Being ERASED, FOO truths. painful, so devastating

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#1 Jun 29 - 10AM
TruthbeginsToday
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Being ERASED, FOO truths. painful, so devastating

Denial has been such a powerful force in my life and now that I'm finding the truth about HOW I got here, I feel sick.

Learning all about the exOPATH was painful.. oh so painful and oh so shocking and devastating but I made it to freedom.

I needed to know how I allowed such treatment of myself and how my thinking got so flawed and HOW do I change it?

WHAT was real and was NOT? It was such a mess of confusion.

As I ventured out of the N/P world and made healthy connections( here and in my other therapuetic environment).. it became painfully obvious that I had not experienced being around healthy people.

The more I reached out to empaths, the more obvious that there was a SHARP contrast to how my family treated me.

As I grew in my knowledge, and began setting small respect boundaries it became clear that my family members HATED this.

I was conditioned to believe that I was beneath them and that Ihad no useful thoughts or words. I served another purpose and that was to honor and serve them.

I could SEE IT AND FEEL IT.. and they were getting worse and worse. I wanted to deny it and my therapist had been suggesting that I stay away from them over a year ago.

I kept going but became an observer and kept holding out for signs of HOPE. I LOOKED hard and I mean HARD for signs of HOPE. I loved my family and did not want to leave them. Iwante to find a way to manage and survive the cruelty.

I recalled events of a family day to my therapist and she said.. I'm worried about you..are you going to be ok? I replied, "I'm fine, I've been doing this(tolerating,understanding, accepting the cruelty) for a long time, it's nothing new
and I'm good at it."

AND my own words...STUNNED mE and HIT me hard.

A few weeks later.. we discussed setting a boundary and there I was again, with family. showed up to visit and rest, and there was work laid out for me. HoURS of work and Iwas not told that there would be work to do. I was tired and in need of rest and not dressed for work. I asked for time to eat an rest. The answer was sorry, we cant wait.

As I was working,I saw them whispering about my clothing, another time about what I had said.

They were talking and I joined in and they talked over me as if Iwasn't speaking. I stopped talking like I always did and went back to work. WHile working my thoughts were fear..as there were 2 controllers in the room. i was making dinner and IKNEW that one made it this way and one made it that way..I feared the criticism of ..no matter which I chose, one of them was going to shame me and tell me I ruined the dinner. TRAP for me, so I asked my mother (her home) how she wanted it done and did that. WELL the other one(sibling) came in and shamed me. I told her that Mom said to do it this way. SHE shot my mother a look and then my mother lied and said she had not said to. I shook my head and heard them talking about me. I recall thinking, why am I still here? Afew minutes later, I was talking to my mother and she kept looking past me and I caught a glimpse of my sibling in the window reflection, rolling her eyes and making the crazy face behind me to my mother.
I don't know what happened to me. I DID the unthinkable and said. MOM are you 2making fun of me behind my back? she looked stunned and said NO, I asked again and said, did you jsut lie to me? dead silence and they were making eye contact. MOM said I was being paranoid and disrespectful. My sibling said I was a crazy liar.I told her I saw her in the window. My mother noticed that my brother in law was watching and I asked her again. This time she said yes, AND My sibling FLEW into a RAGE and began an all out character assault on me. I got D&D'd and pummeled. She shoved and blocked me and I was told that I was not welcome there any more. I was accused of being disrespectful to my mother and a lying crazy B.

I said few words.."you are just angry because you got caught and this time someone told the truth..Before i left I wanted to ask one question of my mother,"do you agree, and do you think I disrepected you?' and I need to leave" My sibling tried to push me and block me while screaming mean cruel horrible lies about me. I asked her to calm down andlet me ask, told her to stop being a bully. MY mom replied, YES to my question. .. Silence...I calmly, quietly gathered my things and walked away...and drove for hours.. in shock.

ONE boundary and it was over. I think that I always knew.. FEAR of this..kept me from speaking up all these years. WELL I faced it.. I faced my fears and it was true...my family is sick...mean and cruel.

I'm devastated.. the TRUTH is so painful and now I am alone..it's done and I'm struggling with this REALITY.

I fear the hoover. I fear the tactics they will use. My mother is all about appearances and she will use guilt, depression, crying and lies to get me back and my part is that this too,,, never happened and I am a crazy liar. Ihave to forget an forgive. I can't so this to myself any longer. I won't.

I need support and I need to grieve them and who I used to be. I need to say goodbye to the conditioned me... the one that was useful for them.

GOD this is so hard.

They know I am alone and not well and theya re banking on me NEEDing them. I NEED loving supportive people in my life..true, but hey are not even close to that.

HERE I GO again...While i am crying andd hurting and trying to heal,THEY have launched a massive SMEAR campaign to make sure that no one visits, calls or supports me.I am being severely punished for speaking up for myself. This is so sick...and I cannot live in fear any longer.

In a few years...they will let up the smear campaign. I WILL survive it. I am still here after the N/psychopath destroyed my credibility for 6 years and I lost everyone at that time too.

Everything I am, I've accomplished, loved, thought, earned is about to be ERASED.

I've been here before with the psychopath but with family it seems to hurt more.

This time I will not defend myself. I have moral boundaries, they do not.

I knew it was most likely the last time I would see them.

Being ERASED is so painful.. it's so devastating.

Please offer ANY help, thoughts,ANYTHING that helps...ANYTHING.

I'm really hurting.

Jun 30 - 4AM
Journey
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Aw truth, I don't know what I

Journey on...

Jul 3 - 10PM (Reply to #15)
TruthbeginsToday
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Journey

Jun 29 - 11PM
JCat
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Erasure

Jul 3 - 10PM (Reply to #13)
TruthbeginsToday
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Jcat

Jun 29 - 11PM (Reply to #12)
ForeverFreedom
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There is so much good here

Jun 29 - 10PM
IncognitoBurrito
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When else

Jun 29 - 6PM
ziggy
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I'm sorry.

Jun 29 - 5PM
ForeverFreedom
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TRUTH!

Jun 30 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
TruthbeginsToday
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ForeverFreedom, keep reminding me of the Gifts and blessings

Jun 29 - 2PM
Janie53
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Truth

Jun 30 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
TruthbeginsToday
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Janie... I hear you

Jun 29 - 2PM
ItsFinallytime
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I am so sorry, truth, that

Jun 30 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
TruthbeginsToday
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It'sFinallyTime

Jun 29 - 1PM
lessonlearned
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your post

Jun 30 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
TruthbeginsToday
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Lessonlearned