First I'd like to thank Lisa for starting this site as well as Hunter, Goldie and Spinning for all of their wisdom.
I'm almost too ashamed to tell my story (which is LONG) because given the nature of the relationship I had with my ex Narcissist, I feel as if I brought all of the pain and misery onto myself.
I'll start off by saying that I am Bipolar. I was diagnosed with the illness in 2005 and have been in therapy and on medication ever since. I've been hospitalized 3 times for suicide attempts and have spent time in a psychiatric ward as well.
There are many symptoms of Bipolar Disorder..one of them being promiscuity. That seems to be the symptom I struggle with the most which may explain why it was so easy for me to fall into the Alternative/Swinger lifestyle. I wouldn't say that I'm a nymphomaniac..far from it..but I'm a very sexual being.
I'm really not the type to go to swingers clubs so I ended up joining a website called Adult Friend Finder.com to meet people. I met men, women, couples. But mostly men. Most of the men I met were actually nice, believe it or not and there were no emotional attachments to them whatsoever. There were one or two that I became romantically involved with ( I know..what was I thinking!?) but they didn't work out, not surprisingly. I decided to take a break from the site for awhile but then my urges started to kick in again so I rejoined about 2 years ago. I hooked up with one guy but it was strictly sexual, no emotional attachment (on my end anyway). Then I met my ex Narcissist on there. We didn't hook up right away. We ended up chatting every night for about 2 weeks via Yahoo IM. Given the circumstances of how we met, the conversations were somewhat sexual in nature, but it wasn't the sole focus. He actually came off as rather charming. He had a very endearing nature about him. He was extremely funny and seemed to show an interest in me beyond just hooking up for a sexual encounter. During our conversations we asked each other just what it was we were looking for. I wasn't interested in a relationship at the time and neither was he. So there was a mutual understanding that we were just interested in hooking up and having fun.
So finally we were able to schedule a date to meet face to face for coffee to see if there really was a mutual interest there. We met in Times Square. When I actually saw him face to face, I was mesmerized. He looked even more handsome in person than he did in the photos that he sent me online. He had been a little late getting there but he explained that the trains were rerouted so he missed his stop. I knew that was true because here in NYC the transit system is always doing track work and rerouting the trains. We tried to go to two different Starbucks locations but both were crowded so we decided to get lunch instead.
Once we sat down he proceeded to tell me how he used to work for Apple as an Administrative Assistant but they decided to close their NY Headquarters. He said he was offered a position in Sales/Retail as a manager but he turned them down (which now I realize he felt was beneath him..more on that later). So he decided to go back to college for accounting and had just received his Bachelors degree a few months prior to us meeting. He attended classes all year, even in Summer so he actually graduated in 2 years instead of 4. So now he was in the process of seeking employment but due to the recession he was having difficulty finding a job. He also had luggage with him which he informed me was because he was taking a bus trip down to Virginia after our date to visit family and check out a few job prospects. We talked about encounters we both had with other people from the website. He was doing most of the talking the entire time because I was too mesmerized by the way he was talking and his handsome looks. We were at the restaurant for two hours when I had to remind him that he had a bus to catch for his trip . We walked to the subway station together and he got on the train with me. Turns out he was going in the wrong direction and had to get off pronto. I laughed at him and he gave me a kiss on the lips and went on his way.
After that date, I found myself thinking about this man day and night. He called me and sent me texts the entire time he was down in VA telling me he was thinking about me and how he really enjoyed our date and how he couldn't wait to get back to NY so he could see me again. Now mind you we STILL hadn't "hooked up" at this point. He came back to NY about a week later, and we quickly made arrangements for me to come to his apartment in Manhattan that weekend.He informed me that he shared the apartment with his brother but his brother would be out of town. I asked him if it would be okay for me to stay the night because I didn't want to ride the subway at night. He said " Of course." It turns out that it was his birthday weekend. We went out for dinner and had a great conversation as usual. During the course of the conversation, I happened to mention that I had forgotten to bring my medication with me and needed to take it at a certain time. When he asked me what the medication was for I told him that I was a little apprehensive to say because I was afraid that I might scare him off, but he assured me it would be okay, so I confessed to him that I was Bipolar. I asked him if he was familiar with the disease and he said that he was vaguely familiar but he asked me to explain what it was all about. I felt so comfortable being around him that I didn't hesitate. So after our conversation we decided to leave and HE paid for dinner which I felt so guilty about considering it was his birthday. We went back to his apartment and immediately got started on what I came there for. It was the most mind blowing sex I've had in a long time. It was if he was so in tune with my body. He knew exactly what to do. It lasted all night. So when we woke up the next morning, I was expecting him to tell me that he had something to do and that I had to go..he didn't. We actually had more mind blowing sex and then we sat in his bed and talked for what seem like hours. I told him that I had to go and got ready and was all set to get on the subway when I realized that the trains may have been rerouted and I might have difficulty getting home. He immediately offered to give me a ride back to Queens in his brother's car which I gladly accepted. We had a very nice chat on the ride home and he gave me a very nice and sensual kiss before we said our goodbyes when we arrived at my home. He asked me to come back to his apartment the next week. That's when he introduced me to his brother.
