Nemo's story

Here goes.

I knew my N for many years as a friend of a friend. We shared many fun nights out together and got on brilliantly as friends. He tended to disappear from our lives for years at a time when he was in relationships (makes sense now). I always thought him unlucky in love with two failed marriages and a recently broken engagement (weeks before the wedding). Red flag number 1!

I was in a long term and unhappy relationship when N and I met at Christmas after a break of couple of years. Somehow the dynamic in our friendship changed imperceptibly that night, I still can't put my finger on it but we and mutual friends decided to meet for New Year, and I went with every intention of 'something' happening, which sure enough it did in the morning of New Year's Day. I left and drove home (I should say at this point we live 150 miles apart) confused and guilty. The bombardment of texts started that night (how much he liked me, how we'd wasted 20 years etc), and we agreed to meet a couple of days later to talk. We decided to start seeing each other and I went to stay with him a couple of weeks later.

This went on for five months, usually me travelling to see him at his house. He was soooooooo smitten with me, texting each other up to 100 times a day, no more than a couple of waking hours went by without contact. He was desperate to see me, even an hour at a train station when we could. He said all the right things, he missed me, he wished I was there with him etc, would I leave my long term partner, he would come up with a 'plan' for our future.

I met his family several times and readily accepted (though the bitching about his ex partners was a bit odd). Within a couple of weeks he spent an hour telling me about the holiday he would plan and book for us (no input from me, whether I actually wanted to go or not). How romantic! Ha.

We spent weekends just being a 'normal' couple in love, I had a key to his house so could arrive if he was out no problem. Sometimes I would arrive and he had bought cinema tickets to a film he wanted to see, whether I wanted to or not. How lovely thought I, he wants to share what he likes with me. Ha.

It was nice to be with someone so well groomed and conscious of his appearance (AKA vain) and in our time together his gym obsession escalated, posting his latest achievements on FB and texting me for my admiration (red flag!). He utterly idolised his personal trainer and bored everyone stupid with his gym tales. He was super competitive too (red flag!).

And so we continued for five months, I was totally swept off my feet by him. I felt wonderful. Whenever I mentioned the future, he was always going to come up with a plan (which obviously never materialised).

Suddenly one day, he was trying to put me off (subtle hints) about coming to see him the following Saturday, but I still went. I was suspicious then (and 100% sure now) he slept with someone else on the Friday, the last thing I asked him before I drove home (yet again) was did he want to still see me. Yes, of course says he. But I had a feeling something wasn't right.

A few days later yet again the hints came and I called him on it. Told me to forget about coming down to see him (all via text). I said I'd call him to talk, he wouldn't pick up. When I asked later that night what was up he said 'he didn't know' which actually I believe!

I had pretty much the silent treatment all weekend (a couple of texts) and when I contacted him to ask WTF was happening I got a 'I can't do this any more. I don't know why'. Strange choice of words I thought at the time (now makes PERFECT sense. Can't keep up the charade any more).

I am of course devastated as to how things can be seemingly perfect one week, then nothing but resolve to get on with my life. Several days later, he meets with some mutual friends who report back to me he admits he's selfish and just wants to be on his own. OK, think I a selfish bastard I can deal with this.

Fast forward another few days, I get a call. Not in a position to talk so arrange to call later. Assuming I'll get a bit more of an explanation, an apology etc. Oh no, he shifts ALL the blame to me. He feels under pressure to make things work out, it wasn't fair on him, I need to sort my life out blah, blah, blah. He had only ever spoken to be in a lovely manner previously, but this was the angry voice I'd heard when he would have a rant at call centre employees etc (the real N). He said at one point I wasn't listening and all I was talking about was 'his actions and my feelings'. Er, yes I was. We ended the call and I pretty much fell to bits. I texted him the next day to f**king APOLOGISE for not seeing things from his point of view. Idiot that I was.

Next day I meet another mutual friend of ours who I haven't seen for many years. I literally cry on her shoulder and tell her EVERYTHING about my feelings, how N had treated me at first and how he had shifted the blame to me, about my long term relationship and how I needed out. 'What a manipulative bastard' says she and proceeds to give me tons of advice on how to get over N (she was in a similar position, though a few weeks down the line) and tips on ending my long term relationship (which I now had to end if I could so easily enter a guilt-free affair with N).

I am totally bereft for a couple of weeks. Not eating, not sleeping, struggling at work (though my lovely understanding colleagues were great when I said I had 'personal issues'). Eventually after much soul searching, do the right thing and tell my long term partner it's all over. I text my friend who supported my and tell her thanks for the advice and that I'd finally done it.

Next bit never fails to make people's jaw drop...............I get a text in reply saying she's started seeing N!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG - could she not have enough red flags from what I told her. This news is even worse than him ending things. His new supply is a 'friend' of mine, and he made his move days after we finished (I knew on FB he was seeing someone else but could not work out who it was. I was seriously stalking his FB at this time).

I'm proud of this, I blocked both of them on FB instantly (without a final sneak) and untagged myself in any photos. Removed EVERY COMMENT for the last six years he had made on my FB status (unfortunately blocking someone does not do this). I have been totally NC for four weeks and not even tempted to contact him again.

It's been a rough few weeks and I've struggled, especially with her betrayal of me (she sent me a pitying text apologising 'for the anger and hurt she has caused'; deleted and not replied to. So, a few days ago I'm still mad at her and planning how to get him back (!!!!!). I wake up with my phone telling me I have a FB message every few seconds and witness a one sided (as I can't see N's responses) in a conversation a mutual friend has started and invited me to. Before I can leave the conversation, from one set of replies I gather N is moving to the OW's city (this is within six weeks of seeing her, and I am 100% positive he wasn't seeing her before this). OK. I think, this is definitely not normal to do this. Some googling later (quick new relationships etc) I stumble upon the description of NPD and how men behave in relationships. WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He fits the description to a tee; self absorbed, no empathy (never asked how I was, even when I was pretty ill at one point), vain, over inflated opinion of himself, ends relationships suddenly, 'love bombing;, I could go on...........

Immediately, the OW is forgiven by me, I know exactly how 'Prince Charming' is treating her (and her kids). I would warn her but it would make me seem the psycho ex with a grudge. I will be here with open arms when (not if) he treats her badly.

I have spent the entire weekend reading up on NPD and reading posts on this forum waiting for my approval by moderators. Periodically, nodding and laughing at how textbook he is. It is still very hard to come to terms with the fact he never loved me and I was a pawn to stroke his ego, especially as we were friends for two decades before. I know I will NEVER let him in my life again or make contact, but our paths will cross through mutual friends at some point. These are VERY good friends of mine so losing them is not an option. The only time he is on my radar at the moment is on FB when I can see that he (or her) has commented on a post (invisible to me) but gets a response from others. Annoying, but I can deal with it.

I am on the path forward already, I still grieve but it's for the illusion not the real him. I focus on the positive; he made me remember who I am and was the catalyst for leaving my long term relationship (which I should have done a long time ago).

I WILL come through this wiser, more knowledgeable and stronger. I know it.

When it ends with the OW, I will know and reach out to her. I have a big heart and hope I can help her get through it. I feel sorry for her kids as I know he will use them as supply as well. It makes me sad that he cannot be in my life as a friend either as we had good times together, but my sanity and mental health is more important.

I have got through best part of a bottle of wine writing this. Thank you of you've got this far. It is very cathartic to write it all out. I am off on holiday in two days (sailing); the only things left I have of his is his front door key and a Valentine's Day card; both will be in the ocean on the first day onboard.

Onwards and upwards,

Nemo xxx

(PS I will write another post about N and sex on the other board. Enlightening stuff!)