I wrote this for myself and did not plan on sending it but since you never will understand or feel remorse for what you do, maybe at least hearing it will give you an idea of how you hurt others.
It’s been almost eight weeks. Two months since everything I thought to be true was actually a lie. I think I was in shock after the final fight that ended it all. I don’t know why I would be. The drunken texts telling each other how much we basically were disgusted by the other. It had all started to become a normal part of our relationship. After the last fight I started to wake up and realize that I was not being who I wanted to be. I have never treated anyone like this and no one has ever treated me like this before. What had I become? And most importantly who were you? How could anyone that proclaimed to love me say the things you said to me? Why would I want to continue to be in a relationship with someone that treated me this way?
It came to me that Sunday night as I laid there upset replaying the events from the night before in the back of my mind. I think it was a sign from God because it came from nowhere. Narcissist. Look up narcissist, Ashley, and it will all make sense. And so I did. My initial reaction was shock, confusion, denial, then anger. As it began to sink in over the next few days I knew without a doubt that this was the reason why I felt so up and down with you all the time. Why I started to feel like I was losing my mind. These are the narcissist traits I see in you that stuck out in my mind but you have nearly ALL of them: reacting to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation; exagerrating own importance, achievements, and talents; imagining unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence, or romance; requiring constant attention and positive reinforcement from others; becoming jealous easily; lacking empathy and disregarding the feelings of others; being obsessed with self; pursuing mainly selfish goals; trouble keeping healthy relationships; becoming easily hurt and rejected; setting goals that are unrealistic; wanting "the best" of everything; appearing unemotional; displaying dominance, arrogance, and showing superiority.
My heart was broken because I knew that it had to be over. I knew who you were. You fit the traits of this personality disorder to a “T”. Narcissists are not capable of loving anyone but themselves. That was and still is a tough thing for me to realize. You never did love me. It was all a game to you. That is why you could cheat on me and send me the video. I never meant a thing to you. I was simply someone to help stroke your ego that narcissists desperately need stroked, whether it be good or bad. I remember being confused when I contacted you only three days after you cheated and you didn’t seem to be totally on board with working it out. You wouldn’t even allow me to talk about it. Truth is I know that you were lying. I know that you did sleep with her now. I trusted that you were telling me the truth before when you said you didn’t but I know in my heart that is a lie. And from our drunken texts when you said if I only knew, I also know that there must have been many others. I feel so ashamed at myself for putting my body at risk when I was with you. Most importantly I am so ashamed that I did forgive you. That I loved you that much to set my own feelings aside. When that happened, when that video was sent to me, a small part of me died inside. I really thought I meant something to you and that my kids meant something to you. I couldn’t imagine someone telling me that they wanted to marry me, that I needed to sell my house, and we would find and later build a place of our own. I will never understand how you could do that to me. How you could never truly feel anything for me yet be ok with destroying my life like that. I never deserved it.
Initially when I looked back at our relationship I thought about the negative. You never asked about me, my birthday, my parents, how many siblings I have, the name of the place I work, my middle name….all of the things that many people get out of the way the first few times they talk. I thought about how I became isolated from my friends, I began to pay for more things than I should have. I remembered your daughter that you don’t see and how that situation doesn’t add up. I wonder if the mother knows what you are too and has ran away from you. I wonder about your current financial situation. You lie about how much you make. I know that. I never cared but for some reason you had to lie. Narcissists are pathological liars. That was also tough for me to absorb. You can do no wrong. Everything is a set up. It was a set up that you got a girl pregnant long ago, it was a set up that you cheated on me, it was a set up that the key was “taken” in Key West, it was a set up that you got a speeding ticket in Georgia. You accept no responsibility for anything. You yelled at me, you talked down to me, you treated me like shit. And in the end you tossed me away like I am a piece of trash.
I think that has hurt me the most. The silent treatment, the indifference. I look at it as a blessing now but it was hard for me to understand at first. You texted me a bunch on a Sunday claiming you missed me and wanted to see me. The thing is I had already discovered what you were and it scared me. To this day I will never understand it but I reached out to you four days later and you had already forgotten me. I was nothing to you. But then again I always was nothing to you. I know that you had already moved on looking for someone else to feed your ego. That’s also what narcissists do. And that is why you have not contacted me since. You have enough of other people feeding your ego that you don’t need me. I know you have not given me a second thought and that hurts so badly…to feel like garbage. To have invested my everything into someone that thought nothing of me.
You said my texts scared you. It’s because it’s true and you know it. I know exactly who and what you are. You have no soul. Truth is I feel so bad for you. I sent you the email at Easter because in some sick way I felt that it didn’t matter. That I loved you and that should be enough. The reality of the situation had never truly sunk in though. You never loved me. You are not capable of loving anyone. You are only here on this earth to hurt others. This is what motivates you. I hurt for you that you will never be able to have a happy life. It’s a fact. You can never change.
I have been very damaged by all of this. I know in the end I will be better for it but I would not wish what has happened or the way that I have felt on my worst enemy. I have never felt so hurt, alone, abandoned, and worthless as I have over these last two months. I gave you my everything and it meant absolutely nothing to you. I am moving on. I have many things in my life to be happy about but it’s going to take a long time to fill that empty void in my heart that you left. I mourn for the person that I thought you were, not the person that you are. I actually enjoy being alone and able to do whatever I want. I’ve become so busy that I don’t have time to even think about relationships. I tried dating but I actually realized that I don’t want to right now. I am happy just being me and developing new friendships and learning and going on new adventures with them. I am too content right now to be bothered by men. My focus is on God, my kids, myself, and my friends.
Our relationship was over before it began. You were never my future. I’m excited about my future and its endless possibilities for I am a smart, pretty, loveable, fun, exciting, witty, and down to earth girl that only deserves the best in life. God has big things planned for me and I have big things planned for myself. I am not trash. I am loved by so many people. I am choosing very carefully who I allow into my life. Only those that enhance my life are the ones that I will choose to spend my time with.
I know I never hear from you again and I hope I never see you again. I will never entertain the thought of having anything to do with you since I know what you are and how you've treated me. No amount of time can pass that will make how you've treated me better. I will never be able to forget how you've made me feel. You disgust me. I’ve changed my phone number, deleted every picture, every text, blocked you on FB, and after this email you will be blocked from it as well. My purpose for this message was not to get a response from you. I don’t want one. I don’t need one. It is solely to help me heal. I have promised myself that if I ever try to think about you again then I’m going to remind myself of a bible verse: Jeremiah 29:11 ESV / For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. There are days now where I think about you very little. It won’t be long before you will be a distant memory, a life lesson that I will push out of my mind for good.
As I said in the beginning, I wrote this more for me than you but maybe in my healing through all of this it will help me for you to see what you did even though you can’t feel or even care. At least you will know. You will know that I was one of the smart ones that figured you out. That you have broken my heart but not my spirit and my life will go on and I will be happy and find that special person to complete me one day when I’m ready. I think that God brought you to me for me to understand how I should be treated like you did me in the beginning but to let me know that I should be more guarded and I deserve way better than you could ever give me. He did this to help me understand that it is ok to be alone and to figure out who I am because for so many years I have just gone through the motions of living but I was dead inside. I feel alive now and I know who I am, what makes me happy, and who to stay away from.
I wish I knew the right final words to say but nothing really comes to mind. You may get some sort of weird ego trip from this. I realize that and if you do I hope it makes you feel good about yourself. You had the power to completely break my heart, to make it feel totally ripped in two, and if that feels good then good for you. I have become stronger for it though, much stronger than I was before, and for that I thank you because I will never give that power to anyone ever again. I've taken it back and it feels so good.