the plight of others. I am a fixer. I am a pleaser. I am too trusting, I take people at their word. I have poor boundaries in relationships and I have a good idea where it comes
I remember telling the N one time after an ST (and still under the assumption/illusion I was helping him to heal and making his life better.) I said, "I know why I'm in your life, but I can't figure out why you're in mine. I don't know what the lesson is. There is
always supposed to be a reason someone is in your life."
Now I don't know why I was in his life, it could have been anybody and I could have saved myself a world of pain! But at least now I know what my lesson is:
I need to heal my past somehow, though I'm not quite sure I know how.
I need to figure out why I am attracted to P's/N's/S's and more importantly, why they are attracted to me.
I need to stop taking people at face value. I need to listen to red flags and to actions instead of words.
And mostly I have learned that I never want to go through this again, so I will continue learning all that I need to make sure I never have to!
A heartfelt Thank You to each and everyone of you on this site. The admins/mods/posters. Though I don't know any of you yet, I have read your blogs, your stories and your posts and I am truly sorry for all the incredible pain that has brought us together. I am
clawing my way out of a deep dark hole, and you all know the pain too well. But without a doubt, I would still be at the bottom of that very dark hell if it hadn't been for this site and all of you!
Here's to better days ahead for each and every one of us!