It seems like things definitely picked up from there. We were talking and texting and on Yahoo IM all day and all night. We would be on the phone sometimes for hours. Sometimes I wouldn't get to bed until 6am after talking to him starting at 9 or 10pm. We talked about everything and anything. Suddenly I found myself at his apartment every weekend for the entire weekend. We would go out on dates. I was taking the subway at first, he knew I had a car so he convinced me that it would make more sense to drive instead which I did. We were both still interested in swinging so at my suggestion we decided to do it together as a "couple". We would be a "couple" but it would be an "open relationship". We were free to see whomever we wanted outside of us but we had to make each other aware of anyone else we were seeing. It was at that point that I noticed things started to change.
I was only interested in swinging on occasion. Everything seemed to be going well at first. I was more interested in spending time with him whenever I came to spend the weekend with him, but it seemed like the more I came over to spend the weekend with him the more obsessed he became with hooking up with various women and couples. Every weekend he was putting up an ad on Craigslist or spending all night on Adult Friend Finder (we established a joint account) .It didn't bother me at first but then he began dictating who we would hook up with. If he didn't find the person(s) attractive (namely females) then he refused. But if I didn't find the person(s) attractive, he would get upset and tell me that I had no taste. He would basically run a guilt trip on me to get me to hook up with people I didn't want to hook up with. I felt like I was being pimped out. I had two male friends who knew about my lifestyle and when I voiced my complaints about it, they told me I had every right to speak up about it but I knew he was going to accuse me of not caring about what he wanted so I kept my mouth shut. It got to the point where every time he put out an ad on Craigslist or sent someone an email on Adult Friend Finder I would be so relieved when we didn't get a response.
There were also other things that would come up in conversations that made me very uncomfortable, I knew they were red flags but I chose to ignore them. When I asked him about his past relationships and why they didn't work out, he, of course blamed it all on his exes. There were three or four instances that stood out to me: He dated a woman with three children..now this man claimed to love children. She wanted a monogamous relationship with him which he agreed to but being a single mother of young children (as you ladies know) it's very hard to find someone to babysit so most of the time you're unable to go out like everyone else could. He didn't like this one bit. He ended things with her saying "She knew that I was the type who likes to go out. She shouldn't have asked me for a commitment if she knew she wouldn't be able to go anywhere." Then there was the time when I asked him if he had ever been in love before. He told me yes and that it was with a woman down in North Carolina that he was trying to maintain a long distance relationship with. He told me that he made a surprise visit to her home one weekend and that everything was going great until she had to do something to ruin it. I asked him what that was he told me that they went to a bar one evening (this was before the smoking ban) and that there were people smoking near them. The had already ordered drinks but since he can't stand the smell of cigarette smoke he wanted to leave. And because she asked if she could just finish her drink first, he became very upset because he had to wait for her outside the bar. He told me that he was upset the remainder of the weekend and when he got back to NY he never called her again. I couldn't believe it. Another story he told me was about how he was dating a single mother (who had epilepsy) and he planned to take her down to VA to meet his family. The day they were scheduled to leave he got a parking ticket which "pissed him off", then when he went to pick her up from her apartment she wasn't ready so he had to wait for her which pissed him off even more because now because of HER they were running late. I didn't realize what he was doing at the time but he basically gave her the silent treatment from NY to the NJ Turnpike. Because she had no idea what was going on she kept asking him what was wrong...his words: "If you see that I'm not talking to you then obviously I don't want to talk. Continuing to ask me what's wrong is going to make me more upset". He asked her if there was someone who could come pick her up from NJ and dropped her off at the nearest rest stop and proceeded to make the trip down to VA. He didn't call her either. I couldn't believe it. When I asked him if he saw nothing wrong with that he said " No." That's it. Just " No".
He was also a misogynist. Everything was "You women are all the same", " Women do this.." or " I think all women are Bipolar" Yes, he would make fun of or belittle my illness on a regular basis while at the same time acting like he was so concerned by asking me if I was taking my meds (sometimes he'd ask me that sarcastically if I said something he didn't like).
And he was addicted to porn. He would be on the computer all night sometimes while I was sitting right there looking at porn or whenever we were in bed together, while I'm trying to go to sleep, he's watching porn.
One night when we're having sex, he blurts out that he loves me...TWICE. I say it back because at that point it was true..but at the same time I'm confused because he would always go out of his way to remind me that we are "Friends with benefits" and we are "not in a relationship" at least once a month.
The silent treatment and verbal abuse was like second nature to him. If he felt slighted in the least bit whether it be me "interrupting him" when he was talking (little did he realize that he was talking so damn much he'd never let me get a word in edgewise) I'd would get silence. Or when I did or said something he didn't like I'd get silence. One time he gave me the silent treatment for a whole week while he went down to VA because I had the nerve to ask him what was wrong when he copped an attitude with me for reasons unknown. He only spoke to me again when I sent him an email apologizing like an idiot.
