From the moment you first laid eyes on me, you say you knew that I was to be yours. I was barely 16 that day when you took over my life. You forced yourself in – giving me your phone number and your address – even drawing me a map to your house. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I was not interested? No, because you were so confident that I would be head over heels in love with you. I didn’t stand a chance against your charming, pushy ways. My father warned me about “guys” but you were more than I could handle.
I told my girlfriends at school the next day that I had met you and that you wanted to date me – and they were horrified. They knew of your bad reputation at your high school, but I thought they were over-reacting. I wish I had listened…
For our first date, you came to my home. Surrounded by my parents and sisters in my living room as we watched a movie, you violated me sexually. I do not know why I sat there frozen. No one had ever touched me there before. I hadn’t even really kissed a boy before you. I wish I had cried out to my parents who were only a few feet away, not realizing what was happening under the blanket….
You claimed me, and I let you. Why did I allow that? Somehow I began spending less time with my friends and all of my time with you, until you got bored with me and ignored me. That really hurt my feelings. I hurt so much, every time you did that, I tried to move away. Over the years we dated, I tried to escape several times to live with extended family members. I was never happy and always moved back to my parents’ home, where you would find me and we would “start all over”.
I thought we were really over 26 years ago when you rejected me. I was 18 years old, and had moved out of state to follow you where you were going to school. That honeymoon period only lasted 6 months before you began ignoring me. I put up with that for 3 more months before I moved back to my parents’. I got my own apartment and a really great job in my home town. I had a really nice car of my own. But for the first four months of that 9 month separation, my body was detoxing from the stress and depression of my relationship with you. I broke out in hives for weeks! The dermatologist said I was allergic to cats, but I knew better. I was allergic to you!
I finally found peace and calmness in my independent life – the first time ever. It had been 9 months since I heard from you and I was happy. Then suddenly you call me. I could choke the friend who gave you my number. What was she thinking!? When you called, I had a new boy friend visiting my apartment and I couldn’t talk to you. I was disturbed that you called and was glad to have an excuse to get off the phone.
I was so naïve. That bit of information was too much for you and you went crazy. How dare someone else date your property! A couple of hours later, after the boyfriend had gone home, you called again. I cannot remember what we talked about for hours into the wee hours of the morning, but I do remember that it made me physically ill. I had to call in to work to say I was taking off that day. I was a rag doll.
When I woke up to someone knocking on my apartment door, I wondered who it was. I looked out the front window into the parking lot, and there were no vehicles there. I weakly asked who was there… and it was you. You had hidden your truck because you knew I wouldn’t answer the door for you. Instead of opening the door, I went back to bed and slept for a couple of hours. When I woke up, you were still there… and I opened the door. Oh I wish I hadn’t….
You put in a cassette tape and sang a love song to me while you danced with my lethargic body. I was so out of it – physically, mentally, emotionally. You didn’t seem to care about that. After the song, you put me back in bed where I passed out.
While I was asleep, you searched my apartment for the engagement ring I had taken off. Of course I kept it… why I do not know. When I woke up, you put it on my finger and I did not object.
The next few weeks were a blur. Quitting my job, breaking my lease and moving in with your mother, planning a wedding, arguing with my mother who was trying to make it a beautiful wedding for her first born, changing the wedding day to a month earlier just to get it over with.
From the night of your phone call to our wedding day, it was 2 months. You were so charming. The morning of the wedding, I was a grouchy bear of a bride. Isn’t the wedding supposed to be the best day of a girl’s life? For me, it was the beginning of the worst years of my life, and somehow I knew it. Why didn’t I run?
The honeymoon was the worst. You were so bored and boring to me that we drove 45 minutes back to your mother’s house to get a tv. Really?! You even invited my friend and her husband to have dinner with us… I guess I wasn’t good enough to enjoy a honeymoon with alone. The sex lotion that you thought would spice up our sex life burned my skin and you thought it was funny as I went to wash it off in the shower. Oh yeah, real funny.
That was 24 ½ years ago. I do not remember loving you. I do not remember even being fond of you. I just remember being yours. Yours to control or discard at your pleasure. You haven’t changed.
But I have. I will write more soon…