The 3 Ns in my life and how to heal

Why was I vulnerable?

A bad experience last year revealed I was vulnerable to narcissists. I was being bullied at work at the time but the experience didn’t bother me emotionally. My friend hooked me by complimenting me excessively and being there when I wanted to talk to someone. I loved being around her and before long I couldn’t live without her. She continued to flirt with me and before long I told her how I felt. She denied that she had flirted with me and said sometimes when people have feelings for other people they imagine such things (winking, blowing kisses, saying how much she liked me). She was trying to gaslight me. Luckily I found this blog and read all about narcissists. It was the hardest thing ever but I cut all contact with her and now I hardly think of her.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I was vulnerable to her. To be honest when I met my friend, I think I was turning into a narcissist because I thought I was better than other people and I wanted to pursue with a high-powered career. I put my career before my family, my partner and my health. I hated more than anything to be alone and was basically a people pleaser. I also didn’t know what heartbreak was or hurting feelings. When I had to drag myself out of the hole I was in with my friend I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was but I went for hating myself deeply to loving myself deeply. I can’t explain it but my whole mindset changed. I went from negative, paranoid and angry to at peace, loving and positive. I also feel everything. If someone says something bad to me I cry, I also cry when someone says something nice to me. I am also never lonely. Previously I was extremely lonely and wanted to make friends (as much as I could) more than anything. Having 5 close friends was never enough, I wanted 10, 20. It was an un-satiable need for attention.

Now I can make sense of my feelings, I couldn’t cope with the bullying at work and had to say something. I felt like I was going crazy. I think my boss is a narcissist. I am very sensitive to them now!

I am also sensitive to the fact that I have never felt good enough in my father’s eyes. He is always commenting negatively on everything I do. Only small cuts but I suppose after a while they build up. I remember as a teenager I would think I was going crazy (same feeling as I have with my boss) but I couldn’t articulate what was happening to me. I would chat to my parents about how upset they made me feel sometimes and they would say I’m being too sensitive or that I couldn’t take a joke. My father has no friends and he hates being sick. When he’s sick he’s really sneaky and tries to make my mother feel incompetent so she won't leave. I think this is to do with abandonment issues.

How can I heal? I have finally told my boss that I won't stand for her bullying but I don't feel 100% confident that it's her fault. Something in me says it's my fault she bullies me. I'm not interested enough (as she says) or I'm not clever enough.

Please help, how can I become 100% confident in myself and believe in myself.