Hoovering lesson

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#1 July 20, 2013 - 6:32pm
Valentinian
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Hoovering lesson

I established no contact, blocked phone and email, contacted police and a trespass notice ready to go, and went a whole week without hearing anything after having been harrassed. Then I got a letter, a confession of her wrongs but somehow managing to put the blame on me too. I ignored it, put it in the cupboard with all the poems, photographs, gifts etc. she gave me during the first stage of sweetness and light.

A week later again, yesterday, I got another letter in the post. This time a card with a child's drawing of a butterfly on the front, endearing, using all the sweet names she used to call me, drawn sad faces - all of it targeted at my emotions, I suspect. I figured she was trying to reel me back in again. She said she wanted closure. (After shouting over the top of me every time I opened my mouth to speak, reason, reconcile. After hanging up on me on the phone before I could get a word in).

I took a shower and had a think about it. The timing was spooky, uncanny - I'd just reached the stage of raw disappointment, after feeling really angry for the way she treated and used me, and then after a phase of feeling sorry for the child she must have been once and what that child must have gone through. I was emotionally abused as a child myself - but had reached a stage of trying to heal, move-on, so I thought.

It wasn't that I wanted to see her again (or was it, really?). I decided the only way 'we' could progress was if she was willing to admit to her pattern of sadistic abuse and manipulation (which she carried out in a 'covert' way, under her mask). I knew in my mind that, being a Narc, she'd NEVER be able to do that. I rang her up, she said she'd been really bad getting over us. I said I doubted that. I arranged to meet her in the park - a public place. Having acquired insight into our relationship and knowledge about narcissism, I felt strong enough to deal with her. I even took a Dictaphone in my pocket and recorded our conversation in order to defend my sanity against any future attempts at gas-lighting!

Anyway, we met, I told her about the abusive pattern etc. She just listened, mostly. When she tried to defend herself I just kept on track, didn't let her divert, didn't let her deny what really happened.

Now I was feeling powerful. I felt like I was finally overcoming her, standing up for myself. Proud I was keeping my cool, keeping reason and sense on track. When she asked for more examples of this abuse I was speaking of, I mentioned one of the times she used sex to coerce and degrade me. She told me I had my version of events and at that point she broke away, wouldn't listen anymore, wished me well. I wished her well too and just walked away, left her standing there. Take that Narc!!

Then I got home. I was thinking about her all over again, of course. Then a few hours later the phone went. She was in tears. She said she was going to start counselling and that having come out of an abusive relationship (referring to her ex-husband) she may have gone too far in the opposite direction herself (meaning from victim to abuser). I began to think my words might have actually done some good. She thanked me for pointing her behaviour out to her. However, she said finally, as for me and her, there was no way she could carry on with someone who viewed her in that way - as an abuser. It was just too painful, she said. When I began to reply she hung up on me again!!!!

Now I see that 'closure' was the hook. It wasn't her who wanted closure (she was just annoyed I'd got away, and was wanting to reel me back in again), she was appealing to what she must have figured out was going on inside me. She lured me out of No Contact with the bait of attaining 'closure' and then snatched it away right at the end, leaving things in such a way that it looked as though SHE'D ended it with me (stealing my power of having walked away from HER), and making it seem like she's going to reform but that I'm the one who's going to miss out.

She SUCCEEDED in making me FEEL (not think - I know in my mind it's all an act) like I might have just let the best thing that ever happened to me slip through my fingers, even though the reality is that this woman is one of the worst things that's ever happened to me (besides the opportunity for personal growth here - I mean, she's really wrecked my heart).

So, it might be old news, but there you are. These kinds of people are deeply deceitful and manipulative. Keep your guard up, and don't fall prey to the power of SELF deceit either when it comes time for a hoovering!

December 6, 2013 - 3:17am
Valentinian
Valentinian's picture

Cheers Trixy, that's so cool,

November 28, 2013 - 8:57pm
Valentinian
Valentinian's picture

Thanks and update

November 30, 2013 - 10:06am (Reply to #11)
Trixy
Trixy's picture

Great to hear from you Valentinian

November 28, 2013 - 8:05pm
layla2727
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I don't agree. YOU ENDED IT.

July 21, 2013 - 9:35am
Trixy
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thanks Valentinian

July 21, 2013 - 6:35pm (Reply to #8)
Valentinian
Valentinian's picture

@ Trixy

July 20, 2013 - 8:29pm
fefe65
fefe65's picture

God Now thats so just like a

July 20, 2013 - 7:39pm
Valentinian
Valentinian's picture

Thanks both. Yep, she got me.

July 20, 2013 - 7:06pm
ziggy
ziggy's picture

On You!!!

July 21, 2013 - 4:19am (Reply to #3)
Luckyescape
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Oh Ziggy

July 21, 2013 - 10:31pm (Reply to #4)
ziggy
ziggy's picture

yep

July 20, 2013 - 7:02pm
Liberated2Aspire
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I got suckered just reading your post :-)

Liberated2Aspire