I am taking my life back
I am taking my life back
It is only natural to want to "fix" what is broken. It is natural to not give up and stay in there and fight. It is only natural to not break up a family.
But, when it's over, IT IS OVER.
I knew deep down that my marriage was completely broken. But, I fought the fight for almost four more years. I took a deep breath, opened communication, voiced my concerns, suggest counseling, spoke with a priest (who told me to get the hell out of my marriage and run). You name it, I did it. NOTHING has changed. Message received.
Deep down in their heart everyone knows when to walk. Some sooner than others. I really wish I would have walked out in 2009. But, I didn't and so I need to deal with it now.
What I have learned................
They will never, ever, ever, ever change.
The lying will never, ever, ever stop, ( this is who they are).
They will always blame you for the failure of your relationship (might as well accept that, very typical).
They will always pretend that they have their shit together at all times.
They will always remain in control and have the last say.
They will always be a huge disappointment in bed, ( they can't be truly intimate, if they were then they would have to let their guard down, right?).
You will never, ever be a human being to them. You are just filling a void for them, serving some sort of purpose. Maybe it's doing their laundry or cooking their meals. Maybe it's just that they don't want to come home to any empty house because God knows they can't stand to be by themselves.
They will alllllwayyyys be bored for they need constant stimulation.
They will always be sneaky, living an entirely different life apart from the one you share with them.
They will always be sad & scared deep down inside, but will never know it. That would make them weak.
They will always be unfeeling, robotic, unemotional,unappologetic, unloving "things".
They will always try to make you go crazy with their gaslighting and ficticioius stories. That is their MO, for whatever sick reason.
I am done being misserable, sad and lonely. Who needs to live that kind of life? I have been suffocating for 24 years now and I am unlocking those chains. I am done crying, done being angry, done worrying, done appologizing to my children for his behavior. DONE. PERIOD.
I had to ask myself, if he were to die tomorrow would I be sad? Would I cry? And the answer was simply "No". We never had a true relationship. We had a facade. Fake, fake, fake. No thank you. Done living like that. Life is to be lived genuinely and for real.
They, (narcs), will be living their lives the way they deserve in the end. I will bet my life on that. In a perfect world they would all be caged together on an island unto only themselves and try to survive. But, I am past being revengeful now. I actually feel sorry for them. I cannot imagine not feeling love, sorrow, true happiness or compassion while living here on this earth.
I have already started packing my "things" around the house and strategically hiding it. When the snow melts away in a couple of months I am taking off. He can have the house, the furniture, the dishes...he can have it all. It is just stuff. I am only taking my clothes and my photos. I will have nothing. But then again, I will have everything. Once I am gone.