mmqc's story

Trying to Rebuild My Life

My story begins with finding what I thought was the perfect man for me. I fell for him like I had no other guy. Over the years, his self centered, ugly nature revealed itself. I feel like who I was whittled away over the years and I'm having to do some major work to get my mind straightened out and regain my self.

When I initially met my XNH, I had a boyfriend but things were on the rocks with that relationship. The XNH lived in my neighborhood and called me by chance a week after everything ended with the boyfriend. I wasn't terribly interested in a relationship after just getting out of one, but thought why not just hang out. It pains me now to think about it, but the first date I went on with him felt amazing and serendipitous. The chemistry between us was intoxicating. I was hooked. He was handsome, smart, and seemed so open unlike any guy I'd ever met. He seemed like a self made man who could make whatever he wanted happen. He gushed that we were soulmates because we shared so much in common. I was an artist, he was an artist and had an art degree. I played in a band, he used to too and played music! These last two things were absolutely true, but I found out shared interests alone don't a healthy relationship make. I had never had anyone make me immediately feel so special, beautiful, and safe in my life.

I quickly found out that he had two small children that he was trying to raise by his accounts mostly alone. He claimed his ex was absolutely nuts and told grand stories about the ringer she had put him and the kids through. The XNH's mother would come by to help out and she would talk about the horrible things the ex-wife had done. I thought at the time, I can't believe this poor guy trying to raise these beautiful kids practically by himself. And he's so handsome and smart and we have so much in common! I really thought the stars had aligned in my life to send me this incredible guy.

There were little things that I can see now starting to crop up after a few months, but I dismissed them because everything else seemed so great. He told me when I first met him that he was divorced. Turns out he wasn't. He got divorced about nine months after I met him and got sole custody of the kids because he claimed the mom was unfit and crazy. He kept the house and pretty much everything of theirs. I would talk to his friends and they seemed to confirm what a hero he was and what a nut she was.

From what he said, I thought I was being someone stable and loving in his kids' lives that was absolutely lacking from their mom. She eventually had a breakdown, went into a rehab treatment, and the kids were with him all the time. It was funny at the time because the kids would sometimes make comments to me about me having a lot of similar tastes and personality traits in common with their mom. Internally, I thought I can't be like that crazy lady but I would tell them she has good taste! They loved her and missed and they went through a lot of pain with the divorce and not having her around. They embraced me though being there and helping out and I'm grateful for what I could contribute in their lives. I feel lucky for that. They're awesome kids.

I moved in and decided with the urging of my XHN to go back to school to finish my degree in art. I went back to school full time and worked part time. Years later, he took total credit for me going back to school. Once I moved in, cracks appeared in the relationship, that I now see that I ignored. Now that he had more help with the kids, he started working on his art. All the time. He said he was making up for lost time he'd spent dealing with the ex and kids. I thought he was driven and talented and wanted to do whatever I could to be supportive of his dreams. Because I wanted him to be supportive of mine. My mother let her gifts wither under the abuse of my dad and I wanted to be a nurturing and positive force.

I should add my mom was an art teacher and artist before I was born, but quit making any art when I was an infant. My dad threw most of her artwork away when I was a teenager. My dad is probably a sociopath from conversations I've had with a couple of family members, a couple of therapists, and my own research. My dad was and continues to be emotionally and physically abusive to her. He was emotionally and sexually abusive of me. I went through several years of therapy before I met my XHN trying to heal these wounds and felt like I had made peace with a good deal of it. I realize now that though wounds weren't completely healed or I would've balked at some of the unhealthy flags earlier. Things that cropped up seemed mild in comparison to my dad, so I'd dismiss them.

Once my XNH and I were engaged, I think the real crazy making began. He would make unilateral decisions about major events and always bring up justifications of why I couldn't be a part of them. They seemed somewhat logical at first, but I ended feeling stripped of any voice and self esteem by the end. My one caveat with getting married is that I wanted to have children. This ended up being one the ugly things he dangled like a carrot for years. Over the years it was "Well, if you just get through school, then it was get a job, then it was get a better job, then it was I'm unstable, then I'm a dependent, then he's changed his mind and doesn't want the burden of any more children to interfere with his art career. I was devastated after helping raise his children for years and am in my late 30's by the end of the relationship.

