Five-Oh 50 Days NC... 4 Hoovers (Yesterday)

Today is 50 Days NC.

The true test to my conviction to stay true to ME...

The quadruple HOOVER was an epic symbol of the truth I have learned here... A narc is a narc is a narc. Supply is supply is supply. Who is hoovered? It doesn't matter to the Narc. They go wherever they can to get it. Yesterday, three attempted phone calls (at work)& 1 email.(delete)

While my heart still aches for the man I 'thought' he was, my head knows he does not exist.I am very cognisant of the disorder. Admitting it is his for life is my challenge. The longer I go without contact, the more evident it is to me. My challenge is I am a 'fixer'. I want to make everything good and right in the world. Friends tell me I have a PHD in Bleeding Hearts.
However, I do know my limits. I cannot fix or change this man. Do I wish things were different? Sure I do... Do I know they cannot and will not be? YES!

NC is like sudden death, and I'm choosing it. However, I will not deny, some days... it is still a struggle. I fight the urge to stay in bed, call in sick to work and check out. But I don't. I am finding joy again, the silver lining. I want a free and happy heart. I choose ME.

I see that a HOOVER is not a compliment, because I know it is just a sign that OW/new supply/old supply/whatever it is is running low for the Narc and he's just on the hunt for more. I have become a challenge to him again, because I am GONE... Been there, done that for four years. Always wanting me when I am not there. Narc's thrive on longing, and not having. Because not having does not invlove intimacy, closeness or anything REAL.

When I think of talking to him I get anxious, confused, nervous and feel unsafe. That alone is enough for me to remain NC.

Listening to intuition, gut, whatever you want to call it.
Narc's are not safe haevens.

It's like walking into a gigantic spider web... In certain light, a big web cannot be seen, before you know it, you're tangled in it.

I'm remaining in the light that illuminates the web so I stay out of it...

My gratitude to everyone on this forum who continues to guide me and help me and save me everyday of this journey.

I'm committed to continuing on the path forward...
Love to all...
FreeMe