Ziggy's Story

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#1 Jun 12 - 1AM
ziggy
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Ziggy's Story

Ziggy: ( I loved you sick Heather )

When you first met him; you thought God had this planned.
You were so insecure! But funny, smart, alive and yes ; you were a pretty girl.
He was so quiet, and serious. But you knew he was smart and his persona so confident but kind.
A beautiful man, pretty close to your ideal.
You were eccentric, but people either loved or disliked your persona. You thought he liked yours, he saw something in you that you didn't think anyone else could see. ( you were wrong, everyone saw it but him )
He allowed you to take most of the control, looking back it was because your family footed most of the bill and took him in as their own ( even though he had a family of his own) . You had the dreams, the plans, the motivation and the means. He followed, with some protest and much criticism...but he followed. ( you thought he was doing it for you )
You left your family behind and moved across the country with him, to get him away from his partying, complaining and lack of opportunity. (you did it for him).
You remember your parents bringing you both there. You remember your mothers uneasiness, your sisters fear, and your brothers uncertainty. You remember your father leaving you that day, when he cried and grabbed on to you saying I shouldn't be leaving you this far away.
You remember how confident you were it was for the best, that one day your family would see how much you and he could accomplish.
You remember that stab of grief and regret when their truck pulled away and left you behind.
He remembers the roof your father put over your heads, the large check he wrote for your new lives. He remembers saying thank god the meddlers wont be around every fucking day.
You remember all the promises of your career and how he promised he would help you succeed. Your dreams were everything!
He remembers you couldn't find a job that paid enough, you couldn't succeed fast enough and your jobs weren't working around his schedule.
You remember when you went into nursing, it was so against your artistic training and desires. The math! The science! You thought it would kill you spiritually, but it was better money, a better schedule ( for the time being )
He remembers this making him temporarily satisfied.
Since you were working, he was miserable. He wanted something else. He didn't want to answer to a boss or schedule. He was meant for better, he was smarter, a harder worker, more talented, more deserving than anyone else ( including you ).
You remember suggesting someone as wonderful and talented ( he was talented )as he should have his own business.
He agreed ; and holy! did you have to work for it.
You remember the overtime, the night shifts, the weekends you put into nursing to compensate initial set up of that business. The time alone was constant, the workload was intense, the stress unbearable. He was so easily frustrated when things didn't go as quickly as planned.
You remember the first, second, third, one-hundredth time you called your father for money to help finance the business. You remember no matter how big your overtime checks were it wasn't enough. You remember the loans you took out to cover his employees wages ( whom he paid more per hour than you made )You remember the mortgage not getting paid regularly, the utilities being shut off even though you did nothing but work and borrow money?
You remember him saying it was ' our ' business, it was ' our ' future, it would all be worth it for ' us '
You remember never having new clothes, never going to the theatre, never anything for you.
He remembers the business as his idea, starting from the bottom with no help, a man from no where with nothing making good. He remembers the awful shifts you worked and how embarrassed he was in front of his clientele you were ' just' a nurse.
You remember how he introduced you to everyone as his secretary.
He remembers how he had no one who helped him, no one who cared.
You remember doing his taxes, payroll, dealing with his delinquent accounts, dealing with his creditors, taking money from the house for the business, taking criticism from his clients and employees, buying the lunches, cleaning the toilets;office;work shop;trucks, chasing down clients who owed, apologising and making excuses to employees and contractors for late payments.
You remember his temper tantrums, insults and put-downs when you didn't collect money fast enough, when he had to pay too many taxes, when it seemed his employees were paid too much ( even though he set the wages according to who would drink keep secrets for him ).
You remember when he told you not to talk politics/business with his clientele because you were just a nurse who know nothing about the creativity and intelligence of ' his business '. ( he made you park your car far enough away from a clients home so they couldn't see what you drove, and all those hats you loved wearing your whole life? He told you to stop, they made you look stupid and embarrassed him )
You remember when you figured out the friends/employees were stealing from your business, and the beer was rolling in by 9AM instead of noon.
He remembers you becoming too controlling and jelous of his ' friends ' and no longer understood how a business should run.
You remember him telling you to go find some shit to clean, and mind your own fucking business, not his.
He remembers you abandoned the business and him.
You remember having to tell your father about the second smashed truck he gave him for free, for the business.
He remembers your father giving you a car instead of giving him a third.( what was he going to do without a truck? how could he!)
You remember he stopped coming home, and figuring out he was having affairs. You remember when he took your car and never showed up to bring you to work or pick you up although you had to walk through a dark and dangerous area for an hour late at night. He never even called to see if you made it home. ( your fault for working the evening and/or night shift ).
He remembers you were a lazy bitch for not keeping up on his business demands and not being available to party. ( remember? you were boring, unavailable, unexciting, controlling, and embarrassing ?)
He remembers you were nothing like the wonderful, mature women he was associating with through the business and local bars.
You remember when you found out you were pregnant. You knew instinctively it was a boy, you were calling him Ted before you even thought of a name. You couldn't get hold of him on his cell remember? So you left him a card on the table announcing the pregnancy he said would complete his life. The card read " Guess whos in charge now?" with a grinning baby on the front. You wrote Congratulations Papa! and left it on the table with flowers and his dinner.
You remember the whole shift at work, bursting with pride and happiness. You wanted to tell your friends but wouldn't until he knew first. He couldn't even give you that.
