You told me and showed me through your actions that you would put me in harm’s way. You walked away knowing that I could get seriously hurt, be left with permanent brain / physical injury, and even possibly die because you didn’t feel I deserved your help and support - because I wouldn’t partake in the deviant sex you wanted, because I wasn’t committed to a move that I had never heard of, because I was “riding” you…whatever the reason.
To me, this was a deal breaker. FINALLY, a red flag big enough to be able to say I had ENOUGH. The man that I loved so dearly at one point, the same man that professed his love to me and told me I was his soulmate, couldn’t care less if I died because of ___________________ (add whatever injustice you perceived I had done unto you). In my mind, there is no excuse EVER, to knowingly do / not do something that would put someone’s well being at risk. While I may have said things to hurt your delicate feelings (like calling you out on your BS), while I may not have done enough for you (because you’re an insatiable pit and nothing will ever be enough), I KNOW that I didn’t do anything that I deserved to die for. Your actions / inactions were so hurtful, heinous, and vile that I had to and could let go of you. It was that hard, yet that simple. The 6th discard marked the beginning of my new life – without you.
We continued to have LC due to our ties at work. I was hurting so much. I didn’t know how you could be so cruel. I avoided you like the plague because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to hold myself together. I was also focused on getting my health back since you didn’t give a damn. I didn’t know yet that what I had experienced repeatedly in the 7 months was, what I now know as the cycle of “idealize, devalue, discard, rinse, and repeat”. And when you started to send me sweet, loving texts again as if nothing had ever happened, I was confused and torn. In the past, you vowed to never do the same hurtful things and promised you would be there for me but each and every time, your actions showed otherwise. I knew I would be a fool to think that this time would be any different than the last five. My heart was so broken that I finally decided to do what my mind told me – NO MORE CHANCES, DON’T TAKE HIM BACK.
I borrowed books from the library for any clues on what happened to our once “perfect” relationship. I can’t remember how I got there but I found an internet forum with stories about abusive relationships, just like the one I was in. You were textbook. Textbook narc, to be exact. Operating out of the same “how to be a narc handbook” and talking the same “narcspeak” as the hundreds of other narcs described by hundreds of other men and women. Then I remembered you had even told me “I have no empathy”, that you believed you should be treated not only fairly but superiorly, yet you didn’t treat others the same way, and that you “cheated and lied in the past” (but of course, not with me…hahaha!). Then it dawned on me that you were always looking for compliments from me, my child, clients, and even strangers. And I realized you had been projecting on me all along. The accusations that I was interested in other men, that I was playing mind games, that I never loved you, that I used you, that I wasn’t committed, that I was arrogant, that I was uncaring, that I always needed to be right, that I was never satisfied or appreciative, that I had serious mental health issues, amongst all the other accusations that are too numerous to list – those were things YOU were doing or problems that YOU have! I had always felt that I was being manipulated and I was right!!
Then one day, I stopped hearing from you. “Coincidentally”, we’re no longer bumping into each other at work. NC – I tell myself that’s supposed to be good for my healing but my heart still ached tremendously. I heard you had an online dating profile in which you described yourself…as me! Pretty creepy. It must have worked though and you must have NS. Just the week prior, you were still hoovering quite aggressively but because you have fresh NS, there is NC. Suddenly, no more work-related texts interspersed with hoovers and I get total silence. I see how it works. Again, textbook. While it was nice not hearing from you, it was also a painful confirmation of my lack of importance in your life. I’m an option. I’m a convenience. I’m dispensable. I believed it when you said I was the love of your life – your soulmate. I believed in our future. The reality is that I was THIS insignificant.
I am no longer naïve about your disorder. The man I thought you were, never existed and never will. I cannot accept you and love you for who you truly are. I no longer have any hope or expectation that you can or will change. You can no longer charm me with your words. Your actions are now predictable to me. I know too much to engage in your games. Consider me poor supply – as in “you’re not getting ANY SUPPLY” from me.
I deserve to be in a relationship where there is give and take. I deserve to be treated with the same respect that I extend to my partner. I deserve a man that will love me as much as I love him. And I certainly do not deserve to be abused. You do not have the ability to give, respect, or love and are without a doubt, a user and abuser, therefore there can be no future for “us”.
You said you fight to win and that you always win. I have news for you. This “fight” between you and me – I HAVE WON. I have escaped the hell you created for me and I am free. You broke me but I will not be broken forever. I am loveable and can love and be loved. I can feel. I can relate. I can give. I can experience genuinely. I can learn. I can grow. I can heal. And I WILL do all of these things and my life will be full. You, on the other hand, will repeat the same destructive patterns and never be happy or satisfied. Your goal was to make me as miserable as you, if not more. That is NEVER going to happen. You had taken so much from and of me that I had nothing more to lose by losing you. My life will only get better now without you in it. My only regret is that I had not realized this sooner.