CareBear's Story - Part 3 - the fallout

WOW! I can't believe how much I have written...I guess I had to get it all pit for myself!

Unfortunately when things got really bad with the narc gym guy- I had no clue about this site or narcs.

I just slowly stopped "behaving" - refusing to do his sick sexual tasks or if we had a fight and got silent treatment - I would love my few days of silence - but be looking over my shoulder and at my phone in fear of him contacting me again. He would stalk me - showing up outside of the office, outside my house - the words he said to me were awful, awful, awful - the threats - I shudder thinking about it.

The antidepressants were kind of starting to work - I was able to keep some food down and was starting to gain weight - I was also avoiding our shared gym...it felt so good to eat, so I would binge on sweets, carby food and wine to dull the pain (yes, big no no on Meds).

That was another way I was misbehaving - I was gaining weight and not consistently doing my workouts (even though he had problems with me if I beat him in challenges or the runs in bootcamp - I was showing off)...by gaining weight - he said I was not getting the "results" that he expected in my body from dieting and bootcamp (I was now a lean, muscular 5'6" about 145 lbs). I needed to lose 20-30 lbs in a month he told me.

Funnily enough the narc referred me to a local dietician in the neighborhood so I could get my results - the same dietician that he said he once referred his ex wife to when he was unhappy with her eating habits.

I went - I didn't really like that I was bingeing - it wasn't me - I felt out of control and thought maybe I could get some tips to not binge as my tiny "whore" clothes were getting tighter and not looking as good ((of course I was getting in trouble for not being able to wear the sexy little things he bought me on dates - if we did go on one))

In really liked the dietician - she loved my initial weight loss story from several years ago - she was so upbeat - she gave me a plan to get my eating right. I kept in touch - lost a few lbs...she had encouraged me to do a figure competition - she was also a personal trainer, so instead if bootcamp - I worked out with her in a different gym on my terms.

Gym narc was happy that I might do a figure or bikini comp ((he loved the word results and the diet was working- he wanted to micromanage my diet and results)) but he still wanted to sabotage anything positive I was doing - if I had to wake up at 5AM for a 6AM training session - he would keep me up until 3 AM picking fights - he was always surprised that I would wake up.

One time I showed up to a session - bleary and puffy eyed - weak, no sleep at 6AM- and the trainer asked how I was and how things were with this guy - she knew him from when she counseled his ex wife - I broke down and started to tell her very generally about his behavior - she looked like a deer in headlights and turned pale - all the color went from her face - she said, um dear - have you ever heard of narcissistic personality disorder? I said no....

She said go home, and google it! Do your homework! She wasn't going to diagnose him but - her ex husband was a narc and she was in therapy as they were divorcing ...

I ran home and googled - then I found this site!!!!!!! OMG!! I called out of work, sick day and read the sight for hours - I was crying happy tears!

I knew something also had to happen with my absentee hubby who had started to notice my erratic behavior a few months ago as he was home
More and started paying attention! I think he caught on to another man- finally he was perking up - when things started to go south for us before the narc- I had encouraged couples counseling which he found too hard to keep the date with his work schedule...I knew I was going to have to come clean because it was getting even uglier with the narc - he was threatening to tell my husband even though he didn't want a real committed relationship - cause he knew his issues and he may get tired of me.

After I came clean - Hubby and I had a breakthrough - where he apologized for his behaviors leading to the other man...we took half and half responsibility as a couple ...I didn't tell him about the narc-ness or other things. He didn't want to see me cry and be hurt by this a-hole anymore, but he wanted me to take responsibility for my actions.

I retreated further from the narc - trying NC- I called GOLDIE :) scheduled a 1:1 - told her my story - she gave me such good advice! I felt like I was drowning and needed targeted help. Tried to remain NC but the Narc continued to stalk me, egg my house, my car, he started to get pushy physically with me when I would walk away...I was remaining NC the best I could, but he was raging & coming after me. Goldie told me that if he started to get physical with me on the street in front of people - it would escalate and to remain safe, remain NC and don't be alone with him.

One particular evening I was having dinner with my Friends and he was relentlessly texting me - saw me at a cafe in the neighborhood ..my friends and I had moved to a different bar after dinner for a drink - the texting was not stopping, so my friend said - tell him if he wants to speak to you - he has to come here...yeah, he showed up, of course he wanted to take me somewhere else - I said no, my friends said no - they told him if he wanted to talk to me we had to sit in a booth and talk...my friends were watching me - he got nasty, was raising his voice - after 5-10 mins, my friends came over and said, ok - enough - we walked out, I asked him never to speak to me again, it was over. We stepped outside - he was trying to take me home in his car- I was resisting, saying no-- then he pushed me up against the glass window of the bar forcibly - his hand on my neck- screaming in my face - that he will win, he will get his revenge - I was the one that "ruined" this relationship - he effing hated me...it is over because I ruined everything.
***Goldie was right!! *** sadly the violence and the threats escalated. Just like Goldie said!!!!

I needed another 1:1 with Goldie, I was terrified that if this guy did this to me in front of my friends & in public with many witnesses - what would he do to me alone. Goldie advised me on restraining orders and how to approach going to the authorities and also how to approach any other ambushes on the street - basically just turn around and go home...she also said he is raging and hoovering so hard in that - he thought I had more tread on my tires...in that he thought I had a few more years of good abuse left on me before I was an even fainter shadow of my former self and I would be no use to him.

One night when I was walking my dog- He came out of no where and started with the Insults and threats- said he believed that I was confused - I didn't mean that I didn't want to be with him - he didn't like my friends - that now I was spending time with them regularly for the first time in over a year - he said that they were putting bad ideas about "us" in my head (the trainer and my 2 local friends were the only ppl to know outside my hubby now). He wanted to go to dinner - he thought we owed it to eachother because we had something special - and he wanted to talk to me without my friends. I started backing up - he was raging - I was saying nothing - remaining calm, I started walking back to my building and again with the revenge threats..

The next morning he emailed my husband - personal emails we exchanged when things were good...some home videos...some evidence of the sick tasks he forced me to do...yeah....that was a lot for my husband to take in and process...for me too..

The narc tried Hoover-stalking me one more time and I told my husband right away...I had noticed my hubby had emailed the narcs contact info to himself from my phone - I don't know the details of what happened...but he never came after me again...what a gift!

Needless to say I was a mess - I enrolled in personal therapy sessions with a local therapist ...which I still go weekly to find the root - it is painful!! But it is so worth it...my therapist told me if I didnt find the root...something like this could happen to me again if I don't know why and am able to set healthy boundaries...I'm working on it - it is tough! It is uncomfortable at times but I will take that ANY day knowing each boundary I set makes me stronger and keeps anyone malicious from getting to me again!

As an aside - my therapist believes that the exnarc also favors greatly to the sociopath spectrum ...as he gets pleasure using people for his benefit - a definite level of criminality in his actions and the way he profiles and surveys his next victims ...a few sessions in, she did get stern with me and said, now I know the story and what he did and all the awful, bad things he did and said to u, we could probably do a doctoral thesis on this character - but I am not paying her to figure him out - I am coming to help myself! And would make me focus on more myself ..retrain the brain!

It does work :) and I am proud to announce I am now 6 months NC! I have my good days and bad - now longer stretches of good and few bad ones - but if you do the work...it does get better! :)

I am happy to help and be support to any of the brave members on this site! - Stay Sparkly! :)