I had a nervous breakdown of sorts after we got married. He started pushing within a month of getting married that he wanted to swinging with other couples because he wanted to hook up with other men. I was taking five classes in my last semester of school, doing an internship, and trying to deal with the new blended family and start job hunting. He became quickly cold and distant. I was once I thought his perfect beloved, but now he treated like someone who repulsed him and would tell me how I couldn't get anything right and was pathetic. I begged him to see a marriage counselor, but he said the problem was me. I had to drag my last semester of school into 2 and got heavily medicated. It was like every vulnerability I had, he knew where to stick his hand in and twist. I should mention that my closest family is several hundred miles away (and they're not all dysfunctional.) I felt so isolated and alone. His mom would confirm that I needed help. She's a psychiatric nurse, so I took her word as a life line.

His ex started rebuilding her life and started to take the kids more. She got married, sober, and seemed to be doing better. I talked to her some and thought she was nice in person, but ex insisted she was destructive and nuts My XNH's ugly behavior towards me increased. He would belittle me in front of the kids. He was mean to the cat. He would spend all of his time working on paid jobs or working on art. We moved into a house where he could have a studio. He said it would be our shared studio. After he got in it, it was definitely his. He would berate me that I didn't work on my own artwork enough, yet anything I would do was subject to his increasingly harsh criticism. I wasn't allowed to leave anything out in progress, because he was trying to get real work done aka "his artwork." I would attend his openings which he was increasingly uncomfortable with me at. He got into a high profile place in town. He acted like he didn't know me when I showed up. I was devastated. I was spending my time working, searching for a better job, taking care of the house and kids when they were with us, playing music occasionally in a band (which he thought I should quit at this point.) I felt nuts. I didn't understand what had become so horrible about me that I couldn't do anything right. He would talk about that he was bending life to his will and making his art.

He suddenly applied and got into an art grad school in another city. He made this decision unilaterally and the kid's mom and I scrambled to take care of the kids while he was gone for two months to start off for the program. The kid's mom had her own situation of her husband leaving with her money and then getting arrested while this was going on. He rarely communicated with me while he was gone, because he said he was too busy. When he came back, he said the marriage was over and he wanted me out of the house. I couldn't get it together according to him even though I had a full time job in my field but I was entry level. I was incapable of having kids even though I helped raise his and he decided he didn't want anymore. I was reeling and in shock at the time. I felt discarded and worthless. I was devastated to lose his kids in my life. I quickly got a room with someone so that I could get out. His berating or silence was too much. When I was with him, he would make major life changing decisions unilaterally that benefitted him, but had no regard for me or his kids. Two months later, he begged me to move back in and said that he had made a terrible mistake. I didn't do it, because I wanted to get an apartment by myself and see if we could take time to work things out and couldn't take this person who's loving one moment and despising the next. His communication with me stopped for the most part and I soon got to hear from a friend that he was seeing someone else almost immediately.

I got a small apartment by myself and lived there for eight months. I quickly couldn't afford it on my income and with my student loan debt. I corresponded a little bit with the kids' mom. I was horrified realizing that I was now the crazy one with XNH, the position that she'd been in when I met him. She had the stable house now for the kids, because my XNH was selling the house. We went into the house with a huge amount of equity that he ended up sinking into his art career. I met up with the kids' mom after she invited me for their birthday party. I was happy to see the kids. My XNH was out of town at school. This was six months ago. She and I swapped stories that evening and the similarities in our experiences with how we were treated by the XNH was uncanny. I never given thought to narcissism before, but she brought up how she thought that he was one. After looking up NPD, I was surprised to find how it fit what I had been through. It happened too that I needed to move because I couldn't really afford to live by myself and she needed a roommate. At this point, she had the kids all the time, though not on paper and isn't getting child support.

So, my strange life story here is six months later is that I am officially divorced as of three weeks ago. I have no contact with my XNH and I live in a house with my XNH's first wife and her (his) two children. I'm sure there's a sitcom in here somewhere. My roommate has ended up being a good friend and great confirmation that I am not nuts and I get to see the two awesome kids who are now teenagers. She and I don't discuss him much, as the kids are usually around. She's a writer and she's struggling to get her creative voice back. I do feel strangely blessed in my unusual home right now.

I have yet to really feel like I've gotten my self back and carry a lot of pain from the experience with him that I want to work through. He's no longer in my life physically, but his sneering voice is still in my head telling me I'm pathetic or crazy. I find myself doubting my feelings and thoughts constantly. I still play music and I took a photography class, but I've had a hard time doing any art. I find myself terrified of going out and running into him or people who know him and what he may have told them. The worst is second guessing myself and putting my guard up with the kids at times. I've recently starting seeing someone else who I've known for years, but I have a hard time letting my guard down and am terrified that I don't have the ability to discern if someone is a N. I don't trust myself. I trying to slowly rebuild myself, but I feel like there's a ways to go. If you read all this, thank you. I didn't mean to practically type out a novella. I started typing and it came pouring out. I feel some relief in telling it.