Emilie's Story

I'm new here. I was only 16 when I got involved with my "narc"...

Hey everyone. I'm new here. I decided to post my own story (sorry it's so long lol) after reading all of yours. Discovering this site has been a godsend.

Before I start though, I'd like to point out something. In the title of my post, I put the word "narc" in quotations for the simple reason that I'm not sure if he was/is one. Reading other people's stories,I realized that majority of you are a bit older than me. After doing some research, I was told that one could not be diagnosed as having NDP until they were 18. I got involved with mine when we were both only 16. It did last 2 1/2 years, so we're both 19 now,and it just got worse, so I guess he could be. But thinking back, is it possible he was a narcissist at such a young age already? But either way, it doesn't matter. I know I was manipulated and abused.

Anyway, basically I developed an infatuation with this guy about a year prior. We were never in the same classes ( he was in a program for high achievers), but we took the bus together because he lived just down the street from me. We were "friends" for several months. We started talking on instant messenger one night, and somehow got on the topic of how he thought I was attractive. I had very low self esteem (which he later managed to lower even more), and so of course I was on cloud 9. He asked me if I had ever done anything with a guy before. I hadn't even kissed one! This interested him and he asked if I'd let him kiss me. He said I should experience things like that at our age and that he would make it special. Being that I liked him, I agreed. So the following day before class, he took me to a hidden area outside in the back of the school. He kissed me and he said " I just want you to feel beautiful, because you are." I couldn't believe what was happening. I seriously thought that he liked me until later that night when we talked online. He asked me if I'd want to be in a relationship with him. I said yeah. He said he would like to be too (LIE), except he wasn't allowed (LIE), so he proposed that we just try to be "friends with benefits" "for now". UMM WHY DIDN'T I TAKE A HINT? I should have said no, but I agreed. We went to our spot again at the back of the school the next day and he started to take things further. He started touching me and wanted me to grope him. Again, I agreed. This continued on for a couple weeks before he asked me " Do you have a crush on me?" I confessed. He then proceeded to say " Then we should stop this. I don't want to feel like I've used you. See, I don't like you that way. I thought we were just doing this for a bit of fun.." I was crushed. So, we stopped. Until a few weeks later.

He started maneuvering his way back in. He said he hoped I had gotten over him. I lied and said that I thought I had. (WHY? WHY? WHY?) He was thrilled by this and it started all over again. He told me about what he had done with his ex girlfriend and wanted me to experience those things as well. He kept trying to convince me, and he did. I ended up giving him a blow job. Afterwards, he said he regretted it so much. He said he should only do that with someone special. That I needed to gain more self respect. He wanted to teach me a lesson: AKA, Silent treatment. Two weeks later, he comes back asking for more. And there I was, saying yes. After it happened, he said he regretted it again. He said that he knew I was lying about not liking him. He said " I could use and manipulate you so bad. I can do terrible things because YOU like me and I have that power over you. Hell, I even manipulate my teachers into giving me higher marks than I deserve!" (WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?? He was TELLING me for fuck sake. And I LET him!). It was like I was in some sort of TRANCE. He kept telling me he didn't want to use me, would shut me out, and then come back again. Why was I so STUPID?? Did I think I could change his mind??

Fast forward a few months and he tells me that he likes this other girl and they were going to start dating. I was completely crushed. He told me that we could still be friends and that he felt really bad. Why didn't he tell me this sooner?? (Makes me think of the whole Madonna/whore complex thing now) Not even a month later, he comes crawling back telling me that he is completely destroyed and heart broken. He tells me he wanted to get his mind off the break up, so we hooked up. Mistake. The whole cycle started over again: Sex, guilt, silent treatment, apology,start over. This went on for a whole 6 months. Then he disappeared. When he came back, he told me he had been hooking up with some other girl and hoped I was alright with that. He said I should hook up with other guys since I want sex so bad (WHAT?? HE wanted all the sex. All I initially wanted was to feel closer to him! Projection much??). Once again, I was crushed. But, also once again,soon after, we started hooking up again.

Fast forward another few months and he found himself a girlfriend. Just in time for prom. He said he was sorry. My heart shattered when I saw him kissing her on the dance floor. Two months later, he tells me he wants to talk. They broke up. By this time, I actually convinced myself that I didn't like him, but my mind was addicted. He told me I was the closest girl he was ever friends with, that he loved me so much and that he was sorry for hurting me. Cycle begins again.

First year of University, I bus all the way over to his apartment. I lost my "actual" virginity to him. He (apparently) lost his to me as well. I thought we would be able to bond by me sleeping over. Nope. He kept me in his bedroom while he studied for school and came in to get a blow job a few times. I had to beg him to let me stay the night. He wanted me to bus home at 3:00 am! He was actually paranoid that his mother was going to come visit at that hour(LOL really?)

Thinking back we never had ONE conversation that didn't revolve around sex. I asked him several times if he'd want to come over to play guitar. He always said he was too busy. I felt like a little child when I was with him. Like he was the father always giving me advice. I told him that we were never really friends. He'd always say " Yes we are. We just have sex when we hang out." He always, ALWAYS had to be "right" and had to "win". He would also always tell me that no one understands him. Every time I tired to have a deep conversation, he'd avert it and say he "didn't want to talk about it.

I've cried so many times over this. Why was I so stupid? Why didn't I listen to him? Why did i keep coming back? Why did I let him manipulate me? Why did I start LYING? It's not like me to lie! It was like he was my drug and I needed a fix. My first experience with relationships and THIS is what I get? He was my first EVERYTHING. How could I give it all away to him? We hadn't talked since August until he decided to "hoover" me on New years asking how I was. He didn't even wish me a Happy New Year..

I couldn't understand it. He was so cold when he was around me, but the minute he was with one of his friends, he was laughing and having the time of his life. He was sweet, charming, hilarious and popular to the outside world. He'd even IGNORE me if he was with someone else. I'm so, so confused. Sometimes I believe it was all his fault, and other times I feel like it was all my fault. But, now he's off in University studying to become a doctor because he "cares so much about people" while I'm left here trying to put myself back together..