The emotion of hate
The emotion of hate
I've already written you a good-bye letter, but my anger is so heavy right now that I had to write you again. I saw you out again with our work people tonight. I find it funny how I was the first one there when you walked in and breezed right past me. Then you began to look at me, as I can see you clearly out of the corner of my eye. I always know when you're bearing your presence down on me because I can feel it. You don't know what that's like, to feel. So I guess you could never understand.
I felt you looking at me and wanting me to turn towards you so that you could give me your "what's up" nod, like everything is ok. Like nothing ever happened. Sorry, I'm not giving you that. It was the first time I have easily turned my back to you and walked away. And the first time I didn't have sadness or tears choking me. It felt GOOD.
I've been dealing with this anger towards you for the past few weeks. It scares me how angry I am at you. I can't wait until that fades into nothingness like the way you made me feel. I don't want you to look at me. If I had it my way, I would never be in your presence again. For so long I stayed away from happy hours and work functions because of YOU but you're not getting the best of me anymore. And I hate that you want to. It's like I can read your sick little mind. You want me to turn to do you, don't you? You want some more supply to feed off of. You want to suck me dry again right? Ugh, you're so sick. I just hate you. I hate you a million times. And it's never felt so good.
My friend told me the other day, "ever since you stopped talking to him, you're glowing". I suggested it was the antidepressants lol. She said "I don't care what it is, but you have life in your eyes again. You used to look so miserable." It felt really good to hear that. I feel stronger than I have in a long time. I will continue to allow myself to feel this hatred toward you, knowing it's only natural. And soon this will fade too.
All I know is I'm a little bit stronger now. And people are noticing. And YOU are noticing. I guess it makes me even more mad that you actually DO notice. Thank you. Keep making me angry because it keeps you out of my thoughts and my dreams, my old hopes and wishes.
A friend put on Facebook today: "I don't miss you. I miss the person you pretended to be. There's a difference. Fuck you very much."
I laughed and thought of you. And I liked it.