You remember not hearing from him that night, you checked the nursing station every hour to see if he called. He didn't. You remember looking out the window close to end of shift realizing he wasn't going to call and probably wasn't going to pick you up. You waited until 1145 when only the night shift remained. You had no cab money, no one to call for a ride and it was -30 that night. You thought of the baby inside you, and decided you wouldn't risk little Ted should something happen to you, so you wouldn't walk home that late. You asked to stay and work the night shift. He didn't call.
You walked home in the morning, found he was passed out in bed and left a note on your card.
" Congratulations but its still me!!!!! "
Exhausted you fell asleep on the couch, woke up two hours later and he was already gone.
You remember all the blood work, ultrasounds, uncertainty and excitement of being a mother....alone. All alone.
He remembers you not pulling your weight with the business and he not having the time to take part in any of those things.
You remember your sweet sisters flying up to build and supply the babies nursery. How excited they were for little Ted, how much they loved him before he was even born. How much they doted on you, so excited for your first baby.
You remember your friends throwing a surprise baby shower with everything else Ted would need.
He remembers those fucking meddlers designing a room in HIS house for HIS kid, babying HIS "wife" and being a nuisance in HIS life and your friends buying a lot of shit you didn't have room for.
You remember late in pregnancy, how exhausted you were renovating the whole house for Teds arrival, working more than full time, putting up with the friends he started bringing home at all hours to drink.
He remembers you became a bitch, made the house look like shit, didn't want sex anymore and had it easy after work running the business because all you had to do was drive the non air-conditioned truck around picking up/ dropping off material and deal constantly with the banks and CRA. He had to do all the real difficult stuff and got no appreciation for it.
You remember looking through the books at that time, how sometimes four times per day his bank statement showed huge bar tabs. Almost every night bar tabs. Into the early hours of the morning bar tabs. You remember he spent more in the bars in one week than you made in a month.
He remembers they were all business expenses, and it wasn't easy for him to put up with those customers and if you were around more it wouldn't happen.
He remembers you knew how much he couldn't be at home alone when you chose to work so much.
You remember calling and driving around looking for him almost every night for years. you were to blame for the DUIs because you insisted he come home at least three times per week.
You remember when Ted was born. You went into labour and he was confused because he had a very important meeting it would disrupt.
You remember he drove you to the hospital and while you screamed during contractions he turned the stereo up. He made you walk across the parking lot into the hospital. You were so brave and excited, even when you reached for his hand and he chose to walk three feet in front of you, you concentrated on meeting little Ted. The labour lasted many hours, there were problems and you were so sad when they rushed you into emergency surgery and were told they would have to put you out for the birth. He was agitated when they told him to gown up, he thought he could leave. You remember him saying, ' I'm tired too you know! You got to lay down and I had to sit in a recliner for 8 hours. Haven't even had a cigarette. How do you think I feel ? Its rough on me too."
You remember he insisted Ted be written Theodore on his birth certificate and be called Theodore or Theo only. He hated the name Ted. ( you still call him Ted. XOXO )
He remembers and brags he was the first one to hold our baby.
He left the hospital shortly after. He returned only twice. Once with his friend, both of whom had been drinking. The last time to pick you up, complaining he was hung over.
You remember coming home with little Ted and he and his friends had done some renovations. Dried paint all over the floor, messy house......
You remember all those baby pictures of him and Ted, there is only five of you. You were the only one taking pictures.
He remembers you throwing his drunk friends out of the house days later at 3AM.
He remembers what a controlling bitch motherhood made you.
You remember how he hated that you breast fed, how he hated hearing how uncomfortable it was ( he hated when you complained about anything )He told everyone you weren't producing enough breast milk and starving Ted. He said the way you dressed him was ridiculous.
( remember when he said you were sick in the head for constantly listening to the baby monitor and constantly checking on Ted at night?)
You remember how crushed you were at the thought you may be hurting Ted ; you remember the stress and anguish when people started coming forward telling you he couldn't and wasn't going to be the father you think he will. You isolated from them all when you needed them the most. ( cause you promised Ted a father and a family )
You remember having to return to work from maternity early, remember how you cried ( alone ) at the thought of leaving Ted for even an hour? Your friends helped with him so he wouldn't have to be in a day care so young.
He remembers you were overprotective and delusional.
You remember thinking he was jelous of Ted.
You remember he took no part in appointments, meetings, daycare or any arrangement involving Ted, but you do recall the one and only time he took him swimming at the pool. He knew you were terrified of water and while you were filming him he totally immersed Ted under water. You panicked, he was angry with you and said " fuck it, I wont take him to his lessons again if you're gonna freak out."
He didn't. Nine years he took Ted to two soccer practices. Never attended his school for any reason, nor any extracurricular activities, birthday parties.... nothing. Never made it home early for easter, Halloween, or even Christmas. Remember? you did all the shopping for your family, his family...shipped it all off, Teds shopping...all the wrapping, decorating....alone.
You and Ted alone.
He remembers you not wanting him there, of conspiring with friends and family; and having boyfriends the whole time.
You remember when Ted was almost a year old and for his birthday you promised him a house in a beautiful area.
You got that for him, it was hard and scary, seemingly impossible but you kept your promise. You bought a pretty, brand new bungalow in the suburbs. Your first house, your first accomplishment. Done on your own, against the odds. All for little Ted. You have so many pictures of Ted in that house, even before the furniture was moved in.