During a weekend where he was planning his mother's surprise birthday party I got verbally assaulted and the silent treatment for every little thing the entire weekend while he put on the happy exterior for his family. I felt like crying. When I was leaving his apartment at the end of the weekend and wouldn't let him carry my bags to the car..he copped an attitude and when I said " You DO know why I'm upset, don't you? You had an attitude with me ALL WEEKEND!" His response " Yes, but that's because I had to THINK for you!" And after going at it for 30 minutes..I ended up apologizing to HIM. He says before I leave to go home "If you keep doing this, you're going to push me away"
He accessed my iPhone when I wasn't aware and took a snapshot of a text conversation I had with one of my friends to see what we were saying about him. When I found out about it and confronted him, he didn't feel sorry one bit. No apology. His excuse was he knew if he'd come straight out and asked me what I said, I wouldn't be forthcoming. He said " I have ways of finding things out"
He also read my personal emails and asked me if I was talking shit about him to my friends and asked me if I f***ked someone else behind his back. He told me details about all of my emails. He says "I told you before, I have ways of finding things out." Then he says, " I lied, you forgot to sign off on your email account". It turns out that night he confronted me that I actually did. I was so fed up with his mistreatment of me that I hooked up with someone else and DIDN'T inform him about it. I lied about where I was that night. So I confessed because I didn't know what he did or did not know. And I told him exactly why I did it. He lost it. He told me not to touch him. At this point I'm , crying, begging and pleading for him not to dump me. He tells me that I can stay the night but as soon as morning comes to pack my shit and get the F***K OUT!! I want to leave right then and there. I start packing and when he sees this is asks me "WHERE ARE YOU GOING!?" I tell him that I'm going home. He orders me to go back into the living room. He tells me that as long as I'm with him he's responsible for me and that I can't go home because I'm in no state to drive. If something happens to me then he has to explain it to everyone. I stay but I'm miserable. I was going to sleep on the couch but he tells me to come to bed. I happened to have a cold that weekend so he tells going to sleep on the opposite end of the bed because he doesn't want me to make him sick. He can't afford to get sick in case he has a job interview to go on. The next day after I apologize..AGAIN, he has a change of heart, walks me to my car and wants me to call him and let him know how I'm doing. I'm shocked..but I agree.
It doesn't take long for us to start seeing each other and naturally things start off nice but then I realized that things haven't changed one bit. The selfish, the insults, the silent treatment..it's all still there. Even our sex life changed..we went from having sex all weekend to the point where I was lucky if I even had sex with him once during the weekend.
Things came to a head this past Valentines Day weekend. Everything started off great. I sent him a Valentines Day card, he surprised me on Valentines Day by driving all the way to Queens to deliver roses to me. I was absolutely thrilled. I went to his place for the weekend he took me out to dinner, to the movies. It was great. Until I got up one day to get on his computer and took it out of sleep mode. As soon as it came on there was his dating profile on TAGGED staring me right in the face. He forgot to sign off. I waited for him to go take a shower and did what he did..started digging. I found messages exchanged between him and several women with him using the same line on every one. The messages were from November to the last one being that weekend. It dawned on me that every weekend I came over and he was up all night on the computer until 6am, he was chatting it up with other women. I left his apartment that Monday without saying anything but it was killing me. I had to say something. So I tried calling him twice that night...no answer. I tried to contact him on Yahoo to let him know that we needed to talk. Never heard from him. So I contacted him via email to let him know what I discovered.
I told him that I know what the situation is between us but all that I ask is that when I'm with him he focus on me and not on other women. Big mistake. I get a nasty response telling me that he doesn't remember giving me permission to set the rules in our relationship and that my behavior proves that I'm not mature enough for an open relationship or any relationship..take care of myself. This time I was the one that lost it. Instead of crying and begging this time, I let him have it. I call him out on his bull, especially considering how he violated my privacy..I brought this up to him three times during that argument and how I basically let him get away with it without even an apology. He told me I had a lot of nerve talking about violating someone's privacy, about how the messages I saw with those women were old, how I've brought nothing but drama to the relationship, how I F***ED another man behind his back, and on and on it went. Until I told him to give me back my belongings and that was all that I wanted from him.
After all that, it felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest. I couldn't understand how someone could just toss me like a piece of garbage and say it was all MY fault.
Unfortunately, at the time of our break up I didn't realize that this was Narcissistic Behavior so I made the mistake of trying to reach out to him via email and text after almost 2 months. Needless to say, he treated me like crap. He sent me a nasty reply to my one and only text, wouldn't take my calls and ignored my email that I sent having one final say just to let him know that being with him was unhealthy and that I should've ended things a long time ago. At the same time I also mistakenly said that I still cared about him and wished him the best ( I could smack myself for that, knowing what I know now).
What makes me so angry with myself is that I still feel something for this man in spite of knowing that he doesn't give a damn about me. Knowing that he's talking crap about me to his NW and his family. I knew when he discarded me that he was working on his NW that same night.
I apologize for my story being so long, but I just had to get it out. And as I mentioned given the nature of my relationship with him to begin with, I question if I brought this all on myself.