confused and heartbroken
It has been eight weeks since a near-miss with a nervous breakdown. In fact, I am depressed, confused and in a lot of pain. I have been medicated and see two mental health professionals for what I call "I feel like I have been in a car accident" I was a successful businessman and was experiencing the economic downturn. I had lost one business and the other two were in dire straights. I also had just lost someone very close to me whom I adored (she was a relative that died at 96, and I was having a problem with one of my adult children who was assaulted. I was suicidal. I had a friend, lets call her Gail. She became a very intense lover and "spiritual gift" to me two years ago. I am humbled at the events of my life in the past 24 months. I met Gail through mutual friends almost 7 years ago. Gail always liked me and flirted with me unabashedly. We loved each others' company. I gave in to her constant attentions and felt like I had not only a friend, but someone who told me that she loved me, my company and made me feel like I had met someone of truly divine proportions. She told me that she had watched me for years, had two plastic surgeries getting "ready" for me and saw that the time was right for her to make her move. Oh BTW, she was sensuous, beautiful and one of the most stunning creatures that I have ever known. And now she and I were in the throes of the most powerful, exciting, mind-blowing relationship imaginable!. I felt (even though I had been with my loving wife for 36 years) that I had met someone who not only understood me, but was everything that I could possibly imagine, including having a powerful libido to match my own. She and I agreed that we belonged together and I made the first move to end my marriage and spend my life with my soul-mate. I was happier than I had EVER been in my life. She was a powerful woman with a fabulous job and she simply adored me. Sex with Gail was a spiritual experience and I had had plenty of sex in my life.
I was floored at the "connection that we shared.We simply
could not get enough of each other. She told me that she had waited her entire life for me! We found a place to live together and everything was intensly incredible.. Then things changed at about 13 months into the relationship.(when we found a place to live and I moved out of my home) She began making excuses for not making the move and not telling her husband that she was leaving him. She assured me that she had not had any intimacy with her husband for seven months now and.... I could not even dream to have sex with anyone else (my spouse).(this is when I moved out)in order to devote myself fully to Gail.She denied having sex with her husband for 19 of the 23 months we were "together"
What happened next was that she simply withdrew and had some health issues. These (I later found out) were greatly exaggerated in order to deny me any intimacy and....then Gail was no longer "there" with me. She came to be with me every day after work, but always went home to her family...but....Gail constantly reinforced that "she wanted to be with me, she loved me as she had not loved another and that she was faithful to me. Of course, my gut instinct told me something different. When we discussed her lack of action, she blamed her health, or work or finances...Every time I spoke of stopping and getting "real" she would ask me not to abandon her, not to leave her that she was weak and things would get better. She made statements of her devotion that I now find humiliating.
My humiliation in the face of what she constantly denied to me became so frustrating that I broke it off. Oh...she would NEVER break it off, she told me that I HAD TO DO IT. That she loved and adored me and was not only faithful, but that we WOULD be TOGETHER. I was so distraught at having to end my relationship with her that I became emotionally detached and sick. I realized that she NEVER MADE GOOD ON ANY OF HER PROMISES.The strange part during these last eight months was that I found myself looking to her FOR THE TRUTH about my life... that was anything but happy. I was living alone, sleeping alone, had no sex of any kind for 7 months oh..and that I really could not believe ANYTHING that she told me. Every one of my friends and family shunned me and wanted to know how I could have fallen for such a woman...THEY KNEW WHAT SHE WAS!!! I NEVER SAW IT UNTIL ALMOST THE END. I was so conflicted between what she told me and what she did, that I almost ended my own life!!!
And...in the beginning, she also bragged to me about how promiscuous she was,(in her PAST of course, not NOW) how she had been having affairs for 25 years of her 25 year marriage and that SHE HAD NEVER BEEN FAITHFUL TO EITHER OF HER HUSBANDS OR BOYFRIENDS. (her first husband was deceased.) YES, we had also those conversations that you will ask me about...."how do I know I am not another affair" the answer...."you are different, I have found my soul-mate, I have stopped looking for that endless complete man"
Well I finally called her a liar and told her that her constant contradictions were killing me...but I really and truly loved and adored this woman and I MADE EXCUSES FOR HER!!! I was an idiot...oh I did not tell you I have two college degrees and I am ANYTHING BUT NAIVE.
I simply loved and adored Gail and would do anything to help her through her health issues,
I was the needy one in the beginning, but as soon as she had my unconditional love....the Gail that I knew became a quiet, withdrawn, depressed woman. She never combed her hair or washed it more than once a week, and she would get uncomfortable when I told her that my needs were not being met. She told me that it was not all about me!!!! She also told me that she did not give me anything and she wondered why I still was with her!!! Oh...but talk about a break-up....never, she WANTED ME SHE WANTED TO LIVE WITH ME, she was just....inadequate.
Fast forward to the last day together...I told her that I would tell my wife and HER HUSBAND about EVERYTHING...she did not believe me...I followed through on my promise (as I always have) and her husband told me that he did not believe me...that Gail was just "helping" me, that I WAS LYING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP!!!
What is most devastating is that she had even lied to me about "telling her husband" about us and fabricating the fallout from the traumatic event months earlier, when I thought that she was "well" enough to join me in our home that we had chosen to live in together.I spent almost every day with Gail, even on work nights, I fixed her car, her home, helped her with anything she needed, and was happy to do it. I had been lied to, deceived, manipulated and NOW SHE WAS ANGRY THAT I TOLD HER HUSBAND!!!! especially about the sex part. I told the truth...and it did not match ANYTHING even close to reality..
I still miss her,(what a fool am I) she told me that she was sorry that she ruined my life and that she is devastated by what she had done....I want to know, because I HAVE NEVER HAD A CONVERSATION WITH HER SINCE..."what does she think she did?" She knew that she was deceiving me and reinforcing the lies FOR 2 YEARS.
Gut instinct, intuition???Yes I have it...but I gave myself 100% to Gail and I ALLOWED her to nearly destroy me.
Of course there is MUCH more to tell, but what I am experiencing is "cognitive dissonance" and I am a very sick man. How could the most incredible woman I have ever loved be a total fake..BTW she told me that her husband was a Narcissist. Projection??? What really hurts is that all my love letters, devotions, energy and selfless investment was given to a cold, cruel, soul-less woman that never even cried when we parted ways, she was eerily stoic. I should have listened to her when she told me that "she was inadequate" what she really meant was that she is INCAPABLE of loving and that I was a game. She even told me that "she thought that I would have made her work harder for me" She was playing a sadistic game all along and I was the pawn.She was the best actor that I have EVER SEEN!!!! But I still have messed-up doubts that she was "real" some of the time!!! How could someone who professed to love me more than anyone in the world (except her children) turn out to be a monster of unthinkable proportions?? How could she have done this to me, the one "best friend" she professed to having..EVER?? How could she come to see me and be with me every night and on the weekends and be so insincere? Why did I believe her for so long? Why was I so STUPID???
OK, enough, I am barely surviving, I can't concentrate on anything and..God help me I still miss her. I pray every day that I will be able to stop thinking about her and get my life back, but I am so confused... What the hell happened to ME?
Thank you for your book, Lisa, it still frightens me to know what Gail was, but I am getting better..I think.It has only been eight weeks and I am a mess.