He remembers what a selfish bitch you were, moving him further away from the business so he would have to sit in traffic. His friends wouldn't drive that far to visit and I better be prepared for him not being around much. I better be prepared to take care of 'that' house on my own. He set the rules. " From now on the business is all mine and 'that' house is all yours!!!"
I was so proud of you that day! You remember because you were too.
Remember how he crushed you? You came home and he had ripped all the carpet out a month later? he and his drunk friends were going to put in hardwood ? Your dog was dying and sick, the noise and hammering throughout the night was frightening the dog. You, Ted and the dog slept together in the far bedroom trying to drown out the noise; hammering, drunken laughing and screaming, music... He was claiming his territory wasn't he? They didn't finish it properly and as he continued to do throughout the next eight years left the house in disrepair, constant ' renovation' and neglect. Your pretty little bungalow became your prison. The mortgage, damages, problems, all kept you tied. Whoever thought the house you had built on dreams for Ted would become the very thing keeping you in a nightmare.
He remembers without HIM you wouldn't have that fuckin house and besides its his too, its now his investment and so what? everybody he knows has better!
You remember confirming his 'first' affair ( you knew there were others but he convinced you there had to be proof )He cried, blamed her, blamed you, swore it wouldn't happen again, he was sick, demented, depressed. blah, blah, blah.
( You promised Ted a father damn it! Deal with it right?)
You remember telling him,the next time it'll kill you spiritually.
He remembers you didn't love him anymore, wouldn't have sex with him anymore, the relationship wasn't right because all your time was with Ted, you lost interest in the business........
You remember when you started feeling sick, years later. You started bleeding, lost twenty pounds ( you were only 95 to begin with ), the headaches, vomiting, no sleep, no food, felt you couldn't breath. Panic attacks, constant anxiety...then the depression. The wrong medications, the doctors, the specialists, the operations, the tests....the absolute despair. You had to go on disability, he wanted all your spare time " you don't need to sleep or eat, you don't even have a fuckin job....try putting in the hours I do. House is a fucking mess...no fuckin money....FUCK YOU. YOU SKINNY SICK BITCH....LOOK AT YOU! FUCKING PIG!!!!! I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE A STUPID CUNT AND PROVE IT EVERYDAY!!!!"
Remember before you were diagnosed? You started bleeding simultaneously from every orfice of your body.
He called an ambulance ( and demands recognition for that )you refused to go, you were bleeding to death but refused to go because you couldn't leave him, drunk, with Ted alone. A neibour took Ted before you passed out, so you let go. He didn't come in the ambulance. He had a beer with the neibours making sure everyone knew how ' troubled' he was about it. Then he drove your car drunk to the hospital and brought friends with him. That was the only time he would ever come to the hospital or any doctors appointment, or even ask the diagnosis. You thought you were dying ( you wished for a brief moment didn't you?)
You remember why. You had found out about the last 15 years of your relationship. It was all lies, there were always other women, prostitutes he brought into your home,a homosexual encounter with his male friend who had been your one confidant ( all unprotected sex ), the criminal activities, the drug use. He used you, and you allowed him to use your child to limit your choices, you allowed him to use your family and friends, you allowed him to use your house ( the only thing you hadn't lost....yet. )
HE USED YOU, and you loved him unconditionally throughout. You became people you hated to love him.
NOTHING was real but your pain.
He remembers you took him off your life insurance policy, he was late for his back tattoo the next day and he called the ambulance.
You remember no one could help you. You feared for your few friends because they feared and despised him. Your neibours feared and despised him. Your mother almost died, and your father diagnosed with cancer.( you couldn't involve them!) After police became involved, evicted him from your house, put a restraining order on him for his physical abuse and death threats....you had to tell the truth. You thought you were going to die or he was going to kill you. You couldn't have Ted see either.
You told, I am so proud of you....you TOLD. How sick you really were, how afraid you really were, how sick he really was. ( Ted will forgive you for not keeping this ' family' together )
You remember looking in the mirror, 74 pounds, your hair falling out, a rash all over your face, blood from your nose and mouth...so weak you could barely stand. And you cried, remember you put your hands over your face like a child and cried for everything.
Do you remember when you finally figured it all out?
I do, when your dog of eighteen years; Ziggy, became ill at twenty-years-old the devastation was more than you could take. Ziggy was with you through it all, your best friend, Teds protector. Ziggy was there from the beginning. You took Ziggy in after hearing she had tried rescuing a baby from a house fire which in turn burned and disfigured her fur growth for life ( you thought it made her more beautiful) She loved Pepsi, sunflower seeds and babies. For some reason hated Dalmations!) You loved that dog with a terrifying intensity. He said he did too. Ziggy loved him. When Ziggy became ill after 18 years of complete devotion and adoration. He turned on her. He hated her for being incontinent. He hated she couldn't chew her food properly and would vomit. He hated she couldn't stand some days. Ziggy embarrassed him. When he went out of town do you remember him telling you when he came back that fucking dog better be dead?
Dear, sweet Ziggy became simply ' that fucking dog '.
He doesn't remember how much you loved her ( and never cared ) He wasn't there when you started smoking again after quitting for five years the day you had to put her down. He wasn't there when you took her to McDonalds for her last cola and hamburger. He didn't see you crying so hard you couldn't stop for an hour when she couldn't eat it. He didn't see you turn the car around and head back home three times before you brought her in. He didn't ask that you held her paw in your hand when she was given the injection or know you thanked her for being your best friend and told her to please wait for you when your time came, that you would need her. He didn't hear you tell her to be a good girl for the last time. He doesn't know you are sure when you told her to let go, she thanked you with her eyes.
He didn't ask, didn't know, didn't care.
He doesn't remember how it affected Ted either.
Ziggy was sick, a burden, of no more use. He got another dog right after ( against your wishes ) and never asked about her again.
Yes, sick Heather, you remember the day....five years after Ziggy you looked in the mirror and knew.

