don'tlookback's story

A love addiction

I've titled it this as it's how I feel it was.Now.

Ok.God where do I start.

Right I was 32 when I met him.My life was pretty straightforward.Own home,good job,independant,enjoyed good times with friends.
I was BOWLED over when I met him.Super attractive,charismatic,successful.He had an 18 mth yr old child who he seemed like a super committed dad to.I found this very attractive have to say.(the mum was a psycho bad mother...if only i knew then what i know now).

And so we had a great first year.But looking back the signs I chose to ignore were there.Just little things but still.Easy to say with hindsight tho.

So by end of first year I was pregnant.He brought it up,I wasn't feeling that biological clock ticking urge but I thought yes,ok, - he's everything I wanted in a man and he's already shown me what a great dad he is....

His first words when I told him were 'It's going to be so different this time'.Then he was overjoyed telling all friends n family.Well no Mr Narc - it was no different coz you are what you are.But I didn't know that then.

Sorry, this is going to become so tedious to read but need to get it out.

First trouble started less than 2 month later when out of blue he started accusing me of trapping him.Can't tell u how confused I was.He was the one who had gone on and on about having a baby.I COULD NOT BELIEVE what was going on.(I did get pregnant v quickly.within 2 weeks of coming off pill i had been on 15 years).So hard to accept I had waited for 'the one' til the age of 33 to then get this.

Moved in with him 3 weeks before I had baby.(rented out my house).When I first found out I was pregnant I'd thought we would have been married (after all he said) and living 'happily ever after' with just normal ups and downs before my beautiful son was born.So the weekend I went in to labour, my XN went on a lads weekend away overnight.Luckily for him it was a long labour so he got back.Of course he was overjoyed.His 1st born son.Until 3 days later when I went home.He screamed and yelled because I dared to ask if his daughter was staying the night too and on top of being first time mum and first night at home just wanted me to make their tea!

And so the pattern was set.

Of course we had 'good times'. But those were the few crumbs he threw at me to make it stayable. He would go on about how the mother of his daughter would have him back 'anytime'.They seemed to lurch between being friends and then her sending letters re her little girl (which I can see now was her way of doing no contact)for the first few years.He would go to collect her (we had the little girl 3 days every week) and be gone hours when it should have been 15 min.

On one occasion when my son was 6 mth old, I was that worn down,my immune system was so weak I ended up in hospital and could have died if I'd not gone to hospital when I had.Of course to our families he played the caring partner.But on the first weekend I was home he went out with his mate, didn't tell me what he was doing.Came in at 6am. And then I later found out (after seeing his phone record) he had rang his ex mother of his daughter.At 4am.He denied it and said 'no, I've asked her...I didn't ring her'.

I tell you it is ONLY since finding this haven that I have realised I'm wasn't/not going mad!!

18 months later I was pregnant again.Not planned.Major panic attack.But so I had another little one.

So many other things to do with women.That I can see now WERE true but I was in denial trying to keep it together.

He was physically, verbally and sexually (that bit I find most difficult to admit)vile.

Physically - headbutt,strangle,hairpulling,pinning,pushing
Verbally - slag,slut,'you're not for me',ugly could go on and on.
Sexually - I would feel like he was putting his 'mark' on me - if I went out and when I got in.I feel sick just even saying that.

It was totally like being brainwashed.Or addicted. The really bad stuff wasn't constant.But it was there.I would live for the nice times.Pathetically be grateful for them.

So I left him,initially when my daughter was a baby and my son was 3, for 3 months.

But then I went back for 6 months.And left again.Nothing had changed.

But even though I physically removed us, for the last 2 years I really have still been with him.Just not living with him.I still could not see him for what he is.

He has picked me up and put me down (and I have let him), particularly on any important occasion like birthdays and christmas and made me worry about 'the effect on the children'.That's why I left him in the first place!!
Or when he has met someone else (who he got bored with very quickly or she wised up to him so he came running back to me for supply.And I gave it).Of course, I didn't think he was meeting ow.But I now know he was.He has denied til he is blue in the face about OW.But condoms/viagra/internet dating.How could I have been so much in denial?

He is a relatively wealthy man.He can live as the king of his castle, in the best house, best car with his flock of sheep followers.

So for the last 2 years he has come in and out of our lives SURE that I will at some point return.Because he cannot understand why I would 'give a fantastic life' up.I left with nothing.He gives me as little financially as he wants.He goes on about how 'rough' it is where we live.And it HAS made me question myself. Am I doing the best for my kids?But I sure as hell wouldn't want my son to turn out like his dad.And I don't want my daughter to think that's what men are like.And NOW I don't want this for MY life.

I have tried to think things would be different.I know they never will be.

His last text to me last week, was that I'm 42 and a pathetic singleton.Oh and 'put more effort' into my next relationship.

Well no. I'm 42, a kind decent person, a good mum, and I'd don't need money or a man in my life to make me happy. So Mr Flash - carry on prowling the internet dating sites for your next poor victim of supply.I wish I could warn her but she wouldn't believe me.

Thank you for reading (if you managed to get through it!)

xx