Worn out fool's story

You will all feel so sensible when you see what I did

Hi, I've been doing a bit better lately but today is a down day again. I am in the process of divorcing my NH after 36 years. 12 years ago I was told by his councillor that he was a Narcissist and dangerous for me. To get away from him. I did some research and had a break but didn't really understand what it meant so I went back. Why! He has led me a very un-merry dance for 37 years. And I let myself be led. I was a strong independent young woman when I met him. Due to what I now understand was an NPD mother and a father later diagnosed as schizophrenic I had lived by and supported myself from the age of 15. When I met my husband I thought, at last, someone who would care for me and to be safe with. Nothing could have been further from the truth. To everyone else he is charming and friendly, the life and soul of the party. My lot, for most of our marriage was silence, the cold shoulder, with-holding sex unless I begged, he won't even look at me if he does speak. I used to think that if I was a door-handle to one of the rooms in our house I would get more attention from him than I did as his wife. Meanwhile he was travelling the world, has slept with 20 women that I know of, probably more, given me STDs twice, left the country and became a PR of Singapore without telling me, had me trawling backwards and forwards across the globe for reconciliations that never worked out....Oh I can't keep writing this. It makes it glaringly obvious how stupid I have been to keep going with this awful, so called relationship. I've lost myself. He's OK... I have been replaced by a Fillapina lady younger than our daughter. Of course he will "always love me, but not in the way I want so he hopes we will always be friends". The sort of friendship where he begrudges paying for our youngest two children and doesn't speak to me at all; just sends the odd vile email.

I've learnt more about narcissism recently and apart from direct physical violence he is text book. It was so all about HIM.

How after all that and more is it possible for me to still mourn for it, for him? I do well for a while and then for no reason I crumble again. How can I not be happy when I realise that all that deceit and those mind-games no longer have to be a part of my daily existence? I read your posts and I've read The Path Forward and I see the logic in it all. My head knows the truth now, but my heart just won't behave. How long before I am a real person do you think? I feel so tired. Where do you all find the strength to look after yourselves?