Jul 20 - 12PM
Luckyescape
Luckyescape's picture

Dear Ziggy

Jul 5 - 12PM
mikelle
mikelle's picture

Ziggy I'm in shock and pain

Jun 13 - 5AM
GettingBackTo M
GettingBackTo M's picture

Dear Ziggy

Jun 13 - 6AM (Reply to #11)
ziggy
ziggy's picture

Please do post your story. I

Jun 13 - 6AM (Reply to #12)
GettingBackTo M
GettingBackTo M's picture

Posting my story

Jun 12 - 6PM
brinamarie
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Crying right now... Im a

Jun 12 - 9PM (Reply to #9)
ziggy
ziggy's picture

Thank you for being a

Jun 12 - 7AM
Hunter
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Welcome to Narcville!Hunter

Jun 12 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
ziggy
ziggy's picture

Yes...." .....We all float

Jun 12 - 5AM
Journey
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Wow, I'm crying right now,

Journey on...

Jun 12 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
ziggy
ziggy's picture

Strange how they all manage

Jun 16 - 1AM (Reply to #5)
evergreen
evergreen's picture

Thankyou so much for sharing

Jun 12 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
spinning
spinning's picture

Dearest ziggy...

spinning

Jun 12 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
ziggy
ziggy's picture

Thank you, but the courts